Showing posts with label New Orleans Characters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Orleans Characters. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

The Unusual Christening Gown

It's Sunday, and like in other Catholic churches over the world, it's time for the Christening of infants into the mother church. This is both a solemn and festive occasion. Infants of a few weeks are brought to the Baptistry to be sprinkled with holy water and be received into the Church! And the new members of the Holy Church are decked out in their splendid baptismal gowns: traditionally white; however, some highlights of color have recently begun to appear.

Father Devereaux, Pastor of St. Cletus's Parish, lately noticed white Christening gowns with trim in purple and gold or black and gold -- but mostly in the Fall. He thought "Tigers fan or Saints fan"; but it was okay since word did not reach the Archbishop of these departures from custom. He was willing to let it slide. And, besides, there is no canonical prescription as to what Christening gowns should be like.* 

After all, Fr. D. was quite willing to shift the time for the last mass to be at 11:45; all with the view of allowing late attendees to still get out in time for the Saints kickoff!

Well, one Sunday Father Devereaux got a bodacious surprise. One of the infant girls was decked out in a baptismal gown of green, silver, and black! Now this caused him consternation? Was this an underhanded way of getting Satanic practices to contaminate a most sacred ritual, or are they practitioners of Voodoo? No way to know; so he went ahead with the ritual, halfway expecting comeback from the Archdiocese. The fact that the proud Grandpa referred to her as "my little Iggle" unsettled him further. Was This some Satanic code word?

He asked Mycroft, aka The Lucky Dog Guy, what was it all about; but this encyclopedia of folklore was not able to answer. Likewise Madeline the Prophetess and Suzette the Existential Stripper all drew blanks.

So next day he asked his Baptist compadre, Brother Bob, what it's all about. Since this was a Potentially Serious Matter, they decamped to Uptown, far away from their congregations' locales and a place where they could get a bracing drink or two without censure from their congregationalists!

Bob, at first, was puzzled. Particularly over the meaning of the colors. But then it all became clear when the Good Padre Tim asked if the child being referred to as 'our little Iggle' meant something devilish.  Bob shook his head, and said, "You got a problem, Tim, but it's not a devil problem." And he told them what the problem was, and what team had those colors.

Tim said, "Oh well, it could be worse. They could have dressed her in Dallas Cowboys colors! That would have caused a scandal!"

*Supposedly, Baptism was performed in the early church on candidates who were stark naked as jaybirds; this may have had the effect of increasing attendance for this ceremony. Even today, some more exotic sects are said to do this as well.

[As an aside: why are jaybirds singled out as examples of nudity; only penguins dress up?



Saturday, October 13, 2018

The Action News Team Celebrates No Bra Day

Recently Hello Giggles listed seven commandments of not wearing a bra in public.  These include such common sense suggestions as not wearing itchy material, avoiding animals with claws, being careful of how shoulder bags hang across your chest, not being envious of someone else's apparently better endowment, and so forth.

Missy Chauvin thought that she would adopt this daring look for National No Bra Day (Oct. 13th). Besides, she had an eye on television ratings and, while Action News was tops in the New Orleans Metro Area, they had to keep up with the competition continually.

However, she did not share this crafty plan with the news anchor Al Gautreaux or weather person Sharon Rideaux or with the Program Director Vickie Connelly. You can call this the Semi-big October Surprise.

Anyway, she wore her jacket on set and took it off as she seated herself at the news desk. This was despite the fact that the set is normally cool!

And, as the cameraman panned across the set, there was TAA-TAA! Something not ever seen before on Action News. Actually, FOUR things.

It seemed that Sharon, the weather reporter, also decided to celebrate National No Bra Day!

Missy was irritated that Sharon stole some of her thunder. And it showed.

Al, as news anchor, got into the spirit of things, and ad libbed a few double entendres:

"Missy, what bumps stand in the way of the Saints' progress? "

"Sharon, is the weather likely to be a little nippy tomorrow morning?" [Said in New Orleans in October; very unlikely!]

"At 11:30 tonight, we'll carry another episode of Twin Peaks. In the meantime, here's an interview we can get a rise from."

But, at least, Missy consoled herself, hers were not cattywampus like Sharon's!


(After all, who wants to prove she's not wearing a bra by holding up a dull white one?)

Friday, February 9, 2018

How to Communicate that You Want to "Do It" . . . .

Like clockwork, the demoiselles of St. Cletus's Parish were having their biweekly coffee get-together when Clotilde brought up a tricky question: How to demurely communicate to your boyfriend that you desire a nice roll in the hay? Now everyone knew what she meant; no reference to any visit to the barn or haystack here though it would perhaps be a new adventure! But, still, everyone eagerly waited for the suggestions, even the members of the group who were not really sexually active yet.

Suzette Picou, in her forthright fashion, suggested coming out starkers in front of him. But others demurred; saying that this was too overt and not sporting.

And Clotilde Badeaux confessed, "Once I answered the door for my boyfriend while wearing a see-through nightgown. It turned out to be the U.P.S. guy! But the plus side to it was that he hand-delivered packages to me."

Everyone, including Clotilde, laughed.

Marie D'Aquin said that she communicated desire by wearing her red bra under a sheer blouse. She indicated that worked.

Hilda Walspurgis indicated that, when the Saints won, her husband tended to become amorous. She also commented that he had a brother who lived in Cleveland. The girls connected the dots. So much for Hot in Cleveland.

But in a practical vein, Clotllde Badeaux said, "I just put out a bowl of green M&Ms for when he comes over." (Trading on a belief common among Gen-Xers.)

Missy Chauvin commented, "Isn't that what Van Halen demands before any concert?"

Clotilde corrected, "No, they demand that there should be no brown M&Ms with the dressing room munchies; and that's just so to prove that the promoters read the contract!"

All of the ladies liked this very practical suggestion of putting out green M&Ms. But Madeline piped up, "You can buy a bag of green M&Ms in time for Valentine's Day if you order on-line!"





Monday, December 11, 2017

Sisters Saying Good-Nights to Their Boyfriends

Advocates of curfews for teens often have complications to what should be a straightforward profess. Like take the situation in which parents have multiple teens; each with the same curfew.

A case history that comes to mind happened in the case of my poor Mama who had two teen daughters that could go out on weekend nights (and sometimes for special events), and a preteen daughter (moi) who would be also be going out down the road. The rule: 12 A.M. curfew. A bit strict, you might say.

Seriously, Mama did not want her two daughters to linger in their b.f.'s cars too long, as it might cause the neighbors undue entertainment from speculating on their morals! Nor did she want extended leave-taking on the porch which would provide post-Leno entertainment for the neighbors.

But, especially, she did not want post-evening tattling; as "Mama, Heather let Walter kiss her too long and feel her up last night." Seriously! Clearly, having two couples fondling each other on the porch at the same time was not a happy outcome.

So Mama, desperate, asked for advice. Not from the parish priest (what would an ostensibly celibate guy know about such affairs!), but to the ultimate source: Maw-Maw! Yes, her mother! 

Maw-Maw was straightforward: Extend the older girl's (Jessica's) curfew by 15 minutes. Senior rights. Now Heather did bitch a bit; but she did get 15 minutes of some privacy. Unless Jessica and her b.f. had a fight, which did happen!)

This argues for a proper spacing of daughters.



Friday, November 10, 2017

What to Do After Sex?

The bi-weekly gathering of les femmes of St. Cletus's Parish in the New Orleans coffeehouse sometimes has conversations that run into the borderline risqué. Let's face it: this is partly due to the inherent interest in some topics and also raising these helps to egg on some more reticent members among the coffee-drinkers to reveal more about themselves than they planned.

Okay, the topic that came up for the day was what to do after sex. Needless to say, both the sexually active conversational participants and the celibate ones found this interesting! One reason why this topic is intrinsically interesting is because some in the group occasionally reporting having  problems with post-coital tristesse. Bonne nuit tristesse! Alas, Galen got it wrong when he wrote that "every animal is sad after coitus except for the human female and the rooster." One wonders about his research sampling methods . . . . Were his partners accomplished in faking orgasms, or happy it was over? 

Anyway, the two usual suspects for post-coital activities, sleeping and cuddling came up right away. Missy Chauvin pointed out that some guys were just not that good at cuddling, and that maybe cuddling lessons should be added to the college curriculum!* That got a rise, to be sure! Still, some said that cuddling is a great way to come down afterwards. 

Also mentioned was that old reliable, Netflix.

Hilda Walspurgis recommended that, if you feel energized after sex, then that's a perfect time to do some house cleaning! Nothing like vacuuming to carry on the feeling!

Missy reported that having great sex made her feel like practicing basketball. She was the reigning H-O-R-S-E champion of the Parish! This explains the popularity of the N.B.A.

Along those same lines, Clotilde Badeaux said that she would immediately segue into her yoga regime. Clara Thibodaux asked, "What about the guy you were canoodling with?"

Her response was, "I don't know. The last one left while I was doing down dog and farted!"

Speaking of cleaning, neat freak Marie d'Aquin said that she always took a shower immediately afterwards. And it saves water to shower with a friend. When asked if the guy she had sex with is a friend, she replied, "Well, I do give him a performance review before asking him to join me!"

Bernadette Richard raised an interesting possibility: spend some time afterwards on a post-performance review. Clearly, she was influenced by some of the new thinking in business! And, who knows, maybe it might increase the enjoyment of future encounters . . . . especially for those not following the short-term (hookup) mating strategy.**

Madeline cautiously inquired whether the same sort of activity choices would apply after making out. Immediately this caused some of the gathering to wonder whether their assumptions regarding her and Officer Pete were valid. Not that anyone had the nerve to ask!

Suzette Picou, AKA the Existential Stripper, said that after sex she would then make a pot of coffee. This mystified the good ladies; but she put it in terms to re-priming the pump for an encore!

Madeline asked, like a typical Orleanian, "Do you serve it straight or café au lait and use real chicory coffee or that weak stuff that tourists drink?" 



*That would be a real plus for the P.E. Department!

**A concept that you can credit or blame evolutionary psychology for.

Monday, September 4, 2017

The Coffee Girls Try Out Boudoir Photography

The biweekly get-together over coffee and beignets recently got a new twist for animated discussion; something not involving questions of New Orleans politics or faith or morals. No, give our ladies credit for being more broad in their interests. Now sashaying into the realm of fine arts.

Specifically, Suzanne Picou mentioned that a photographer friend of hers was introducing a new line: boudoir photography. No, this is not a flashback from the 1990s when mall photographers included period costumes for teen girls to pose in for boyfriend- or husband-intended pictures. This was cheesecake for the masses, without the high caloric overload from the edible product.

It's typical of New Orleans, in a way, to be totally retro in tastes. Thus Mme. Pluchard and M. Antoine opened a line of boudoir photography as a stylistic venture. It caught on among the latent vain and curious.

These boudoir pictures were pictures that the photographer had made of ladies in slightly erotic poses and costumes: revealing swimsuits, nightgowns, guêpières, teddies, and so forth. Suffice it to say, the girls were interested!

But how far to take it? Surprisingly, to an unexpected degree. Even the ordinarily discreet Madeline and the prudish Hilda Walspurgis were game for glamor this time. Madeline thought that a mild nightgown pose might please Officer Pete; and Hilda apparently rose to an unexpected degree in raciness. Oh well, consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds, as some overquoted Transcendentalist supposedly said.

Even better. They would sign up for photography sessions, and at their next meeting share their creations with each other while consuming café au lait and beignets.

So it happened. 

And the next coffee session was looked forward with great anticipation. Mme. Pluchard managed to please even the more timid models, and they all came with their envelopes containing proofs.

Clotilde Badeau posed with a come hither look in her lingerie. Tell-tale stretch marks were discreetly airbrushed out. The ladies oohed and ahhed.  Clotilde, at first shy, smiled and then beamed with happiness.

Suzette Picou's featured her as naked as a jaybird. [Question for linguistic purists: Are there any avian species besides penguins that wear clothes?] The fact that Suzette was the Existential Stripper made her used to appearing in that way. As a matter of fact, she considered using a print of her pose on a poster. 

Madeline Dupré posed demurely in a becoming black nightgown, merely hinting at curves. Still, it was effective.

Clara Thibodaux wore the red guêpière, a garment never worn by her before. As a matter of fact, she liked the look enough that she purchased one that was similar to the photographer's prop garment.

Missy Chauvin thought she looked smashing in a pink teddy. Maybe a little too daring, but maybe not . . . . Well, it might be too much for Action News!

Marie d'Aquin favored a demure white nightgown for her shoot. She was pleased with the outcome, as was her husband later on!

Hilda Walspurgis wore a black transparent robe, black stockings, and extremely tiny red knickers. She definitely showed another side to herself! A side that she did not encounter before this but was glad for having made the acquaintance.

Just then Father Devereaux and Brother Bob came in for their daily dose of New Orleans stimulant with beignets. The ladies were in the process of passing around the photographer's proofs of them in their finery, and this created a bit of a stir.

The two clerics figured that there was something going on, and it might be better if they didn't inquire too closely. Some things are just not covered in seminaries! Thus, all sides were spared embarrassment.  

So was this a departure into bad taste? Maybe not. As Clotilde put it, "I never would have dared this by myself. You all were nice in supporting me in doing this!" And it was thus that the members of the group got past certain hangups regarding their bodies. After all, critical eyes can find fault anywhere but real friends help you to get over this sense that we don't look like supermodels!

After all, what we see with the professional models also may include some soft focusing, airbrushing, and other tricks to artificially improve on nature anyway. True friends should help make us feel good about ourselves. And that would include each of us feeling beautiful and glamorous in our own right!

And each participant got an interesting set of pictures to save on display or in a scrapbook.








Thursday, August 10, 2017

Missy's Big College Date

When young Missy Chauvin was a j-student at L.S.U., she caught the eye of a president one of the fraternities, who expressed interest in going out with her. His name was Wilfred; and he was from a posh old uptown New Orleans family.

Naively, she accepted. And she breathlessly wondered what thrills or surprises it would bring.

Came the grand moment. Her college leader showed up, wearing jeans and a frat shirt. Purple and gold, naturally! And smelling slightly fragrant. Oh well, this would allow her to be seen more visibly.

But the bigger surprise was that the campus leader showed up with one of the pledges also! Yes, a wee little guy who came along and said nothing.

Little guy was not introduced, but remained quietly on the side. He was apparently along to drive, fetch, and carry; or maybe to learn some pointers on how a member of the fraternity should act.

Anyway, Frat President took her (and little unassuming pledge) to a club. Missy was not quite twenty at the time; and she envisioned herself winding up in the East Baton Rouge Parish jail and making desperate calls to her parents. But, no, campus big shots and athletes are exempt from the worries and rules that are inflicted on the common herd of university students!

Wilfred tried to get her loopy; but Missy set her limit at two drinks. And they were stiffer than she was used to. Missy wondered if he had slipped her a roofie. Then he popped the money question: "How 'bout you and I go to your place 'n screw?"

"No thanks. I'm not ready for doing that."

"Okay.  Then, would ja wanna go do a line or two; or perhaps smoke some joints?"

"No, thank you, Wilfred."

By now if you're thinking that she was scoring a goose egg with Wilfred, you're absolutely right. And you know something? Missy just plain did not care what the jerk thought! 

Wilfred was thinking, "This is one tight chick." And he took her back embarrassingly early (8:30 P.M.) and settled for a perfunctory peck on her cheek. A consolation prize for an unsatisfying evening for both.

And as the guys were leaving, suddenly Missy ran and caught up with the little pledge to gave him a soul kiss and a pelvic grind for him to remember! Maybe those two drinks did loosen her inhibitions! Missy had realized that the little pledge went along to be a live witness of the older frat boy's prowess with the ladies and she wanted to give him something to remember her by!




Monday, February 13, 2017

Praying for the Saints to Win

A group of good ladies from St. Cletus's Parish were having a post Super Bowl session for coffee and beignets, as it turns out.

To tell the truth, no one in the group was exactly enthusiastic about Super Bowl LI: the New England Patriots were universally regarded as cheaters, and Atlanta was always a city known for its questionable charms and manners. No, podners; they all would have preferred that the Saints won, just like in 2010!

But things did not look like things would move that way again soon; so they decided to pray for another Saints win in Super Bowl LII! (As if the Good Lord didn't have more important things to do!)

So Tina Moreau suggested that they all do a novena together and pray for the Saints.

This sounded like a good idea; but Madeline raised an important issue: when to hold this nine days of praying? After all, the Saints started out losing in 2016 and couldn't break the habit.

"Well.....we could hold it at the start of the season," opined Suzette.

But, judging from last year's performance, this called for a deeper effort. Maybe fasting from coffee would do it, suggested Missy Chauvin naively. The shudder around the table to her that this was a nonstarter. Some weakly proposed that a fasting from Ramos gin fizzes be substituted. Or doing a full-fledged fast three days a week. This is playing hardball!

Finally, Clotilde dropped the C-bomb. Oh yes, the proposal that some dreaded: taking a vow of celibacy from beginning of the football season until the Saints won the Super Bowl again! Surely this would be the means to plead the sincerity of the cause. Other people in the Café du Monde thought it was worth a try. And pray to St. Archie Manning for his intercession.

If that didn't work, then let's all have Breakfast at Brennan's and drink mimosas! Now that's how true Orleanians console themselves!

Or they could put a gris-gris on the Patriots and Steelers and Falcons, just in case!









Saturday, November 19, 2016

Local Characters Endorse Politicians

It's a true symbiotic relationship - political candidates and stars. For each major National election, including gubernatorial elections in California the stars and other illuminati strut out to express their heartfelt support for the person they're endorsing. This is somewhat redolent of the red carpet moments preceding the Oscars. They come out, like Punxsutawney Phil, to see their shadows from the camera flashes. Naturally, they're wearing their finest threads! And are accompanied by dutiful spouses, mistresses, their posses, and press agents. And they are so direct in telling why their fervently supporting their endorsee! It serves the function of a dumb show in a Medieval or Renaissance drama; except they have a lot to say.

But why? From whence does the knowledge or expertise of these stars flow from?

There is something cynical in me that detects career reasons for their doing so. Specifically, espousing certain views may be advantageous to their careers! (Some might protest that I'm too young to be with such a jaded outlook; but I'm from New Orleans!)

Anyway, I'll bring the story down close to home.

In our recent gubernatorial race, Democrat John Bel Edwards defeated Republican David Vitter. Now the usual news and television outlets lined up with one candidate or another. Local celebrity endorsements occurred even on the ward level. 

For example, the Lucky Dog Guy and Suzanne the Existential Stripper endorsed John Blutowski for Councilman while the while the "I Know Where You Got Your Shoes" guy endorsed Patricia Broussard. Finally, Honest John the  pawnbroker came out in support of Newton Minnow in the posh Uptown neighborhood. These endorsements were sought because of the notoriety of these mini-celebrities. Besides, each announced that, should their candidate lose, they would move to benighted Mississippi or even darkest Tennessee. 

Crazy Chester sat this one out; figuring that he could make more money on horse racing than he would endorsing some so-so candidate. Besides, the big money was in the gubernatorial race!

Suzanne was the big celebrity draw; especially because she also demonstrated part of her act; stripping down to a body suit emblazoned with the word Blutowski! The Lucky Dog Guy just brought hot dogs and his candidate came out a weiner. Honest John drummed up support for Newton Minnow; but his customer base largely did not come from that Uptown neighborhood. An oversight was that no candidate was endorsed by any of the local celebrity chefs. Whether this was due to adherence to chefs' ethics, or poor taste on the part of politicians was not known. After all, it might be a poor career move to endorse the same candidate as the Lucky Dog Guy.

Anyway, the election was held; voters did what they do. The TV news persons strutted and fretted their hours on the air; and soon were heard no more. 

No local celebrity left town in a huff because his candidate lost. 





Friday, July 8, 2016

When Is It Okay to Wear Yoga Pants?

Yoga pants are seductive - both for the beholder and the wearer. So naturally there is an inertia to wearing them in a variety of additional settings in addition to the gym. Besides, sillies, we know they enhance our butts so nicely! First . . . . why not wear them for the afternoon at home after the workout at the gym . . . . then wear them to the super market when you need something or other.

You know what I mean. Creeping yoga pantsism. Will ladies eventually wear them to church or to court? (A sudder of horror from one in the discussion due to this unbridled informality.)

So this was one of those little dilemmas the ladies of St. Cletus's Parish debated while having their biweekly coffee and beignets. The usual suspects were there: Missy Chauvin, Suzette Picou, Madeline Dupré, Clotilde Badeaux, Marie D'Aquin, and the habitual overcaffeinated crowd of idlers. Well, here's why the matter came up: Father Devereaux gave a sermon on Christian modesty and not being a near occasion for others' impure thoughts and the overscrupulous got to wondering. Hey, maybe the Big Dude looked on those cranberry or black or violet semisheer yoga pants with disapproval. 

To be sure, Madeline earlier had an idea about this; so she asked her boyfriend Officer Pete if her rear view caused any impure thoughts, naively assuming that Pete would tell the truth. He denied it.

Truth to tell, a wise man should never make his woman uncomfortable about what she wears, especially if she looks good wearing it. Don't look for trouble and sulking, he thought.

Well, the discussion went 'round like a dog chasing its tail, which makes a neat metaphor for this sort of moral discussion. Theologians have them too.

Finally, Suzette proposed that we put the matter up for a vote. After all, we had a recent gubernatorial election and had some practice in voting.

Clara asked, "Are we doing it with Plaquemines Parish rules?" Plaquemines Parish is a down-river Parish from Orleans and had been known for voting irregularities in †he past, often from out-of-Parish neer-well-to-dos coming down by steamboat to vote. Nowadays the concept extends to letting anyone vote who happens to be around.

Plaquemines Parish rules were agreed as okay.

Well, although there were six in the group, somehow the official vote tally came out 24-4 in favor of yoga pants not being sinful. Deciding morality by popular vote is cool; especially if you use Plaquemines Parish rules!






Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Are Women Who Wear Body Paint as a Swimsuit Naked or Clothed?

The latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue managed to be a topic for the weekly coffee and beignet session of some New Orleans ladies needing their caffeine and sucrose fix, not to mention a light discussion. Seeing that several of them were attendees at St. Cletus's Parish, the topic came soon to morality.

Specifically, some of the models depicted had 'swimsuits' that were wholly or partly body painted. The question were, are they naked or clothed? Another one was is it sinful to wear body paint instead of a swimsuit?  The discussion was in general terms; but there was a sense that some were willing to break ground with this new sartorial trend. Specifically, Madeline Dupré, Missy Chauvin, and Clotilde Badeaux seemed particularly supportive. Suzette Picou said she tried that at work; but got fewer tips.

Just then, a Catholic priest, Father Tim Devereaux, and a Baptist minister, Brother Bob Bates, came in for their daily caffeine jolt. Despite being of different denominations, they enjoyed their times together and often discussed sports, politics, or other topics that we won't go into!

The girls saw them, and waved them over. The clerics were pleased to have coffee with some pretty ladies. The coffee session was entirely convivial and not stressful, so the body paint questions were raised. 

Both clerics owned up to having seen the latest SI swimsuit; and both missed the hypothetical nudity that had appeared. As a matter of fact, Brother Bob Bates admitted never reading the captions! Father Devereaux comment that he must be getting old, as he missed that tantalizing detail but he would go back tonight and inspect the rectory's copy which he gotten earlier to find suitable sermon material in it.

Brother Bob, thinking this was easy, answered the questions first: "Well, in the usual circumstances, they are not naked because they are wearing concealment in the right places. I think that being covered with paint in those same places serves as well. Both are opaque, so they're not naked. But what do you think, Tim?"

Father Devereaux answered, "That's the way I see it too. They're clothed; they're not immodestly dressed."

"So, apparently immodesty is in the eyes of the beholder?" asked Clotilde. 

"Yes, Clotilde. If you're likely to be offended, don't go to South Beach or St. Tropez," said Brother Bob.

Tim Devereaux decided that there is something to situational ethics after all.

Madeline said, "Cool! I'll surprise Pete when we go to Pass Christian next weekend!"








Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Sleeping in the Nude

During their biweekly gathering over chicory coffee and beignets, one of the ladies brought up an interesting matter. Supposedly, sleeping in the nude gives a person a better night's sleep. Now this appeared in the Times Picyaune, so that word was as good as gospel!

The now-wide awake girls took a minute or two to digest that bit of news; and the floodgate of comments was opened.

Missy Chauvin opened with a little admission: she sometimes did that when she was behind on her washing. Some of the others were surprised by her remark; not by the admission of her sometimes sleeping nude; but by her admitting that she sometimes let the washing slip by. Hilda Walspurgis asked, not censoriously, "What? Do you not like red beans and rice?" She was alluding to the New Orleans custom of preparing red beans and rice on washday; and talk about many things goes down to talking about food. By the way, red beans and rice calls for beer or at least tea.

Marie D'Aquin worried about nekkid sleeping being an occasion for sin of some kind. She then wondered if we should send Madeline Dupré to ask Father Devereaux if it was. Madeline was horrified at the good padre learning that she slept naked; but said, "No, prolly not. If you feel it's sinful, it's because you're probably doing it sinfully." The group had to sort through that moral koan, and went on taking sips of coffee.

Well, Suzette Picou said, "I always slept in the nude; being a little cooler at night helps me sleep a little better. There's just one problem, though."

Madeline asked, "What's that?"

Suzette replied, "Well, you know I like to do my Tai Chi exercises outside when I first wake up. Well, I was doing mine the other day, and I forgot that I slept naked! The poh-lice didn't mind much, though. I support the Policemen's Union!"

So why should people sleep in the nude? Clotilde Badeaux quoted from a Cosmopolitan article that cited, among reasons, it helps you sleep better, it helps release those beneficial hormones as melatonin and growth hormone from being disrupted, it helps you enjoy snuggling better because you release more oxytocin, it results in you having more sex, and it helps air things out down there to keep bacteria and fungi at bay. Because of the absence of ten-foot poles, no one touched that last one.

Now the kitty cat was let out of the bag. Still, Tina Moreau remarked that she normally slept nekkid; but when she wanted to do it, she put on that translucent red and black nightie. Whoa, Nelly; too much information for some! At least they learned a little about her b.f.'s tastes!

Clara Thibodeaux was unusually quiet. But then she said, "When I want to be laid, I wear my Confederate Flag nightie."

"Three questions were asked; but the most important one was "Why?"

Clara said, "Because I want the South to rise again!"

Double entendres still are the lingua franca in New Orleans.



[I got this idea from Bilbo's post a few weeks ago.]

Friday, October 2, 2015

Is It Okay to Go Outside in Your Nightgown?

The annual meeting of the New Orleans Eccentrics' Union had the question-and-answer session, and there were the usual how-to questions that speakers had to field from those needing info on how to be all the eccentric they were meant to be. In this case, the question raised was in two delicate areas: morality and fashion. Now New Orleans as a medium-sized city has opinions galore; opinions to rival Rome on morality and San Francisco on fashion! So this question glided like a manhole cover towards The Monseigneur. the expendable cleric de jour who delivered the invocation.

The question, asked by Hortense Bordelon, was "Is it sinful or tacky to go outside to get the newspaper or water the lawn while you're still wearing a nightgown?

The Monseigneur hemmed and hawed, asked about the intention of the wearer, and how brief and revealing it happened to be. He also pled ignorance about what constitutes tackiness. But he quibbled and said that if the nightgown was transparent or short, it could constitute a near occasion of sin.

Fashion maven and local eccentric Maureen Glapion say that nightgown wearing should be kept to the boudoir; no au courant fashionista would dare appear even in the rec room (itself an unfashionable setting) in a nightgown, much less out-of-doors. She further averred that, in cases of dire need, the nightgown-wearer should at least wear a house coat!

Maven Maureen commented further that any appearance out of doors should always be preceded by putting on makeup as well. A proper fashion-conscious Orleanian should not risk being seen by the postman or the water meter reader without proper makeup and dressed seasonably appropriately. Meaning, don't go out in your bedroom slippers!

But Crazy Chester asked about guys' dress. Is it okay to go out in your boxer shorts, or should you wear pajamas? The thought of Crazy Chester wearing boxers stunned the audience briefly into silence. Would they be decorated in some pattern? Ms. Glapion recovered first, and answered "pajamas." The Monseigneur just looked amazed, as he was trying to digest these thoughts!

Madeline the Prophetess asked, "How about your L.S.U. nightshirt? Or is it okay to go out in your white guepiere to retrieve your Sunday Times-Picyaune if you are also wearing high heels?" The Monseigneur, not knowing what one is, said it was probably alright.

The next day, the Archbishop was reading his newspaper when he read the fashion page headline: "Monseigneur declares that it is fashionable and not sinful to wear a guepiere out of doors." The Archbishop groaned, and thought, "This sort of thing is a downside of priestly celibacy!"




Wednesday, July 8, 2015

A Discussion About Euphemisms

It's one of those reasons that obsessive-compulsiveness and prudishness provide an occasion for scrupulosity.  At least it occurred when the ladies were having cafe au lait and beignets at the Café du Monde.

It so happened that Madeline Dupré (the Prophetess), Clotilde Badeaux, Tina Moreau, Marie D'Aquin, Missy Chauvin, and Clara Thibodeaux were having a serious discussion on what to refer to certain natural processes that, you know, real ladies would not mention or mention only circumspectly.  Clearly, all aspired to that status, but were uncertain how to euphemism them away.

Tina: "Well, when I have to go, I say that I have to spend a penny."

Madeline: "But a pay toilet runs at least two bits, so technically that's an untruth," (using another euphemism).

Clotilde: "Can we say 'number one' or 'number two'?"

Marie: "Oh, too much detail.  What next: describing your number two exactly afterwards?"

Madeline: "Isn't it okay to simply say that you have to answer a call of nature?"

Tina: "Cherie, you get a call of nature every time Pete goes to second base with you!"

Madeline was speechless for a bit.

Marie:  "Well, instead of numbers one and two, my brother calls them 'wizzing' and 'dropping a deuce.'

The others noticeably winced.  But one of them speculated on how some former Supreme Court justice got his nickname.  

Missy:  "How about taking a tinkle?"

Marie:  "Maybe if you are also ringing bells."

Clotilde: "Well, how do you deal with referring to, you know, waxing?"

Madeline: "You don't."

Marie: "I say I have to get my legs shaved."

Clara: "But you're not shaving your legs."

Marie: "Well, I just say I'm getting a waxing."

Missy: "Yes, you would feel comfortable in making people think you're getting your floor waxed."

Marie: "Well, do that too."

Clotilde: "Well, you can keep it vague; and say that you need to get your hair styled."

Clara:  "Some say that they're getting the brush cleared for a landing strip or clear-cutting Mount Venus."

Everyone nodded with approval at these.

Missy: "Well, what's a polite way of saying that you want a boob job?"

Madeline: "That expression itself might be misleading to others, as people will think you want a job that even a stupid male could perform."

Clotilde: "The surgeons refer to it as breast enhancement surgery."

Clara: "That's a bit raw, you know."

Madeline: "Would referring to it as technical enhancement be okay?"

Tina: "I like it; it's vague.  And you can use that term to include anything from makeup to wearing a Wonderbra."

By now I hope you realize that the ladies were having a totally nonserious discussion.  The best kind, in these uptight days of 2015, you know.

But then things got weird.

Clotilde: "Hey, we need to take this matter up with Father Devereaux or the Monseigneur.  Now who do we send?"

Madeline: "I say that since we're all raising these moral and decorum questions, we should go to see him as a group."  Madeline was a prophetess, you know; and she knew they would appoint her to raise that question with the good padre.






Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Special Occasion for a Girls' Night Out

It was the usual Yat* Sisters' night out; but Jane made a reservation at their hangout for dinner for the amazing six. Sometimes it's a good idea if you have a large group and want a table for a festive dinner. (Jane was a little obsessive-compulsive; she got nervous if things were left up to chance.)

Anyway, apparently the hostess was cheerful and accommodating as a good hostess should; and she asked if it was a special occasion. Jane rather flippantly answered, "Oh, we're celebrating Megan's loss of virginity." And thought no more about it, since she thought that the hostess, who knew them, was aware that she was kidding.

Came the girls' night out. They were seated at a really good table for six, and the waiter brought a nice wine. Hey, the service got ramped up since last time it seemed! And the guitarist came and performed a soulful song for Megan and gave her a single, long-stemmed rose. All of us, Jane included, were confused.

Finally, Jane figured it out: the restaurant hostess took her remark literally, and they were really celebrating Megan's loss of virginity! 

After dinner, while the girls were having some coffee before going to a club, the waitress brought out a cake made in the form of a woman's torso to mark the festive occasion. Jane was embarrassed at thing turn of things; and never got up the nerve to tell Megan or the others why those special attentions were provided! 

Did it stop Jane from making offhand, flippant comments in the future? No, making flip remarks is a habit that's hard to break even when you occasionally get hoisted by your own petard. During the next girls' night out, Megan remarked that she enjoyed the celebration of her loss of virginity. It was more fun than when it originally occurred ten years before!

Megan earned some valuable good sport points; always a good deal when the Yat Sisters are hanging out together!

*A New Orleans native; from the greeting, "Where y'at?"


Celebratory cake for the occasion.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Boston Pills

Madame Hébert was totally beyond herself. She was proud of her new white board fence, thinking it would complement her well-manicured garden and lawn; but some sign painter painted an advertisement on it. He didn't pin a handbill; no, he wrote in 6 inch tall green letters, one to a board, the sign 'B O S T O N   P I L L S.' Some less genteel but more direct people would say that she was pissed!

What was worse is that Boston Pills were a locally sold brand of laxative. 

She was so put out that she told the Prophetess Madeline and Crazy Chester about it. As members of the community, they offered to help.

Crazy Chester went, "Well, I can get a gallon of flat white paint and cover those letters. No problem; can do it in a jif!"

But Madeline had a different idea: just re-arrange the 1 X 6 boards. And all agreed on this unorthodox plan. So she and Chester took turns with a claw hammer and pried off the boards with the letters on them. First the 'P'; they put that where the 'B' had gone. They removed the second 'O' and substituted a blank board for it, and so on.

The end product: The fence read 'P O S T   N O   B I L L S.'  The green letters no longer advertised a laxative.  And as a bonus, no handbills!

Friday, March 27, 2015

Marie Laveau

Some of the more enduring stories about old New Orleans center around that voodoo practitioner, Marie Laveau. What is fact and what is an entertaining story is hard to separate at times.

First of all, there was two Marie Laveaus; both with reputations for practicing voodoo.

The first Marie Laveau (1801-1881, probably) was a free woman of color* who sold liquor and acted as a hairdresser. She married Jacques Paris; but he died in 1820. She took a lover and is said to have had 15 children, including the second Marie Laveau. She was the first Voodoo celebrity or superstar. And, as such, she is often represented as a sinister figure.

However, in reading into her life a bit further, it seems that this good woman had a depth of character that was not mentioned in the alarmist stories about how she possibly practiced voodoo. In fact, practically all voodoo was performed for beneficial intent: to get money, for romance, to sell a house, to keep a husband or boyfriend faithful, and so on. Her reputation and that of other voodoo practitioners needs rehabilitation, and soon!

Here's an obituary from the Daily Picyaune marking her passing that may have been a better fit to her actual character than the character assassination that was to come from ignorant and sensationalistic writers since it came from her time frame and not later when the weird stuff got added on:

DEATH OF MARIE LAVEAU



A WOMAN WITH A WONDERFUL HISTORY ALMOST A CENTURY OLD,

CARRIED TO THE TOMB YESTERDAY EVENING.


Those who have passed by the quaint old house on St. Ann, between Rampart and Burgundy streets with the high frail looking fence in front over which a tree or two is visible, have been within the last few years, noticed through the open gateway a decrepid old lady with snow white hair, and a smile of peace and contentment lighting up her golden features. For a few years past she has been missed from her accustomed place. The feeble old lady lay upon her bed with her daughter and grand children around her ministering to her wants.

On Wednesday the invalid sank into the sleep, which knows no waking. Those whom she had befriended crowded into the little room where she was exposed, in order to obtain a last look at the features, smiling even in death, of her who had been so kind to them.


At 5 o'clock yesterday evening Marie Laveau was buried in her family tomb in St. Louis Cemetery No. 1. Her remains were followed to the grave by a large concourse of people, the most prominent and the most humble joining in paying their last respects to the dead. Father Mignot conducted the funeral services.


Marie Laveau was born ninety-eight years ago. Her father was a rich planter, who was prominent in all public affairs, and served in the Legislature of this State. Her mother was Marguerite Henry, and her grandmother was Marguerite Semard. All were beautiful women of color. The gift of beauty was hereditary in the family, and Marie inherited it in the fullest degree. When she was twenty-five years old she was led to the altar by Jacques Paris, a carpenter. This marriage took place at the St. Louis Cathedral. Pere Antoine, of beloved memory, conducting the service, and Mr. Mazureau the famous lawyer, acting as witness. A year afterwards Mr. Paris disappeared, and no one knows to this day what became of him. After waiting a year for his return she married Capt. Christophe Glapion. The latter was also very prominent here, and served with distinction in the battalion of men of San Domingo, under D'Aquin, with Jackson in the war of 1815.


Fifteen children were the result of their marriage. Only one of these is now alive. Capt. Glapion died greatly registered, on the 26th of June, 1855. Five years afterwards Marie Laveau, became ill, and has been sick ever since, her indisposition 

becoming more pronounced and painful within the last ten years.

Besides being very beautiful Marie also was very wise. She was skillful in the practice of medicine and was acquainted with the valuable healing qualities of indigenous herbs.


She was very successful as a nurse, wonderful stories being told of her exploits at the sick bed. In yellow fever and cholera epidemics she was always called upon to nurse the sick, and always responded promptly. Her skill and knowledge earned her the friendship and approbation, of those sufficiently cultivated, but the ignorant attributed her success to unnatural means and held her in constant dread.


Notably in 1853 a committee of gentlemen, appointed at a mass meeting held at Globe Hall, waited on Marie and requested her on behalf of the people to minister to the fever stricken. She went out and fought the pestilence where it was thickest and many alive today owe their salvation to her devotion.


Not alone to the sick man was Marie Laveau a blessing. To help a fellow citizen in distress she considered a priceless privilege. She was born in the house where she died. Her mother lived and died there before her. The unassuming cottage has stood for a century and a half. It was built by the first French settlers of adobe and not a brick was employed in its construction. When it was erected it was considered the handsomest building in the neighborhood. Rampart street was not then in existence, being the skirt of a wilderness and latterly a line of entrenchment. Notwithstanding the decay of her little mansion, Marie made the sight of it pleasant to the unfortunate. At anytime of night or day any one was welcome to food and lodging.

Those in trouble had but to come to her and she would make their cause her own after undergoing great sacrifices in order to assist them.

Besides being charitable, Marie was also very pious and took delight in strengthening the allegiance of souls to the church. She would sit with the condemned in their last moments and endeavor to turn their last thoughts to Jesus. Whenever a prisoner excited her pity Marie would labor incessantly to obtain his pardon, or at least a commutation of sentence, and she generally succeeded.


A few years ago, before she lost control of her memory, she was rich in interesting reminiscences of the early history of this city. She spoke often of the young American Governor Claiborne,** and told how the child-wife he brought with him from Tennessee died of the yellow fever shortly after his arrival with the dead babe upon her bosom was buried in a corner of the old American Cemetery. She spoke sometimes of the strange little man with the wonderful bright eyes Aaron Burr, who was so polite and so dangerous. She loved to talk of Lafayette, who visited New Orleans over half a century ago. The great Frenchman came to see her at her house, and kissed her on the forehead at parting.


She remembered the old French General, Humbert, and was one of the few colored people who escorted to the tomb long since dismantled in the catholic Cemetery, the withered and grizzly remains of the hero of Castelbar. Probably she knew Father Antoine better than any living in those days - for he the priest and she the nurse met at the dying bedside of hundreds of people - she to close the faded eyes in death, and he, to waft the soul over the river to the realms of eternal joy.

in all Marie Laveau was a most wonderful woman. Doing good for the sake of doing good alone, she obtained no reward, oft times meeting with prejudice and loathing, she was nevertheless contented and did not lag in her work. She always had the cause of the people at heart and was with them in all things. During the late rebellion she proved her loyalty to the South at every opportunity and fully dispensed help to those who suffered in defense of the "lost cause." Her last days were spent surrounded by sacred pictures and other evidences of religion, and she died with a firm trust in heaven. While God's sunshine plays around the little tomb where her remains are buried, by the side of her second husband, and her sons and daughters, Marie Laveau's name will not be forgotten in New Orleans.

So there you have it. Other sources from her time said only good things about her. It may be that Marie Laveau, in her own quiet and eccentric way, may have followed the Biblical injunction to love thy neighbor. She had some of the right stuff of which saints are made.



Some morons see fit  to deface her tomb to obtain good luck. They can be prosecuted for this. And should be for defacing a grave.

*An old term used in the antebellum period in Louisiana.
**If you're  interested, many of these people are mentioned in Wikipedia.