Friday, March 3, 2017

Missy Chauvin's Car Tips

Missy Chauvin once did a morning show in addition to being the co-anchor for Action News. This Morning Show was very diverse in topics, and included some tips on everyday problems.

One was a series on car tips. It included such timely advice on what to do with certain automotive problems. Here's a sample:

1) If you are having problems with turn signals, then take your car in for more turn signal fluid. Never let it get too low!

2) If your muffler gets noisy, then go to an auto supply store and purchase a large decal for the rear window.

3) If stopped by a traffic cop, then unbutton the top two buttons of your blouse. Or three, if he looks cute.

4) Fill up your car with Premium Gas once a month. It makes it feel special and loved.

5) If there is a deer or a cow on the road, flash your lights off and on. Don't try to avoid it, as you don't know where it will go. If a nutria, speed up and aim to the varmint!

6) Shift into neutral at traffic jams or long traffic lights.

7) Keep your tires properly inflated.

8) If you and your man are trying to make a baby, then he shouldn't use the car seat warmer. It raises scrotal temperature by as much as 4 degrees.

9) Don't text while driving. Even to your Mama or bookie.

10) Change your oil filter and air filter regularly.

11) Keep your gas tank more than half full during cold weather. Otherwise, it gets filled with moist air, which can condense to water, which settles down at the bottom of the tank, and can get in your fuel line. (We're in Louisiana, you know.)

12) If four cars reach a four-way stop at the same time, the car with the gun rack has the right-of-way.

13) Don't paint your toenails while driving.

14) Don't get a red car. They're more likely to be stopped for speeding or because the policeman thinks that you are hot.

15) Acting ditsy might get you out of a speeding ticket.

16) Telling the cop that you were speeding to go to all nine churches on Good Friday might get you out of a ticket. This works only on Good Friday in New Orleans or Jefferson Parish.

17) Change your auto deodorizer regularly. Or even better, use some nice potpourri.

18) Change your oil every 3000 miles or whatever the manufacturer recommends. Add more oil by removing the 7-10 cap.

19) Add power steering fluid, transmission fluid, and windshield fluid if low.

20) Lock your car while shopping. You don't want a wino to sleep it off in the back.

Because of these timely tips, there was more happy motoring in the New Orleans area.


Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Don't overlook the blinker fluid.

John Hill said...

Never had a car with seat warmers.
Today you can even buy motorcycles with seat warmers!
Good tips!

Cloudia said...

a few good ones, a few funny ones!

Mike said...

Some good tips. Some crazy tips. I had to look up the 7-10 cap. I remembered the old joke once I saw the explanation.

If Republicans find out seat warmers are a form of birth control they'll ban them.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thanks for visiting and commenting, y'all!

Mike, surely Republicans like warm behinds too!

allenwoodhaven said...

We certainly don't want a nutria invasion!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

allenwoodhaven, the nutria invasion of Louisiana worked completely.

Gorilla Bananas said...

A little dwarf could sit beside the pedals and paint her toenails. That would make driving so much more useful.