Friday, May 29, 2015

Some Jokes

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied with this number, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

It was near the end of the school year. The teacher turned in the grades and there was really nothing more to do. All the children were restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny got even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny was boiling mad that he has not been first to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turned her back Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around angrily: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"



A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was taken into an examining room and waited for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby, and found him not gaining much weight and so he asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," ordered the doctor.

She took off her top and bra and sat on the examining  table. The doc started pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motioned to her to get dressed, then the doctor said: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responded: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Shelf Life of Slang

Pardon me, folks, for bringing up a delicate matter of sorts: slang. Obviously, new slang expressions get added to the common lexicon. Some continue to have currency, while others drop off soonish. Will selfie be cut from the slang roster soon; or will our great-grandchildren continue to take selfies? Likewise, gnarly and cool seem to have legs; but lounge lizard, and ring-a-ding either mark the user as hopelessly outdated or suggest the user is superannuated. Slanguage usage is further complicated by the fact that some old slang is revived, like a cardiac arrest patient responding to CPR. (We could call that retro slang.)  However, the main problem is that some passé terms just don't go away easily, much like a case of bronchitis in February!

Anyway, here's some examples of popular slang expressions dating from various decades of the last century: 1920's 1930's 1940's 1950's 1960's 1970's 1980's 1990's 
Here's an extended list of 1970's slangWikipedia gives a nice set of examples from the 2000's. Looking over these lists, it seems that those from the more distant times are less likely to be heard, much less used. Obviously, the slang of any decade is likely to be more plentiful than these. Obviously, some terms last longer than others, but that's why I'm writing on this topic.

However, some people continue to use slang from the era that they grew up in, plus that of their parents. This can result in their being embarrassed and possibly shamed by their outré language! Besides, a people is known by the quality of the language they use. This is why the French Academy is so fussy about French slang. [Mais non! Pas le drugstore!] Maybe this calls for the President to develop a cabinet-level position to screen, advise, and lower the boom on outdated slang. Otherwise, we might still have clueless people continuing to use expressions as "dollymop," "gag me with a spoon," "bitchin," and "chick." The head of this post can be easily referred to in the media as the "Slang Czar."

But who should be this Slang Czar? A President of a name-brand university, someone who aspires to be an ambassador, Joe Biden? Or maybe the guy that compiles the Banned Words List from Lake Superior State University. Any way, this wowser would make you peeps get with the program, or the Slang Czar will raise more do-do than King Kong with the runs!

Monday, May 25, 2015

Boston Pills

Madame Hébert was totally beyond herself. She was proud of her new white board fence, thinking it would complement her well-manicured garden and lawn; but some sign painter painted an advertisement on it. He didn't pin a handbill; no, he wrote in 6 inch tall green letters, one to a board, the sign 'B O S T O N   P I L L S.' Some less genteel but more direct people would say that she was pissed!

What was worse is that Boston Pills were a locally sold brand of laxative. 

She was so put out that she told the Prophetess Madeline and Crazy Chester about it. As members of the community, they offered to help.

Crazy Chester went, "Well, I can get a gallon of flat white paint and cover those letters. No problem; can do it in a jif!"

But Madeline had a different idea: just re-arrange the 1 X 6 boards. And all agreed on this unorthodox plan. So she and Chester took turns with a claw hammer and pried off the boards with the letters on them. First the 'P'; they put that where the 'B' had gone. They removed the second 'O' and substituted a blank board for it, and so on.

The end product: The fence read 'P O S T   N O   B I L L S.'  The green letters no longer advertised a laxative.  And as a bonus, no handbills!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Tacky Entertainments Like Bear Wrestling

The recent fights and shootings in Waco, Texas took place largely in an establishment entitled Twin Peaks, which seem to be named after the Grand Tetons not found in Wyoming and having nothing to do with David Lynch. It struck me that tackiness, while in the eyes of the beholder, does have its drawing power.

I have commented on Renaissance Faires which provide opportunities for cosplay for older adults, excuses to eat junk food, and hang around parks outlandishly dressed without being seen as creepy. Knights, mixed with fortune tellers, belly dancers, and wizard wannabees make the scene, and the local power structure looks on this benignly even though historians might see it as a mish-mash. 

But county and regional fairs in the fall provide some other opportunities: strip shows, the remnants of vaudeville, dog-and-pony shows (not the one on Capitol Hill in Washington), and even questionable entertainments like tobacco spitting and bear wrestling.

Yes, bear wrestling. This is when a member of the audience climbs into the ring and attempts to wrestle a bear!  Some viewers encourage one of their number to wrestle the black bear, a youngish one that might weigh in at 400 pounds and be muzzled, of course! Sometimes a lucky participant knocks the bear down but pinning one, never!

Apparently the times and mores have changed; and these forms of entertainment have fallen from favor, possibly due to more sensitivity regarding animal cruelty and the rise of certain other forms of tacky entertainment more in tune with today's modern tastes. Boxing has been eclipsed, thank goodness! And so is midget bowling. (No kidding: this had been done!)

So maybe the tastes and energies of yobs have been channeled into frequenting restaurants and sports bars staffed by well-endowed waitstaff, serving pedestrian beer, and providing mediocre food. Don't look for foodies and gourmets there, except if they're slumming.

Therefore, I think that this provides further proof for the Law of Conservation of Tackiness: "There is a constant amount of tackiness in the world. Tackiness cannot be either created or destroyed; but it can only occur in a different form."

This seems to be related to the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

Anyway, Louisiana law prohibits the wrestling of bears:

Louisiana Revised Statute Title 14 Section 102.10 states that:
A.  Any person who intentionally commits any of the following shall be guilty of bear wrestling:
(1)  Promotes, engages in, or is employed by anyone who conducts a bear wrestling match.
(2)  Receives money for the admission of another person to a place kept for bear wrestling matches.
(3)  Sells, purchases, possesses, or trains a bear for a bear wrestling match.
B.  For the purposes of this Section, a “bear wrestling match” means a match or contest between one or more persons and a bear for the purpose of fighting or engaging in a physical altercation.
C.  Whoever commits the crime of bear wrestling shall be fined not more than five hundred dollars or imprisoned for not more than six months, or both.*

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Beauty Pageant Blues

An article last year by Christopher Ingraham in the Washington Post looked into the history of the Miss America Pageant; specifically which states produced disproportionately a number of winners. After genuflecting to the usual liberal-feminist-Blue State standards by referring to the "retrograde and frankly creepy  gender politics of pageant culture," he noted that New York State won for three years in succession; and New York, Illinois, California, and Ohio produced more winners than the other 46. Furthermore, several states such as Alaska, Montana, Wyoming, the Dakotas, New Mexico, Washington, and Louisiana never had a pageant winner; and the only one to win from New England came from Connecticut.  He did observe that Mississippi and Alabama each produced an unexpected number of winners, despite being less populated states.

Why the unexpected number of winners from the Deepest South in the past? Ingraham attributed that to more pageant activity there. And also cited a 2013 article by Blain Roberts in the NY Times which dutifully managed to attribute the Deep South's affinity for beauty contest to its racial past, and old values that enshrined the stereotypical Southern Belle! It turned out that Roberts recently wrote a book with that particular thesis. 

But what is the truth of the manner? I wonder what William of Ockham would have concluded? His dictum Entia non sunt multiplicanda sine necessitate (one should not multiply entities beyond those necessity). In other words, Bill of Ockham said that when interpreting things, we should go with the simplest of explanations. Now I happen to think that Bill's Rule (to refer to it in 2015 standards of casualness) is a good one, not only for philosophy and science, but for writing snarky blog material as well. Is there a possibility that New York has a surfeit of beautiful women now, just like Mississippi did in the past? Or is that conjecture too outré for these p.c. times?

Anyway, in these modern times in which women are encouraged to adopt new social roles, it seems rather self-defeating to close off other categories. After all, some might become supermodels, without having been discovered on camera by a randy announcer trying to having something to say during an utterly boring National Championship game! Hum...she was a Miss Alabama!

Monday, May 18, 2015

Types of Kisses, According to Philosophy

Philosophers, in their unbridled speculation, have worked out a taxonony of kisses. Who says philosophy is not practical?

Aristotelian kiss
This is a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Cartesian kiss
This is a particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Derrida kiss
This is one in which you kiss everywhere, enacting a deconstruction of the binary lip/non-lip. 

Epimenidian kiss
This is a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Erdelatzian kiss
This is an unsatisfying kiss with one's sibling.

Freudian kiss
This is a kiss in which you are really trying to kiss your mother.

Hegelian kiss
This is a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Kantian kiss
This is a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Nietzscheian kiss
This is one in which whoever does not kiss you only makes you stronger.

Realism kiss
This is a kiss in which you notice that he used Axe, and he has wandering hands.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss
This is a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Socratic kiss
This is really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground. 

Steinian kiss
A kiss is a kiss is a kiss.

Subjective idealism kiss
This is a kiss that is best in the imagination.

Wittgensteinian kiss
The important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as sucience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefore. 

Zenoian kiss
This is a kiss in which your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Deflated Footballs and Other Expectations

In these times that seem to try men's souls, with politics, the economy, the state of morals or the lack thereof, and the world situation, it seems that the state of humor is very much like the solvency of Greece's economy or the art world of West Virginia. Nevertheless, the Goddess of the Double Entendre sometimes awakes from her sleep to induce healing mirth on a serious situation. This is what has transpired from the latest -gate, the New England Patriots football deflating scandal known as Deflategate! [God, I wish they would stop using that -gate suffix!]

Anyway, in addition to the expected grousing over the fact of the cheating and the debate over the severeness or lack thereof of the penalties, there has been some evidence that Princess Lum, serving in the role as the Goddess of the Double Entendre, has been working behind the scenes:

Anyway, Tom Brady has been suspended for four games in the 2015-2016 season, and the Patriots have been fined $1,000,000 by the NFL, plus losing a few draft picks. No, they weren't vacated as NFL Champs, they didn't wear sackcloth and ashes (L.L. Bean or Orvis doesn't carry ugly hoodies in those products), but the 2014-2015 season and the Super Bowl was tainted by this halitosis of scandal.

Oh well, as a Washington politician would say, "Better halitosis than no breath at all."

I can fearlessly predict that during the 2015 season and beyond people will have an obsession with how well footballs are inflated (especially when the Patriots are playing), deflation metaphors with spring up like chickweed (with low-scoring games and under-endowed cheerleaders, for example), and football fans can expect a steady stream of ball humor to grab their cojones. 

Blame it on Princess Lum:

Princess Lum, thinking of a double entendre.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The Mississippi Territory Seal

Recently Mike posted on his blog some humorous memes about the spelling of Mississippi.  It is a rather longish state name' but it can be useful in approximately timing seconds by counting, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, . . . . 

But the spelling of Mississippi once took a funny historical twist.

In 1798, when the Territory of Mississippi was established by Congress, the original area consisted of approximately the lower halves of today's Mississippi and Alabama, excluding the Gulf Coast, which was part of Spanish Florida.

This newly-formed territory needed a state seal, so they had one made in Philadelphia.  It looked like this:

Whoa!  The die-maker spelled this "Missisippi."  It was a pretty nice seal, other than that error.  Still, it continued to be used by the Territorial Governor through the inclusion of the northern parts of the two states (1804) and the coastal areas (1812).

However, when Congress granted the western half of Mississippi Territory statehood, it became known as the state of Mississippi and adopted a correctly spelled seal!

In 1948, the Postal Service issued a state to honor the 150th anniversary of the forming of Mississippi Territory.  On the stamp they generated some comments because they used the design of the original seal:

Pompous Ass Words

Let us consider pompous ass words, so beloved of editorial writers in some of the major newspapers and journals. These are those words which are more obscure than the simpler word for which it substitutes. The gentle reader is reminded, or made to believe, that the writer is more erudite than the reader and therefore should immediately be worthy of awe and automatic acquiescence to her or his point of view! It's kind of like the Ivy League equivalent to using a blackjack!

Anyway, this site introduces some of those words, and gives examples. But here's some right now: coruscating, scrofulous, pertinacious, contretemps, febrile, legerdemain, assiduous, mélange, nullipara, antipodal, vapid, and others. And there's more: also given are some examples from newspapers and magazines. This is, like hit lit!

Don't be an ass. Eschew obfuscation!

Monday, May 11, 2015

High School Students Making the News

It's that silly time of the school year for high schools and middle schools. However, recently two stories involving this age group made the news.

At several high schools in the South (and maybe in other places too), there is a long-standing tradition of senior pranks despite being discouraged by the school authorities. And it's understandable; whereas generations of old were content to write in chalk on sidewalks, put a flock of plastic flamingos on the school lawn, or perhaps paint "Seniors '75" on a water tower, latter day seniors sometimes go in for more serious acts of vandalism. Things can get out of hand sometimes.

This recently occurred at a high school in Tennessee somewhere near Chattanooga. During the senior prank approximately 100 young miscreants entered the school and performed assorted acts of vandalism including toilet paper-rolling the inside of the school, dumping garbage cans, smearing vegetable oil and ketchup on the wall, peeing on the floor, putting goldfish in the toilets, and leaving a dead possum behind. Some hid marbles under straw by the door, intending to cause teachers to take a header!

However, their secrecy was compromised: they were caught in the act on tape!

When school opened the next day, they kept the students in the gym while the teachers had to mop up the classroom and halls! (I got that And I guess one had to dispose of the corpus delecti! Now, in my opinion, that totally sucked!

Here's why: The teachers did nothing wrong; yet they were called on to do a disgusting task and, in effect, were punished for the bad kids' deeds! Ugh! To compound the insult, the kids got to wait in the gym while the teachers did something that they were not hired to do, and probably got a good laugh out of it! To compound the problem, a few teachers were injured due to the oil and water!

Anyway, the School Resource Officer was fired by the Sheriff, and the Principal was suspended without pay pending a probe of what happened. What in the world went on there? Anyway, the students who participated in the vandalism were banned from graduation, but had to pick up their diplomas on the day after graduation. 

I imagine there was a considerable pall over the school and community. There must be more to the story. Why was the Principal and the School Resource Officer also punished?

An additional commotion broke out as the result of a posed picture. Some high schoolers in Colorado went viral for a different reason: a pre-prom picture. Specifically, eight students at Chapparal High School in Colorado posed for a picture in which a Confederate flag and assault rifles were used as props. This brought the wrath of God or Progressives (or maybe both) on them! Now I wonder if the fuss, ado, and such was really worth it. 

Okay, it probably did not represent the best judgment; but the media response to it is like using a drone strike on a crawfish hill! Looking at the group's pose, it has all the hallmarks of a comic pose or even satire. Even the girls forming their hands into guns contributes to this.  At the bottom of this I sense an inside joke that outsiders missed.

Anyway, the group portrait would not thrill either the N.R.A. or the U.D.C. I can imagine this tableau appearing on a comedy skit ridiculing both groups; and high schoolers enjoy jerking adults' chains!

By the way, I think that the one on the right with the assault rifle had an outstanding prom dress! She has excellent taste in clothing, but maybe not in accessories!

Friday, May 8, 2015


The nine-banded armadillo is an interesting mammal, with an appearance looking very much tank-like if you can conceive of one approximately a foot and a half long. It mostly lives on grubs and insects such as beetles, ants, and termites. However, they dig up a lot of ground, and can be damaging to crops.

A unique feature of them is that the female armadillo usually gives birth to identical quadtruplets, a feature that can be useful in genetic research. There are only two mammalian species that carry Hansen's disease (leprosy): humans and armadillos. Approximately 20% of armadillos carry the bacillus for Hansen's disease, and it is a vector for Hansen's disease in humans. It is also a possible source of Chagas disease.

The armadillo's original range was South America; but with the opening of the land bridge between South and North America in the Cenozoic era, this expanded their range. Presently they are in the Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and the Southern states as far as the Atlantic Ocean. Potentially, they may migrate into North Carolina, Virginia, most of Pennsylvania, and even possibly coastal New York and Connecticut. Imagine armadillos in Central Park or on the White House lawn! That could disrupt the annual Easter egg roll.

On the other hand, don't look for armadillos to infiltrate the coffee houses of Seattle or run amok on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The outward appearance of armadillos is somewhat comical. It is surprising that there has not been an armadillo cartoon. I was able to find one children's story book about a multi-hued armadillo. Apparently he was leading a life as a hobo. Or maybe he was one of those armadillos destined to be pioneers in the Empire or Keystone states!

What about using an armadillo as a college mascot? Unfortunately, there is a surfeit of institutions who use iconic animals such as bears, lions, and tigers as mascots; and some with regional ones: catamounts, gators, wolverines. But none has adopted the armadillo, even though it could be seen as a fertility symbol. However, the official mascot for last year's FIFA World Cup Tournament was a grotesquely unrealistic armadillo named Fuleco! This mascot could in no way be seen as a inspiration for lovemaking!

These should be placed in the same category as racoons and possums: interesting to look at but not to touch.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Rest Room Signs

While the most common sex-specific designations of rest rooms are "Men" and "Women," and less often "Ladies" and "Gentlemen," sometimes other forms of specification may take place. Now this is complicated with the occasional persons who would specify another description, but that is something beyond the scope of my musings for now. Besides, by bringing up the topic of necessary rooms or 'bathrooms' or other attempts at euphemisms, I already skirting on the dangerous side of good manners.

However, some people elect to designate the sexes by the non-parallel binary: "Men" and "Ladies"; but that is risky. It supposes that the ladies would be comfortable in a setting where gentlemen are not present. Also, the nit-picker might argue that four restrooms should logically be required: "Ladies/Gentlemen/Men/Women."

And then there are the attempts to be cute when designating rest rooms:

1) "Kings" and "Queens."
2) "Pointers" and "Setters."
3) "Caballeros" and "Señoras"
4) "Boars" and "Sows"
5) "Sisters" and "Brothers" [With pictures of nuns and monks, respectively.]
6) "Cowboys" and "Cowgirls"
7) "Roosters" and "Hens."
8) "Rough Riders" and "Mounts" -- Which I find to be utterly disgusting.

And then there was the clueless barbecue joint that had restrooms for "Heifers" and "Steers."  Somebody must have given them a bum steer when it came to those signs, unless the clientele consisted of women and eunuchs!

It's safer to include foreign language words with pictures:

Or even to use only a small figure on the door to forestall embarrassing situations:

Monday, May 4, 2015

What Is the Most Inappropriate Place for a First Date?

The all-important first date! It's a social situation that requires a certain amount of finesse in which both parties should behave well and hopefully the setting would be comfortable and allow for both to become better acquainted. It's an occasion for testing the waters of a possible relationship, and should include opportunities for conversation. Yes, talk is important, guys and gals! A few how-to-do-it articles have been written about where to take her (or him) that you plan to date. There are the old standbys: dinner, coffee, or a movie. Unfortunately (or fortunately), choice of those settings reveals little about the self. There is a philosophy of first dating that view an imaginative choice of setting is a winning approach; one that guarantees that there will be a second date, followed by a third. However, some people have not really learned basic rudiments of socially appropriate behavior, and fail dismally!

Recently, had a thread in which people could contribute possible inappropriate settings. Some of those seemed very funny to me; but be warned that there's the same snarkiness from internet lurkers that have way too much time on their hands. In a serious vein, I propose that a list of where not to set the first date is good supplementary advice for where not to take her/him!

Accordingly, the Love Goddess Angélique offers this basic list of not so good settings for a first date:

1. A Whoopie Cushion factory.
2. A strip show.
3. Shooting rats at the city dump.
4. A wet t-shirt contest in which the person invited is expected to participate.
5. The morgue.
6. A biker bar.
7. A wrestling match.
8. To get your dog's anal glands expressed.
9. To an adult toy store.
10. To visit your mother in prison.
11. For breakfast at McDonald's.
12. To your group therapy session.
13. A double date with Nancy Grace.
14. A political rally.
15. A used car lot.
16. Crimea.
17. Jersey Shore.
18. Night court.
19. A Nickleback concert.
20. A cheerleading competition.
21. A master's oral exam.
22. A sperm bank..
23. A bus depot to play pinball there.
24. To see a Mariah Carey impersonator show.
25. A guided tour of Orleans Parish Prison.
26. Hooters.
27. A dance club, with loud music.
28. To accompany you when you buy some weed.
29. Detention.
30. Your family's Thanksgiving dinner.
31. To hang out at your house or apartment.
32. A cockfight.
33. To listen to Rush Limbaugh.
34. A wedding chapel in Vegas, even if Elvis performs the ceremony.

Okay, I gave a few bad ideas. Can you offer a few additional lousy ideas for a first date? Let your inhibitions run wild, as Rod Stewart sang in the song "Tonight's the Night (Gonna Be Alright).

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Running the Derby

Today is the 141st running of the Kentucky Derby, styled the best two minutes in sports. Here is another riff on a theme I raised earlier. And one of America's greatest authors, William Faulkner, described literately the spectacle that is the Kentucky Derby.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Posing for Horndog Magazine

When someone is a bored and cash-needy female grad student some temptations are very hard to resist. No, not a liasion with a Dean, but that's a good try. No, in this case Horndog magazine was doing a photoshoot on "The Girls of the Lower South Conference," and Madison considered that she looked great in a bikini body and flaunted it once in a Miss Bikini Contest in a Gulf Coast dive once. She rather enjoyed the experience, and the reinforcement of winning Second Place. Oh well, coming in Place is better than coming in Show or being in the rest of the field in a filly claiming race. [I should mention that Madison was also a fan of horse racing, being a carrier of a Kentucky driver's license.]

So Madison sent in a head shot through e-mail, and was invited to a photoshoot. This was way, way back in February, and Madison was one of the few aspiring models from Middle Georgia University who had not put on a few wintry pounds when the selection process was taking place. You know Georgia girls like their hush puppies! As a matter of fact, they even tried to get her to pose topfree, but she settled for a swimsuit pose! She wasn't that daring.

Anyway, soon enough (but not for Madison) the September issue of Horndog magazine came out and the boys of the Lower South Conference purchased their copies in droves. And some of them said, "OMFG, is that one of the teaching assistants of the Biology Department?" In fact, a few scattered male professors also bought copies, except for those in English. They were not about to purchase a magazine with a shocking use of slang manifested in its title!

Anyway, the Chair of the Biology Department was surprised to find that Madison's laboratory sections closed out early in registration for reasons that he could not comprehend. Furthermore, 90% of her students were male! "Oh well," the Chairman thought. "She is a pretty young ingenue and would be likely to attract the boys. Maybe I should make her my T.A. My lecture sections have been underenrolled and I need the boost to do well on my merit factor assessment."

However, he could not understand why a few spontaneous requests for Madison to teach the laboratory sections for Human Anatomy. Sometimes university administrators are out of touch with reality, but sometimes undergraduates just have no sense! He also could not understand when three universities offered her an assistant professorship. She was expected to get only an instructor's position, maybe.