Friday, May 29, 2015

Some Jokes

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied with this number, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

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It was near the end of the school year. The teacher turned in the grades and there was really nothing more to do. All the children were restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny got even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny was boiling mad that he has not been first to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turned her back Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around angrily: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"


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A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was taken into an examining room and waited for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby, and found him not gaining much weight and so he asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," ordered the doctor.

She took off her top and bra and sat on the examining  table. The doc started pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motioned to her to get dressed, then the doctor said: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responded: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"

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14 comments:

Duckbutt said...

Great jokes!

Linda Kay said...

Great stories for a chuckle on this Friday morning!

TexWisGirl said...

haha.

Mike said...

Nice! But now I have to make sure I don't have these waiting in my Saturday file. .... Or not.

Anemone said...

Great ones for a Friday morning.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

That's the best way to have no enemies!

Cherdo said...

"I'm his aunt..." definitely caught me unaware, ha ha ha.

Outlive 'em...great plan. Have a good weekend, girl1

Cherdo said...

That "1" should have been a "!"

allenwoodhaven said...

Thanks for the jokes; they're good ones!

Cloudia said...

Too bad you missed vaudeville, Angel!





( '>
/))
//""

ALOHA from Honolulu,
ComfortSpiral
=^..^=

Dixie@dcrelief said...

Door # 3 got my top vote. I think I'll volunteer to take my sister's baby in for his check up!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

The first one is brilliant :)

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thank you all for your sweet comments!

Bill said...

Thanks for the grins. :)