Saturday, July 30, 2011

Careers in Science

Unfortunately, careers in science in the United States is in the tank right now. If it weren't for smart international students coming over here, electing science, mathematics, or engineering and subsequently working here, we'd be in a real fix.

The problem is even more acute when we see how few women or African-Americans choose science careers. In my opinion, the problem is that science is portrayed too often as a boring, white male-oriented enterprise with dull, unfashionable people with bad haircuts doing the work. Even some of the glamor fields in science show this perceptual deficit. Just Google pictures under the rubric "mad scientist," and what do you get: a photo or cartoon some demented old male with poor sartorial skill and possibly halitosis (ugh!).

In my opinion, mad scientists are misrepresented; they really the ones on the cutting edge. If we want to increase our S.Q. (Science Quotient) nationally, then we need all the interested persons we can get. It is really in our best interests to provide suitable role models of mad or demented scientists that more young people can identify with. So, you active scientists: engaging in mentoring of young people, cast the potential scientist net wider, and clean up your act and start acting cool!

So next time in a scientific fiction movie, let the deranged person who says, "Fools, I'll fix them all" while brandishing test tubes or flasks be a hot girl wearing a sexily cut lab coat.  Go the full nine yards: maybe let her wear Daisy Dukes and a bikini top that will be revealed when she takes off the lab coat at the end of the day. 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Lum Forever!

Princess Lum is one of the more loveable Japanese mange characters, with superpowers, alarming culinary skills, and an undying love for the fickle amorist Ataru!  She usually wears a tigerskin bikini with matching boots, but can dress more conventionally too.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Is Being Described as "Hot" a Compliment?

Let me give you the background of this strange question.

Undeniably, the private language of guys is at times incomprehensible to those of the feminine gender; with nuances that escape us at times but which guys seem to be able to decode.

I remember a few years ago a FoxSports columnist describing the wife of a football coach as "hot," and I felt that, however the writer might have felt about the erring football coach, the good woman commited no offense other than to be young and attractive, and deserved more respect.  I wrote it off to the sportswriter being an ill-bred Yankee.  Anyway, so much for my lingering regional stereotypes that I'm sure are unfounded.

However, a week ago a Baptist pastor, one Jo Nelms gave a pre-race prayer in which he thanked the Lord for various automotive and NASCAR products, and for his "hot wife"!  I was astonished.  That was very un-Baptistlike behavior.  And I don't think that most preachers' wives fall into that particular thermal category.

But, questions immediately came to mind: 

1.  How did the Lord feel about the prayer?  Does the Lord drive a Ford or a Chevy?  Did he get his cut of the royalties from the product endorsements? 
2. How did Mrs. Nelms feel about the prayer?  Where did Brother Nelms sleep that night?
3.  Did he get any fallout from his congregation?

I asked my guy friend nicknamed Dee-Doh (that kind of nickname's a Cajun thing) about it:  "Dee-Doh, would you describe me as 'your hot girl friend'"?

Dee-Doh seemed uncomfortable with the question, and sidestepped an answer.  He has over time learned to recognize those trick questions that women seem to specialize in asking: questions that either answer can get a guy in trouble.

So, for the record, I would like to affirm:  I would not consider being described as hot to be a compliment.  That's not how to do irony.

Unless I was a stripper.  Or became reincarnated as someone proportioned like Kim Kardashian. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Pierre and Boudreaux at the Unemployment Office

Pierre and Boudreaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the Louisiana State Unemployment Office -- so that Pierre and Boudreaux could get some money from the State while out of a job.

So Pierre and Boudreaux went to the Louisiana State Unemployment office.

As Pierre waited, Boudreaux sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there.

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.

"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."

"You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.

Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question.

Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters."

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."

"Wait a minute!" Boudreaux shouted. "Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!"

"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Unlikely Present-Day Occupations for Historical Figures

We're pretty well stuck with the Newtronian scheme of time; namely that it goes in one direction only.  This is just as well; I might have (shall we say?) some work-related issues in being a 16th century serving wench instead of a graduate student. However, it might be fun to contemplete the fates of historical figures transported into the present and how they would cope with it.

Armand du Plessis, Cardinal Richelieu, would probably be a fine car salesman.  And his henchman, Father Joseph, would be the sales manager.  You can smell the sulfur in either scenario.

Cleopatra would make a fine White House intern.

Charlotte Corday could do a homemakers' program on television a la Martha Stewart.

Julius Caesar would, of course, be a salad chef.

William the Conqueror could do nicely as the Detroit Tigers' new coach.

For two good rasons Mata Hari would do nicely as a Hooters' waitperson.

Edgar Allan Poe could do as a columnist for the Times-Picyaune.
Baron Munchausen could be a reporter for the New York Times without improving his truthiness.

General John J. Pershing could be one of the Dell interns.

Henry VIII could be a Hollywood actor. He would be used to the pagentry and the turnover in spouses.

Because Emily Dickinson could not wait for Death, she could do nicely as a pop singer.

Savonarola would fit in quite well as a televangelist.

Thomas Jefferson would find his niche as a land developer in Arizona.

St. Augustine was predestined to be a Fox Network reporter.

Catherine the Great could be a U.S. Senator from Illinois.

Ivan the Terrible would perfect his terribleness as a Wall Street executive.

Lucretia Borgia would easily find her niche as a developer of "energy drinks."

Lord North would do far, far better than Dave Letterman as a late-night show host and manage to irritate the Colonials west of the Hudson less.

Sir Richard Burton could be the Insomniac guy.

Giovanni Casanova and Félix Faure could co-host a re-make of The Man Show.

Frederick the Great could be a dance instructor.

Napoléon Bonaparte could be an interior decorator.

Torquemanda could be lead singer for a 1980's revival hair band.

Jeanne Poussin, Madame Pompadour, would be a far better diva than Mariah Carey without flaunting her navel.

Davy Crockett could do the color commentary for NFL Monday Night Football.
Theodore Roosevelt, being unable to shoot the bear, could shoot the bull on Sixty Minutes each week.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Priorities of the Media

Amid the distractions of the budget crisis, the war in Libya, the Euro going in the toilet, the hacking scandal, and the continuing chaos that is the Middle East, the media somehow manages to zero on the true important matters.  Yeah, Dawlin' dey know!

Yes, we were treated to the spectacle of Anthony Weiner's weiner (draped in boxers, thank God!).  But fresh meat has emerged; even though the quarry is rather small, alas.  (I hope my metaphor does not make any guys reading this uncomfortable!)

Here's two little bitty ones:  Recently it came out that freshman Tennessee Representative Julia Hurley (R-Lenoir City), aged 29, carved her initials into her desk in the Tennessee State Assembly.  She claims not to remember what tool she used.

Rep. Hurley recently drew national attention in February for crediting her success in politics and business to the time she spent working at Hooters restaurants in the company's magazine.  As she put it, "If I could make it at Hooters, I could make it anywhere." 

Okay, cutting one's initials is not the best example of mature, adult behavior; but we all screw up sometimes.  But why was it necessary to mention that she had been a Hooters girl?  And, unfortunately, the Knoxnews did not show her in Hooters costume.

The other tidbit involves French First Lady Carla Bruni, who apparently appeared on a television program Eurotrash in which she described a language phrase book with useful linguistic skills.  Apparently, the reader could find out how to say "put your finger in my bottom" and "do you like my titties" in seven different languages.  And she sounded so charming, I am envious!  Nevertheless, the French government got You Tube to pull it.

These are useful.  In fact, I know how to say those things only in French and English.  I don't know if the need to say them in Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, Dutch, German, or Czech would ever arise.  Hopefully, not.  But the second one is definitely an ice-breaker.

Why there was a need to suppress the old videos, I have no idea. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

An Interview With Three Allegorical Figures

Location: In the Studio of the Midday Show

Kathy, the Hostess: "Good morning, Folks! We have as our guests this morning three allegorical figures who are protesting governmental policies regarding representations by allegorical figures. This promises to be an interesting segment of the Midday Show. So, let's welcome Clarissa, Bunny, and Euphemia this morning!

"Good morning, Clarissa, Euphemia (is it?) and (skeptically) Bunny? It's good to have you on the Midday Show. Now can you tell the audience, please, just what is the nature of your complaint?

Clarissa: "I'm glad you asked, Kathy. We're protesting against the blatant bias that American society has shown in favoring certain allegorical figures over others. This is in violation of the Fourteenth Amendment and a great disappointment to many unsung allegorical figures out there. You must admit that certain figures are often represented: Liberty, The Spirit of Justice, Peace, and even The Spirit of Truth. And it is true, they inspire many people, as formidable sculptures of women with undeniable assets portraying noble ideas should.

All we're asking for is for Congress and the various state legislatures to expand the scope of allegorical representation in statues, coins, and paintings.

Kathy: "And Clarissa, of what are you an allegorical figure?"

Clarissa: "I'm glad you asked, Kathy. I'm Clarissa, the allegorical figure of Free Downtown Parking." Clarissa is dressed in a business power suit, and wears running shoes while carrying her pumps.

Kathy (turning to the second figure who was bare-footed, dressed in a multi-colored muu-muu, and wearing a conical hat): "Okay, now let's turn to Euphemia. Euphemia, of what do you serve as the allegorical figure?"

Euphemia: "Ma'am, I represent Free-Spiritedness and Uninhibitedness. I symbolically preside over the Mobile Mardi Gras and stand for all of those possibilities not realized in a Bible Belt environment and which clamor for freedom."

Kathy (sniffing): "Yes, we have seen some footage of the misconduct that your followers enjoy. But, let me ask you this: If the government was to represent you in statuary, how would you wish to be depicted?"

Euphemia: "Well, maybe in some new threads, with really, really cool shoes and a bunch of balloons. Whatever."

Kathy: "Oh-kay . . . . Now Bunny, what do you represent? I really hesitate to ask as I'm not sure that I want to know." (Bunny is wearing worn Daisy Dukes, a tiny top, and platform shoes. She has a pin in her navel, and carries a tennis racket.

Bunny: "I am the Allegory of Enhanced Cleavage. I provide inspiration to many, especially young males. I serve as an unrecognized role model to many young women, and inspire memory in older men."

Kathy: "Excuse me for observing, but aren't you ladies, er, underreaching as allegorical figures?" (Skeptical look)

Clarissa: "Not at all. Allegorical figures are the products of their times. They reflect the higher aspirations of the civilizations from which they spring. And we are uncontestably the product of the post-modern media-saturated era of the Oughts."

Kathy: "So, in a nutshell, are you proposing that we replace "Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity" with "Free Downtown Parking, Free-Spiritedness, and Enhanced Cleavage"? (Sour expression)

Bunny: "Yes, Ma'am. That's about it." (Guileless smile)

Kathy: "Now let's turn to Al for the Weather. I need a martini during the break."

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Evolution of Panties

In my opinion, #5 from the left is the most practical.
  And comfortable.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Lucky Dog Guy Works the East Coast

Unfortunately, the Lucky Dog Guy had to leave New Orleans because of runing afoul of some minor league muscle.  Having learned some prudence because of his philosophy background, he left temporarily for what he thought were safer parts.  However, the mores of the new places were quite opaque to him.  This necessitated a steep learning curve. 

And, oh my gosh, he wound up in New Jersey!  Or should I say Noo Joisey?  Anyway, he searched in vain for sales opportunities in the mobile weiner business, but hot dog carts were heavily unionized and in that bed of infidelity and bad manners: New York City. 

Still, for the Heart of Darkness, New Joisey was not bad.  The Italian food was good, as long as one doesn't question too closely its origins.  There was, however, a lot of things to learn.

Upon approaching a ravened big-haired miss, the Lucky Dog Guy started with the con line:  "Missy, I bet I know where you got your shoes!"

"What you tryin' to do, you big toid?," she demurely replied.

She scolded him for his lack of body art and has absence of a tan, but soon realized that he was a foreigner.  This categorized him: she directed him to the nearest Home Depot, where casual laborers find part-time jobs not in the visible economy just by lurking out in front.

Unfortunately, this was not work that our Lucky Dog Guy was philosophically equipped to do.  New Jerseyites were in thrall to the hot dog barbarities that seemed to emerge like primal ooze from the self-aggrandized Big Apple, but at least Coney Island was merely a place, not the name source for what passes locally for righteous hot dogs!  [It is Detroit, a place more in Stygian darkness than New Jersey that calls sausages on buns "coneys"!]

Anyway, Our Hero finally found his niche: selling cannolis on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City.  The Big Rollers were his best customers, followed by Guidettes.  Life can still be good, y'know.  Be sure to try the ricotta, sweetened whipped cream, pecan, and chocolate shavings ones!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Real Dicks and Baptist Bras

Last week Mark Halperin, MSNBC senior political analyst and Editor-at-Large for Time magazine called President Obama “a dick” on a popular morning show and then quickly apologized.

“I thought he was a kind of a dick yesterday,” Halperin said on “Morning Joe,” referring to the president’s conduct during his press conference.

Now the lésé majesté aside, let's see who acted like a real dick.

President Obama? Now that's strictly a partisan judgment; although to call someone a dick is taken as being offensive. I don't know how the term came about, but I would suspect that, as a Democrat of note, he would not aspire to be compared to Dick Nixon.

Mark Halperin? Maybe. But simply from naively expecting that his hypercandor and crude language would not be aired. Does Mr. Halperin also believe in the Easter Bunny?

The host of 'Morning Joe', Joe Scarborough? Yes, because he told Halperin that his remarks would be off the record, but they weren't. There was some mendacity going on here.  Joe, you need to keep your promises!

The White House and the American news media? You betcha. They acted like a bunch of prissy little Catholic schoolgirls willing to tell on a misbehaving classmate. And they went into a feeding frenzy mode pronto. And neither MSNBC nor Time magazine passed up the opportunity to appear pious.

We're currently in a National Baptist Bra Mode: making mountains out of molehills.

Or, we're still in the dick joke phase that the woeful saga of Anthony Weiner got us on to. And everyone makes sure he can get his licks in about it.

Can I say it: they're getting it off by acting in concert like pious dicks.

But why is it so bad to be a dick? And why is the word 'dick' a synonym for penis? In reviewing the census of all the named players in this story, the number of penis possessors is approximately 100%. And I guess that each of them enjoys his own; and would be sad without it.  I know a lot of guys.  Presumably they are in possession of penises, but I did collect data to verify this.

 So why doesn't 'He acted like a dick yesterday' get accompanied with 'and deserves the fifth slot on Mt. Rushmore?'  Or why doesn't acting like a dick warrant a high-five, or a joyous drenching of champagne in the locker room?

In short, why is there this diffidence with regard to penises?

And why pick on poor Dicks?  The Richard variety, I mean.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Solar Bikini

The Solar Bikini comes with USB connections so that you can charge your iPod or digital camera.  Isn't technology wonderful?

Actually, the concept of the Solar Bikini might serve as an impetus for further minimumization of solar cell technology.  Can there be a Solar Thong in the future?

On the other hand, a Solar Bikini with more surface area may generate more cell charging capacity.  Kim Kardashian might be a prominent figure that could serve as a spokesperson for that model.