Another session of EN 455, Victorian Poetry:
Mike Brown (a member of the football team): Uh, it's about this chick named Pippa; and she's got a very gifted arm. She's a triple threat, as she can execute the option three ways, and passes accurately for 50 yards!. Because of that, she's the first girl to make the varsity, and may eventually be a pro prospect.
Belinda Cortez (a pre-med major): You would make a lewd interpretation on that poem. Actually, it's a poem about the success of her eliminative processes.
Mike Brown: That's a very alimentary conclusion.
Dr. Smathers: Now, Ms. Cortez, I think that you might have missed the optimistic message: God's in His heaven/All's right with the world! How does that fit in?
Belinda Cortez: She had a successful movement; and she has afterwards that satisfied feeling. My boyfriend and my dog both always feel better when they have successfully pottied.
Mike Brown: No, she completed a pass for a touchdown!
Tom Wilson: Touchdown is the clown in As You Like It.
Dr. Smathers: No, the poem is about a young, silk-winding girl who wanders innocently through the region of Asolo, kindness and virtue to the people she passes. As she sings her song she influences others to act for the good — or, at the least, reminds them of the existence of a moral order.
Dewayne Fontenot: Asshole-oh?
Clarissa Tyler: She was also known for her ass.
Dr. Smathers: I don't recall any beast of burden mentioned in Robert Browning's poem.
Kate Thomas: No, silly. Pippa's the sister of the model who married Prince William! She has a Kardashian bum.
Dr. Smathers: Kardashian bum? Would you please clarify for the class that term you used . . . . I don't think you were referring to a vagrant?
Kate Thomas: You know, Kim Kardashian. She has a lot of junk in her trunk.
Later on, Dr. Smathers went into the English Department office.
The Secretary: Smathers, how did it go?
Dr. Smathers: Oh, they talked, for a change. But I got more than I bargained for. I'm not au courant on modern slang. Somehow the class wound up talking about debris in the boot of a Ms. Kardashian's auto.
The Secretary: Never end a sentence with a preposition. One day you will learn to understand us Americans.