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Recently Hello Giggles listed seven commandments of not wearing a bra in public. These include such common sense suggestions as not wearing itchy material, avoiding animals with claws, being careful of how shoulder bags hang across your chest, not being envious of someone else's apparently better endowment, and so forth.
Missy Chauvin thought that she would adopt this daring look for National No Bra Day (Oct. 13th). Besides, she had an eye on television ratings and, while Action News was tops in the New Orleans Metro Area, they had to keep up with the competition continually.
However, she did not share this crafty plan with the news anchor Al Gautreaux or weather person Sharon Rideaux or with the Program Director Vickie Connelly. You can call this the Semi-big October Surprise.
Anyway, she wore her jacket on set and took it off as she seated herself at the news desk. This was despite the fact that the set is normally cool!
And, as the cameraman panned across the set, there was TAA-TAA! Something not ever seen before on Action News. Actually, FOUR things.
It seemed that Sharon, the weather reporter, also decided to celebrate National No Bra Day!
Missy was irritated that Sharon stole some of her thunder. And it showed.
Al, as news anchor, got into the spirit of things, and ad libbed a few double entendres:
"Missy, what bumps stand in the way of the Saints' progress? "
"Sharon, is the weather likely to be a little nippy tomorrow morning?" [Said in New Orleans in October; very unlikely!]
"At 11:30 tonight, we'll carry another episode of Twin Peaks. In the meantime, here's an interview we can get a rise from."
But, at least, Missy consoled herself, hers were not cattywampus like Sharon's!
(After all, who wants to prove she's not wearing a bra by holding up a dull white one?)
The bi-weekly gathering of les femmes of St. Cletus's Parish in the New Orleans coffeehouse sometimes has conversations that run into the borderline risqué. Let's face it: this is partly due to the inherent interest in some topics and also raising these helps to egg on some more reticent members among the coffee-drinkers to reveal more about themselves than they planned.
Okay, the topic that came up for the day was what to do after sex. Needless to say, both the sexually active conversational participants and the celibate ones found this interesting! One reason why this topic is intrinsically interesting is because some in the group occasionally reporting having problems with post-coital tristesse. Bonne nuit tristesse! Alas, Galen got it wrong when he wrote that "every animal is sad after coitus except for the human female and the rooster." One wonders about his research sampling methods . . . . Were his partners accomplished in faking orgasms, or happy it was over?
Anyway, the two usual suspects for post-coital activities, sleeping and cuddling came up right away. Missy Chauvin pointed out that some guys were just not that good at cuddling, and that maybe cuddling lessons should be added to the college curriculum!* That got a rise, to be sure! Still, some said that cuddling is a great way to come down afterwards.
Also mentioned was that old reliable, Netflix.
Hilda Walspurgis recommended that, if you feel energized after sex, then that's a perfect time to do some house cleaning! Nothing like vacuuming to carry on the feeling!
Missy reported that having great sex made her feel like practicing basketball. She was the reigning H-O-R-S-E champion of the Parish! This explains the popularity of the N.B.A.
Along those same lines, Clotilde Badeaux said that she would immediately segue into her yoga regime. Clara Thibodaux asked, "What about the guy you were canoodling with?"
Her response was, "I don't know. The last one left while I was doing down dog and farted!"
Speaking of cleaning, neat freak Marie d'Aquin said that she always took a shower immediately afterwards. And it saves water to shower with a friend. When asked if the guy she had sex with is a friend, she replied, "Well, I do give him a performance review before asking him to join me!"
Bernadette Richard raised an interesting possibility: spend some time afterwards on a post-performance review. Clearly, she was influenced by some of the new thinking in business! And, who knows, maybe it might increase the enjoyment of future encounters . . . . especially for those not following the short-term (hookup) mating strategy.**
Madeline cautiously inquired whether the same sort of activity choices would apply after making out. Immediately this caused some of the gathering to wonder whether their assumptions regarding her and Officer Pete were valid. Not that anyone had the nerve to ask!
Suzette Picou, AKA the Existential Stripper, said that after sex she would then make a pot of coffee. This mystified the good ladies; but she put it in terms to re-priming the pump for an encore!
Madeline asked, like a typical Orleanian, "Do you serve it straight or café au lait and use real chicory coffee or that weak stuff that tourists drink?"
*That would be a real plus for the P.E. Department!
**A concept that you can credit or blame evolutionary psychology for.
The biweekly get-together over coffee and beignets recently got a new twist for animated discussion; something not involving questions of New Orleans politics or faith or morals. No, give our ladies credit for being more broad in their interests. Now sashaying into the realm of fine arts.
Specifically, Suzanne Picou mentioned that a photographer friend of hers was introducing a new line: boudoir photography. No, this is not a flashback from the 1990s when mall photographers included period costumes for teen girls to pose in for boyfriend- or husband-intended pictures. This was cheesecake for the masses, without the high caloric overload from the edible product.
It's typical of New Orleans, in a way, to be totally retro in tastes. Thus Mme. Pluchard and M. Antoine opened a line of boudoir photography as a stylistic venture. It caught on among the latent vain and curious.
These boudoir pictures were pictures that the photographer had made of ladies in slightly erotic poses and costumes: revealing swimsuits, nightgowns, guêpières, teddies, and so forth. Suffice it to say, the girls were interested!
But how far to take it? Surprisingly, to an unexpected degree. Even the ordinarily discreet Madeline and the prudish Hilda Walspurgis were game for glamor this time. Madeline thought that a mild nightgown pose might please Officer Pete; and Hilda apparently rose to an unexpected degree in raciness. Oh well, consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds, as some overquoted Transcendentalist supposedly said.
Even better. They would sign up for photography sessions, and at their next meeting share their creations with each other while consuming café au lait and beignets.
So it happened.
And the next coffee session was looked forward with great anticipation. Mme. Pluchard managed to please even the more timid models, and they all came with their envelopes containing proofs.
Clotilde Badeau posed with a come hither look in her lingerie. Tell-tale stretch marks were discreetly airbrushed out. The ladies oohed and ahhed. Clotilde, at first shy, smiled and then beamed with happiness.
Suzette Picou's featured her as naked as a jaybird. [Question for linguistic purists: Are there any avian species besides penguins that wear clothes?] The fact that Suzette was the Existential Stripper made her used to appearing in that way. As a matter of fact, she considered using a print of her pose on a poster.
Madeline Dupré posed demurely in a becoming black nightgown, merely hinting at curves. Still, it was effective.
Clara Thibodaux wore the red guêpière, a garment never worn by her before. As a matter of fact, she liked the look enough that she purchased one that was similar to the photographer's prop garment.
Missy Chauvin thought she looked smashing in a pink teddy. Maybe a little too daring, but maybe not . . . . Well, it might be too much for Action News!
Marie d'Aquin favored a demure white nightgown for her shoot. She was pleased with the outcome, as was her husband later on!
Hilda Walspurgis wore a black transparent robe, black stockings, and extremely tiny red knickers. She definitely showed another side to herself! A side that she did not encounter before this but was glad for having made the acquaintance.
Just then Father Devereaux and Brother Bob came in for their daily dose of New Orleans stimulant with beignets. The ladies were in the process of passing around the photographer's proofs of them in their finery, and this created a bit of a stir.
The two clerics figured that there was something going on, and it might be better if they didn't inquire too closely. Some things are just not covered in seminaries! Thus, all sides were spared embarrassment.
So was this a departure into bad taste? Maybe not. As Clotilde put it, "I never would have dared this by myself. You all were nice in supporting me in doing this!" And it was thus that the members of the group got past certain hangups regarding their bodies. After all, critical eyes can find fault anywhere but real friends help you to get over this sense that we don't look like supermodels!
After all, what we see with the professional models also may include some soft focusing, airbrushing, and other tricks to artificially improve on nature anyway. True friends should help make us feel good about ourselves. And that would include each of us feeling beautiful and glamorous in our own right!
And each participant got an interesting set of pictures to save on display or in a scrapbook.
When young Missy Chauvin was a j-student at L.S.U., she caught the eye of a president one of the fraternities, who expressed interest in going out with her. His name was Wilfred; and he was from a posh old uptown New Orleans family.
Naively, she accepted. And she breathlessly wondered what thrills or surprises it would bring.
Came the grand moment. Her college leader showed up, wearing jeans and a frat shirt. Purple and gold, naturally! And smelling slightly fragrant. Oh well, this would allow her to be seen more visibly.
But the bigger surprise was that the campus leader showed up with one of the pledges also! Yes, a wee little guy who came along and said nothing.
Little guy was not introduced, but remained quietly on the side. He was apparently along to drive, fetch, and carry; or maybe to learn some pointers on how a member of the fraternity should act.
Anyway, Frat President took her (and little unassuming pledge) to a club. Missy was not quite twenty at the time; and she envisioned herself winding up in the East Baton Rouge Parish jail and making desperate calls to her parents. But, no, campus big shots and athletes are exempt from the worries and rules that are inflicted on the common herd of university students!
Wilfred tried to get her loopy; but Missy set her limit at two drinks. And they were stiffer than she was used to. Missy wondered if he had slipped her a roofie. Then he popped the money question: "How 'bout you and I go to your place 'n screw?"
"No thanks. I'm not ready for doing that."
"Okay. Then, would ja wanna go do a line or two; or perhaps smoke some joints?"
"No, thank you, Wilfred."
By now if you're thinking that she was scoring a goose egg with Wilfred, you're absolutely right. And you know something? Missy just plain did not care what the jerk thought!
Wilfred was thinking, "This is one tight chick." And he took her back embarrassingly early (8:30 P.M.) and settled for a perfunctory peck on her cheek. A consolation prize for an unsatisfying evening for both.
And as the guys were leaving, suddenly Missy ran and caught up with the little pledge to gave him a soul kiss and a pelvic grind for him to remember! Maybe those two drinks did loosen her inhibitions! Missy had realized that the little pledge went along to be a live witness of the older frat boy's prowess with the ladies and she wanted to give him something to remember her by!
Missy Chauvin once did a morning show in addition to being the co-anchor for Action News. This Morning Show was very diverse in topics, and included some tips on everyday problems.
One was a series on car tips. It included such timely advice on what to do with certain automotive problems. Here's a sample:
1) If you are having problems with turn signals, then take your car in for more turn signal fluid. Never let it get too low!
2) If your muffler gets noisy, then go to an auto supply store and purchase a large decal for the rear window.
3) If stopped by a traffic cop, then unbutton the top two buttons of your blouse. Or three, if he looks cute.
4) Fill up your car with Premium Gas once a month. It makes it feel special and loved.
5) If there is a deer or a cow on the road, flash your lights off and on. Don't try to avoid it, as you don't know where it will go. If a nutria, speed up and aim to the varmint!
6) Shift into neutral at traffic jams or long traffic lights.
7) Keep your tires properly inflated.
8) If you and your man are trying to make a baby, then he shouldn't use the car seat warmer. It raises scrotal temperature by as much as 4 degrees.
9) Don't text while driving. Even to your Mama or bookie.
10) Change your oil filter and air filter regularly.
11) Keep your gas tank more than half full during cold weather. Otherwise, it gets filled with moist air, which can condense to water, which settles down at the bottom of the tank, and can get in your fuel line. (We're in Louisiana, you know.)
12) If four cars reach a four-way stop at the same time, the car with the gun rack has the right-of-way.
13) Don't paint your toenails while driving.
14) Don't get a red car. They're more likely to be stopped for speeding or because the policeman thinks that you are hot.
15) Acting ditsy might get you out of a speeding ticket.
16) Telling the cop that you were speeding to go to all nine churches on Good Friday might get you out of a ticket. This works only on Good Friday in New Orleans or Jefferson Parish.
17) Change your auto deodorizer regularly. Or even better, use some nice potpourri.
18) Change your oil every 3000 miles or whatever the manufacturer recommends. Add more oil by removing the 7-10 cap.
19) Add power steering fluid, transmission fluid, and windshield fluid if low.
20) Lock your car while shopping. You don't want a wino to sleep it off in the back.
Because of these timely tips, there was more happy motoring in the New Orleans area.
A group of good ladies from St. Cletus's Parish were having a post Super Bowl session for coffee and beignets, as it turns out.
To tell the truth, no one in the group was exactly enthusiastic about Super Bowl LI: the New England Patriots were universally regarded as cheaters, and Atlanta was always a city known for its questionable charms and manners. No, podners; they all would have preferred that the Saints won, just like in 2010!
But things did not look like things would move that way again soon; so they decided to pray for another Saints win in Super Bowl LII! (As if the Good Lord didn't have more important things to do!)
So Tina Moreau suggested that they all do a novena together and pray for the Saints.
This sounded like a good idea; but Madeline raised an important issue: when to hold this nine days of praying? After all, the Saints started out losing in 2016 and couldn't break the habit.
"Well.....we could hold it at the start of the season," opined Suzette.
But, judging from last year's performance, this called for a deeper effort. Maybe fasting from coffee would do it, suggested Missy Chauvin naively. The shudder around the table to her that this was a nonstarter. Some weakly proposed that a fasting from Ramos gin fizzes be substituted. Or doing a full-fledged fast three days a week. This is playing hardball!
Finally, Clotilde dropped the C-bomb. Oh yes, the proposal that some dreaded: taking a vow of celibacy from beginning of the football season until the Saints won the Super Bowl again! Surely this would be the means to plead the sincerity of the cause. Other people in the Café du Monde thought it was worth a try. And pray to St. Archie Manning for his intercession.
If that didn't work, then let's all have Breakfast at Brennan's and drink mimosas! Now that's how true Orleanians console themselves!
Or they could put a gris-gris on the Patriots and Steelers and Falcons, just in case!
Yoga pants are seductive - both for the beholder and the wearer. So naturally there is an inertia to wearing them in a variety of additional settings in addition to the gym. Besides, sillies, we know they enhance our butts so nicely! First . . . . why not wear them for the afternoon at home after the workout at the gym . . . . then wear them to the super market when you need something or other.
You know what I mean. Creeping yoga pantsism. Will ladies eventually wear them to church or to court? (A sudder of horror from one in the discussion due to this unbridled informality.)
So this was one of those little dilemmas the ladies of St. Cletus's Parish debated while having their biweekly coffee and beignets. The usual suspects were there: Missy Chauvin, Suzette Picou, Madeline Dupré, Clotilde Badeaux, Marie D'Aquin, and the habitual overcaffeinated crowd of idlers. Well, here's why the matter came up: Father Devereaux gave a sermon on Christian modesty and not being a near occasion for others' impure thoughts and the overscrupulous got to wondering. Hey, maybe the Big Dude looked on those cranberry or black or violet semisheer yoga pants with disapproval.
To be sure, Madeline earlier had an idea about this; so she asked her boyfriend Officer Pete if her rear view caused any impure thoughts, naively assuming that Pete would tell the truth. He denied it.
Truth to tell, a wise man should never make his woman uncomfortable about what she wears, especially if she looks good wearing it. Don't look for trouble and sulking, he thought.
Well, the discussion went 'round like a dog chasing its tail, which makes a neat metaphor for this sort of moral discussion. Theologians have them too.
Finally, Suzette proposed that we put the matter up for a vote. After all, we had a recent gubernatorial election and had some practice in voting.
Clara asked, "Are we doing it with Plaquemines Parish rules?" Plaquemines Parish is a down-river Parish from Orleans and had been known for voting irregularities in †he past, often from out-of-Parish neer-well-to-dos coming down by steamboat to vote. Nowadays the concept extends to letting anyone vote who happens to be around.
Plaquemines Parish rules were agreed as okay.
Well, although there were six in the group, somehow the official vote tally came out 24-4 in favor of yoga pants not being sinful. Deciding morality by popular vote is cool; especially if you use Plaquemines Parish rules!
The latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue managed to be a topic for the weekly coffee and beignet session of some New Orleans ladies needing their caffeine and sucrose fix, not to mention a light discussion. Seeing that several of them were attendees at St. Cletus's Parish, the topic came soon to morality.
Specifically, some of the models depicted had 'swimsuits' that were wholly or partly body painted. The question were, are they naked or clothed? Another one was is it sinful to wear body paint instead of a swimsuit? The discussion was in general terms; but there was a sense that some were willing to break ground with this new sartorial trend. Specifically, Madeline Dupré, Missy Chauvin, and Clotilde Badeaux seemed particularly supportive. Suzette Picou said she tried that at work; but got fewer tips.
Just then, a Catholic priest, Father Tim Devereaux, and a Baptist minister, Brother Bob Bates, came in for their daily caffeine jolt. Despite being of different denominations, they enjoyed their times together and often discussed sports, politics, or other topics that we won't go into!
The girls saw them, and waved them over. The clerics were pleased to have coffee with some pretty ladies. The coffee session was entirely convivial and not stressful, so the body paint questions were raised.
Both clerics owned up to having seen the latest SI swimsuit; and both missed the hypothetical nudity that had appeared. As a matter of fact, Brother Bob Bates admitted never reading the captions! Father Devereaux comment that he must be getting old, as he missed that tantalizing detail but he would go back tonight and inspect the rectory's copy which he gotten earlier to find suitable sermon material in it.
Brother Bob, thinking this was easy, answered the questions first: "Well, in the usual circumstances, they are not naked because they are wearing concealment in the right places. I think that being covered with paint in those same places serves as well. Both are opaque, so they're not naked. But what do you think, Tim?"
Father Devereaux answered, "That's the way I see it too. They're clothed; they're not immodestly dressed."
"So, apparently immodesty is in the eyes of the beholder?" asked Clotilde.
"Yes, Clotilde. If you're likely to be offended, don't go to South Beach or St. Tropez," said Brother Bob.
Tim Devereaux decided that there is something to situational ethics after all.
Madeline said, "Cool! I'll surprise Pete when we go to Pass Christian next weekend!"
During their biweekly gathering over chicory coffee and beignets, one of the ladies brought up an interesting matter. Supposedly, sleeping in the nude gives a person a better night's sleep. Now this appeared in the Times Picyaune, so that word was as good as gospel!
The now-wide awake girls took a minute or two to digest that bit of news; and the floodgate of comments was opened.
Missy Chauvin opened with a little admission: she sometimes did that when she was behind on her washing. Some of the others were surprised by her remark; not by the admission of her sometimes sleeping nude; but by her admitting that she sometimes let the washing slip by. Hilda Walspurgis asked, not censoriously, "What? Do you not like red beans and rice?" She was alluding to the New Orleans custom of preparing red beans and rice on washday; and talk about many things goes down to talking about food. By the way, red beans and rice calls for beer or at least tea.
Marie D'Aquin worried about nekkid sleeping being an occasion for sin of some kind. She then wondered if we should send Madeline Dupré to ask Father Devereaux if it was. Madeline was horrified at the good padre learning that she slept naked; but said, "No, prolly not. If you feel it's sinful, it's because you're probably doing it sinfully." The group had to sort through that moral koan, and went on taking sips of coffee.
Well, Suzette Picou said, "I always slept in the nude; being a little cooler at night helps me sleep a little better. There's just one problem, though."
Madeline asked, "What's that?"
Suzette replied, "Well, you know I like to do my Tai Chi exercises outside when I first wake up. Well, I was doing mine the other day, and I forgot that I slept naked! The poh-lice didn't mind much, though. I support the Policemen's Union!"
So why should people sleep in the nude? Clotilde Badeaux quoted from a Cosmopolitan article that cited, among reasons, it helps you sleep better, it helps release those beneficial hormones as melatonin and growth hormone from being disrupted, it helps you enjoy snuggling better because you release more oxytocin, it results in you having more sex, and it helps air things out down there to keep bacteria and fungi at bay. Because of the absence of ten-foot poles, no one touched that last one.
Now the kitty cat was let out of the bag. Still, Tina Moreau remarked that she normally slept nekkid; but when she wanted to do it, she put on that translucent red and black nightie. Whoa, Nelly; too much information for some! At least they learned a little about her b.f.'s tastes!
Clara Thibodeaux was unusually quiet. But then she said, "When I want to be laid, I wear my Confederate Flag nightie."
"Three questions were asked; but the most important one was "Why?"
Clara said, "Because I want the South to rise again!"
Double entendres still are the lingua franca in New Orleans.
[I got this idea from Bilbo's post a few weeks ago.]
Missy Chauvin, our Action News reporter, was having a conversation with her amie Madeline, otherwise known as The Prophetess, regarding some minor health problems calling for a traiteur, a Cajun folk healer. Just in passing, Missy commented that Dr. Williams, her OB-GYN, put her on Anafranil (clomipramine) to help her deal with her nerves.
Missy said, "This is embarrassing, Maddy. But I think that a side effect of the new drug he gave me causes me to experience the Big O whenever I yawn! Last night I yawned while Henry was doing the weather before the sports update and I'm afraid I was a bit loud and obvious. However, the director complimented me on my ad-libbing to perk up interest. When we don't have a hurricane threat, the weather report is just plain bo-ring!"
"Oh, my goodness, Missy," Madeline said "That must be distressing. Are you doing anything about it?"
"Well, I drink espresso before we go on camera. I also attend City Council meetings and listen to Father Devereaux's sermons; but watching World Cup soccer seems to work best of all."
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Over 30 years ago McLean and co-researchers reported an unusual side effect associated with clomipramine (Anafranil): about five percent of persons who use this drug, they report experiencing orgasms when they yawn!
Now clomipramine is an antidepressant and anti-OCD medication that has more general effects than the specific seroronin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs): it also affects norepinephrine, dopamine, and other neurotransmitter sites. In a way, we can describe its effects as somewhat less specific.
Now a common undesirable side effect of antidepressants is decreased libido on the part of the user, including the commonly-used SSRIs. However, SSRIs are preferred because they have fewer side effects.
However, for about five percent of clomipramine users, whenever they yawn, they experience an orgasm. Some like this side effect!
.
McLean, J. D., Forsythe, R. G., and Kapkin, I. A. Unusual side effects of clomipramine associated with yawning. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry / La Revue canadienne de psychiatrie, Vol 28(7), Nov 1983, 569-570.
What a story for Al Gautreaux and Missy Chauvin to cover on Action News!
This was a local saga of a lawyer/television personality and a local cabbie. I leave it to you to sort it out, and figure what was going on.
First, the taxi driver picked up a young female on Bourbon street who apparently had a few drinks and was flirtatious with him. This was a local radio celebrity who was also an attorney. She later filed a police report that the taxi driver took an upskirt picture of her, and then tried to extort some money to destroy the video. The claim was that he first asked for $60,000, but modified it to $1,000! Apparently, that was the local going rate for upskirt videos of attorneys in New Orleans. The recession does that to extortion, apparently.
Recently, Mike posted a video that addressed a similar matter.
The N.O.P.D. dutifully arrested him and sent him to jail. Orleans Parish Prison is a nasty place.
This story made a row, even by New Orleans standards, and was even picked up by a newspaper in Britain, that seat of probity in reporting.
Later on, the case against the cabbie was dismissed; still leaving him with numerous debts incurred because of his incarceration. And the N.O.P.D. soon had occasion to file false arrest charges against the attorney! This must have made their day, given the somewhat adverserial relationship between the minions of the law and some officers of the court! If convicted, she could get a year in jail, herself.
Al: "Anything more on the taxi driver and the radio personality, Missy."
Missy: "Only this, Al. The Police Department has filed charges against her based on the possibility that she fabricated the story leading to the driver's arrest."
Al: "Is there any chance we can get an upskirt photo of someone to run on the 10 P.M. news?"
Missy: "That would be a ratings boost; but not likely to be approved by the F.C.C."
Al: "Oh well, bare bottoms are not unheard of on Bourbon Street."
Missy: "Maybe we could have the participants come on like on the old Jerry Springer Show?"
Sometimes real life outstrips imagination in New Orleans. At least Nancy Grace was not involved. As the Prophetess would have observed, that was the most graceful thing of the whole sorry, ambiguous affair.
Missy Chauvin, our Action News Reporter along with Al Gautreaux, heard a rumor circulating in the Quarter in Old New Orleans; and being the newshound that she was, decided to look into it. After all, it was soon going to be Sweeps Week, and at the beginning of the Silly Season! And there's something even more 10 P.M. newsworthy than the usual ration of accidents, and perhaps a shooting or two. Maybe sometimes river traffic can be held up by barge or tugboat problems, but that doesn't happen too often.
No, I will not be coy: there's nothing better for the news program ratings than the breaking of a sex scandal involving one or more of the local politicos. Now Louisiana politics is venal; you might even say corrupt. As Huey Long once oberved about a certain state senator: "We bought him like a sack of potatoes."
Rumor had it that one was visiting a House of Ill Repute. As a former mayor Martin Behrman once observed, "You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular." So Missy asked Crazy Chester if knew any pols visiting the local parlor houses. His take on it was, "No, the Country Club Set has made their services obsolete."
But he did have a hot tip: One of the Ward Bosses had a stripper for a girlfriend!!! Oh joy, blessed scandal! So, Missy had something to show for her effort; better than Al's reporting on the scarcity of shrimps and oysters at the French Market.
So she took up the idea and the supporting evidence with the Action News Director, thinking this was a sure-fire lead.
But the News Director was unimpressed. "Only a Ward Boss? Why old-timers remember when a former Governor and a Judge had stripper girlfriends. And, years ago, Carl Hiassen wrote a comic novel called Strip Tease made into a movie with Demi Moore! And Missy, details, details . . . . What's her bra size? At what club does she perform? If you're going to report on lowlife in a whiskey and trombone city, you need to get all the tittillating facts!"
"Missy, the public is pretty desensitized to ill behavior from politicians. Now, maybe if you look into an expose of a member of senior management of one of our competitiors or an oil company executive we might be able to play!"
Missy Chauvin's recent program in which she had Madeline discuss the major types of guys was an audience favorite, so her producers assigned her to follow suit on different types of women. Madeline felt that she could not do the topic justice, so Missy called on her fellow Action News reporter Al Gautreaux to fill in the spot.
In fact, when he isn't diligently pursuing the news, Al is notorious for being an appreciator of women in all of their forms. A bit of a roué in training. Besides, he was already in the studio, having his second cup of coffee gratis from the newsroom pot. (With chicory, absolutely).
So.......... the program begins:
Missy Chauvin: "Al Gautreaux, we're always delighted to have you as a guest on The Morning Program in addition to being with you on Action News. The topic for this morning is types of women. Our avid viewing audience would like to know your take on this, so tell it all as it may be!"
Al Gautreaux: "Thank you, Missy; but you give me far more credit for knowledge. I'm still in the learning stage, and lessons sometimes go hard. But let me start off by mentioning a few types:
There's the highly motivated career woman. You an always see her on the street wearing a business suit, and carrying the Wall Street Journal. Business is her forté, and any love life comes incidentally. As women go, she is the Alpha Woman, and if you go with her you had better know it!
Then there's the ex-sorority girl. She does work after a fashion; but her style is more to socializing and good times. She would be easily led astray with sojourns to the Florabama on the Gulf Coast or maybe a dirty weekend at St. Martin's, where she cheerfully goes topless.
I cannot avoid mentioning the sincerely religious girl. Her focus is on matters spiritual, and if you see her, you had better expect a lot of church time. Also, she is saving herself for marriage. And not very often then.
Then there's the skank. She can easily be found in bars; and her signature skill is being about to tie a cherry stem in a knot while using her tongue. She's easy, what more do I need to say?
Missy: "Al, aren't these a little overblown? Aren't there other women that are out there?"
Al: "Yes, Missy, there's the standard Yat. Whatever her age, she lives and dies according to the fate of the Saints. In guess that in that way she is religious. She's fun to be with, she has a heavy accent, and can be soothed by a Dixie longneck or two. Standard Yats make for nice girlfriends; they won't object if you watch the game on television and will even have a beer or two with you.
No so with the Uptown charmer. She spends the period before Mardi Gras going to balls; when young she attended a finishing school and her mother groomed her to marry a bank executive or a corporate lawyer. She's out of most guys' league! You're most likely to encounter her at a debutante cotillion.
There's also the Scholar. This rarely-seen shy species is usually in the library stacks, or immersed in some laboratory. Little is known about her mating habits.
Finally, there's the Artiste. She is usually engrossed in her art, or her music, or her writing. She can be seen occasionally at the Napoleon House, but is typically a loner." She's heavy into theory, not much on practicality.
Missy: "Well, Al, you seem to have described a range of possible women. But what about that lady you had that brief encounter with; how does she fall in the scheme of things?
Al: "Which one?" [Visibly winces]
Missy: "Oh, you know, Mistress Wanda!
http://evil-pop-tart.blogspot.com/2010/10/mistress-wanda-dominatrix-for-modern.html
Al: "Missy, she's sui generis!"
Missy Chauvin, star reporter for T.V.'s Action News, was assigned to do a scary feature for Halloween. She decided to go to one of the local scary places to see what could come of it.
But what one? The Lalaurie home was overdone. St. Louis Number One was dangerous, even in the daytime. And she couldn't manage another trip to the Myrtles in Francisville.
Suddenly, she had an inspiration: she could pretend to interview the Honey Island Swamp Monster with Brian, her cameraman and, Reggie, her co-star playing in the starring role while wearing a monster suit. (Brian referred to Missy as 'his mike stand.') Anyway, she Googled the Swamp Monster, seeking out likely locations. Also, since part of the script was that she would pretend to be abducted by the Honey Island Swamp Monster, she wore a ravishing lilac-and-pink nightgown under she reporter's dress. After all, she needed to look good for the abduction scene! Always a professional, with the long-standing history of New Orleans journalism in mind.
So Missy, Brian, and Reggie wander around the swamp, pretending to look high and low for this form of cryptozoology. Reggie, not familiar with the layout of the swamp, got lost. After a while, they happen upon a tall, hairy, amorphous creature that somehow doesn't look like Reggie's costume! Brian runs away, having remembered a date with Sienna Miller, or was it Jessica Biel? Brian was not adept in excuse-making; but few camerapersons are, you know.
Anyway, Missy finds that the script is taking place in real life, and that the H.I.M. does a better job with the action than Reggie ever could in the rehearsals! [Missy thought, "Oh well, I'm dressed for a swamp abduction."]
Missy screamed, "Where are you taking me," more by reflex than with the expectation that the Monster spoke English. However, to her surprise, he did.
"Oh, just taking you on a date!" Missy thought the worst: what horrors would a date with a monster entail??? "Let me put on some pants and a jacket and a hat . . . . "
And they wound up at the Waffle House in Pearl River. Neither the hairy guy in the fishing clothes or the lady in her nightgown seemed to be remarkable to the late night crowd nursing their coffee and eating waffles. The night waitress simply thought that he was a New Orleans lawyer who spent a week on a fishing trip in the swamp nearby and went to seed as a vacation from his usual, dapper self. Lawyers easily go to seed in the sticks of St. Tammany Parish.
The Honey Island Swamp Monster turned out to be a regular customer, preferring the French toast there.
Missy said, "Say Monster, would you like to try my French toast using my pain perdu recipe?"
It turned out that the Honey Island Swamp Monster was a LSU fan and Missy Chauvin wound up with an occasional, though hairy, boyfriend.
