Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Unlikely Present-Day Occupations for Historical Figures

We're pretty well stuck with the Newtronian scheme of time; namely that it goes in one direction only.  This is just as well; I might have (shall we say?) some work-related issues in being a 16th century serving wench instead of a graduate student. However, it might be fun to contemplete the fates of historical figures transported into the present and how they would cope with it.

Armand du Plessis, Cardinal Richelieu, would probably be a fine car salesman.  And his henchman, Father Joseph, would be the sales manager.  You can smell the sulfur in either scenario.

Cleopatra would make a fine White House intern.

Charlotte Corday could do a homemakers' program on television a la Martha Stewart.

Julius Caesar would, of course, be a salad chef.

William the Conqueror could do nicely as the Detroit Tigers' new coach.

For two good rasons Mata Hari would do nicely as a Hooters' waitperson.

Edgar Allan Poe could do as a columnist for the Times-Picyaune.
Baron Munchausen could be a reporter for the New York Times without improving his truthiness.

General John J. Pershing could be one of the Dell interns.

Henry VIII could be a Hollywood actor. He would be used to the pagentry and the turnover in spouses.

Because Emily Dickinson could not wait for Death, she could do nicely as a pop singer.

Savonarola would fit in quite well as a televangelist.

Thomas Jefferson would find his niche as a land developer in Arizona.

St. Augustine was predestined to be a Fox Network reporter.

Catherine the Great could be a U.S. Senator from Illinois.

Ivan the Terrible would perfect his terribleness as a Wall Street executive.

Lucretia Borgia would easily find her niche as a developer of "energy drinks."

Lord North would do far, far better than Dave Letterman as a late-night show host and manage to irritate the Colonials west of the Hudson less.

Sir Richard Burton could be the Insomniac guy.

Giovanni Casanova and Félix Faure could co-host a re-make of The Man Show.

Frederick the Great could be a dance instructor.

Napoléon Bonaparte could be an interior decorator.

Torquemanda could be lead singer for a 1980's revival hair band.

Jeanne Poussin, Madame Pompadour, would be a far better diva than Mariah Carey without flaunting her navel.

Davy Crockett could do the color commentary for NFL Monday Night Football.
Theodore Roosevelt, being unable to shoot the bear, could shoot the bull on Sixty Minutes each week.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Four stars