Monday, May 30, 2016

Golden Oldie Music

The realm of golden oldie music does not always have the streets paved with gold; some lanes are unimproved dirt roads on which unaware dirtbag D.J.s nevertheless travel. The station I occasionally listen to, WMTY-FM out of Sweetwater (TN), has a few which really rock, and numerous ones which could be removed by Ko-ko, the Lord Chief Executioner, and they never shall be missed.  

Okay, here's a few that can be listened to with pleasure: "For What It's Worth," "Honky Tonk Women," "Barbara Ann," "Third Rate Romance" and the great ones from the turn of the millennium: "Please Remember Me," "Kiss Me," ""Baby One More Time," and so on. Those in the latter category do not make the era WMTY covers.

But maybe there should be a statute of limitations on some music. Let's face it: the 1950's stuff has a lot with inane lyrics and backup singers making strange sounds, like shadoop, shadoop. and so forth. And name the goddamn horse (from the 1970's)! And stop complaining about American women. Those refer to songs whose lyrics immediately prompt me to change the station!

There's a noticeable cut-off at around 1975. Why leave out ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, and so forth? Why is the hippie stuff enshrined but not 1970's pop or disco?

However, in all fairness, music does get entwined with personal, often happy or bittersweet memories and that results in the personal appeal that some songs have, and why people listen to golden oldie music. And some of it does wear well, even after 50 years.

The problem is that old stuff becomes too easily canonized by virtue of being old. Are there any oldie songs that you think should be sent to oldie limbo? Tell it all, podners! Cleanse the soul and musical palate.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Selecting a Boyfriend: A Teen's Guide

Being a teenaged girl can often result in one clashing against the status system, and its various ramifications. Yes, it can be a jungle out there, despite the best efforts of nice parents and the somewhat benign school systems. Yes, as the movies Mean Girls and Bring It On depicts, there are winners and losers; and while some lucky girls in this derby get to wear a collar of roses and brandish a gold cup in the winner's circle, there are numerous others out of the money.

Despite the wishes of most feminists, having a status boyfriend is part of the equation. Now this status is operationally defined in terms of him being really movie star handsome, having money, being a great athlete, and having charm and coolness comes into this multifaceted trait. Ideally, the Platonic ideal would be a heartthrob boyfriend who is also wealthy, has real style, and is the quarterback for the football team.

Faced with this teen-perceived fact of life, some may opt out and look for other rewards; maybe by being nonconformists, skater gurls, latter-day beats, or schoolyard religious. For many of them, they might be unattached; or go in for guys with different but less conventional selling points.

So, for those who choose not to play with the conventional rules, here are a few types  of guys to consider. 

1. The Band Nerd - Members of the high school band usually are fun, have musical tastes beyond what the band plays in concerts and at games, and are not whipped out tired after high school games so you and he can do something afterwards with him until the curfew hour.

2.  Member of the Track Team - While some football players run track in the Spring, most are participants in track only. Since few people see track as a status sport, there's not as much competition. Track guys are accessible; but often tired from practice.

3.  The Bad Boy - The subject of several 1960's classic oldie songs (Leader of the Pack, etc.), some may be strategically housebroken. A bonus: Some reflected glory adheres to you, especially if you're seen as taming him. A disadvantage is that they think so strongly in terms of sex.

4.  The Student Government Type - They are typically ambitious, with adulthood future goals in mind. Are you sure you want to pair off with someone who has a design to be a lawyer or a member of the legislature someday?

5.  The Sk8r Bio (Skater Boy) - He is feasible of you want to be a sk8r gurl. He is daring, a nonconformist, athletic in his odd way, and a member of a sort of cult. A disadvantage is that many tend not to spend much time with you. (For some, that might be seen as an advantage.) A disadvantage is that Sk8r bois are inclined to have gross tattoos.

6.  The Very Religious Guy - These belong to a mixed category. Some might be seen as nonconformists; especially if they differentiate themselves in dress. Some might provoke the school authorities, whether by leading an overt group prayer around the flagpole or injecting religion into a valedictory speech.  If he is Catholic, there may be an outside chance that he might be thinking of the priesthood in his future.

7.  Chess Nerd - Highly intelligent and focused. The disadvantage is that the only move he will make on you is Pawn - King Four.

8.  Drama Club Member - He's highly ambitious, with designs on moving to The Big Apple someday  and making it there. He's high maintenance, as he likes having an audience. And you're it!

9.  The Geek - If you can get past the unusual interests, they can be a lot of fun. Be a gamer girl!

10.  The Frat - Has status and ostentatious style. Has lots of guy friends that might encourage him into excesses. Be careful: you might become another mark on his scorecard and get the reputation to go with it.

11.  Any Guy Not Easily Categorized - The two of you are seen as not playing in the status game, and therefore both of you are seen as more mature.

Now you know. Each have his strengths and weaknesses. Choose wisely, mes amis!

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Making Our Politicians More Palatable

At long last; after many months of making the least trusted designation on the Gallup Poll, the elected Representatives and Senators started getting their heads together to win hearts and minds of the Electorate again. But in Washington fashion, they hire out a public relations firm to advise them on which path to pursue. And in really true Washington style, they give it to several companies as part of a network of political favors.

Using this approach, how did these hired flacks propose to put some lipstick on a pig? And toenail polish as well? When Congress goes whole hog, it does it Cadillac style!

Well, one company suggested that they do a Congress Swimsuit Issue. Now this idea worked both for Sports Illustrated and for various organizations; why not depict their nations' lawmakers in very human, relaxed poses?  As a matter of fact, nearly 400 of our reprehensives offered to pose. 

But the photographers found this task to be intolerable, even when the Congresspersons posed seductively. Especially then. They remarked that The Annual Roadkill Swimsuit Issue would draw more of an audience.

Another company proposed "Dancing with the Politicians." But the Republicans and Democrats could dance only around issues only; except Ted Cruz, who would not dance with anyone. And then someone proposed Donald Trump dancing the tango with Nancy Pelosi to puncture that bubble.

The old-style politico trick of kissing babies might have worked in a more innocent time; but nowadays this could be twisted into a rumor of pedophile tendencies. Likewise, they must refrain from kissing blonde homecoming queens! Poll makers have not thus far discerned whether it's okay to kiss gothic lolitas; but it might help with the millennial vote. (Think Abby on NCIS.)

But somehow our vaunted election primary process has managed to come up with two presumptive candidates who both have more than half of the people distrust them. Will this result in a Clinton win by default; or the ascendancy of a new, third party? And that's only the "very unfavorable" ratings, folks!  

Some possible candidates develop a strategy of running as an outsider from Washington; but that doesn't play too well when the same candidate runs for reelection. The temptation of recycling candidates does have an intuitive appeal. Let them run for a different office.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Legislation to Ban Video Games

Rep. Dewaynus Holm (R - Bogalusa) was known in the Louisiana House as being a bit of a lazy and retrograde thinker; however one time he manfully jumped into the breech and came to the aid of lonely teen girls. Kind of like a blind hog finding an acorn in the forest.

It started when he overheard his daughter Mitzi and her friends lamented their lack of dates on Friday night; and he was an old-fashioned father, yessiree!

He further eavesdropped, and thought that he got to the root of the problem. They boys spent all their time playing video games on their X-Boxes, and not courting* teen girls like they should. And presto! We have the emergence of a falling birth rate which would result in fewer grandchildren to grace parents' old age!

Zounds! And holy cow! (Dewaynus had a rich vocabulary from having read a lot of pre-Victorian literature.)

So being a selective governmental interventionist, he decided to get to the root of the problem in a manner typical of a legislator. Yes, he would sponsor a bill to ban devices that play video games. It was a long time since he had played Frogger!

So he wrote a bill, and after politicking behind the scenes, he put it before the Louisiana House.

"Fellow members of the House, I offer this bill to ban video games as a means to redress a possible threat to the well-being of our daughters and the good of the state.  Fewer girls are being courted After all, if teenaged girls are unhappy, their grades suffer, they spend a lot of time moping, and some might turn to non-Biblical sex to fill in the gap! I ask for your support for H-29."

Rep. Horace Watson (D - Bunkie) countered with a comment, "I am surprised that my esteemed colleague from Bogalusa would move to curtail a harmless pastime and thus circumscribe personal liberty. Where is your Libertarianism now? And in the process increase the possibility of teens engaging in s- * - x outside of lawful marriage."

Rep. Henri Arnaud (R - Thibodaux) raised a possible problem: would banning X - Boxes stimulate bootlegging from nearby Texas and Mississippi? Nothing pisses the Louisiana legislature more than outsiders contributing to crime that they can't get kickbacks from.

But Rep. Sylvia Avery (R - Bossier City) commented, "In my opinion, a bigger problem comes from football and basketball. Boys get so involved with practicing for those sports that they're too tired to do schoolwork or to date. We should consider limiting high school football!"

A shiver of horror, like a blast of arctic air, went through the Louisiana House like Marley's ghost had paid a visit.

"We can't do that! Think of the trickle-down effect on L.S.U. football!"

"That would make Baton Rouge even duller than it is now!"

Clearly, the legislators were in session too long. This in-House debate made the news on major state news channels like WBRZ-TV and WWL-TV. And WDSU-TV made a special editorial asking for help with the problem by requiring teen boys to date at least one girl a month. LGBT people objected. 

Anyway, raising the specter of cutting back on football did result in a watered-down version of the bill that made playing video games legal only from Sunday to Thursday. Even the Louisiana House knows how to compromise. 

*Dewaynus Holm was rather retro in his vocabulary.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

"Bob Wills Is Still the King" BOTB Results

At last! All of the votes from the outlying precincts are in, and America awaits the final tally. Who won this version of Battle of the Bands? Was it the artist who performed the original, Waylon Jennings; or was it those upstarts from England, The Rolling Stones?

The envelope, please......

The final tally has it with:

The Rolling Stones, with 14 votes,

Waylon Jennings, with 9 votes,  

and a special write-in vote for Merle Haggard.

Take a bow, Sir Mick!

And be a dear and check out other BOTB results:

Friday, May 20, 2016

"Seig Heil" Dog

A little item appeared in Metro, a British "news" source, recently which related that a man was arrested for 'causing offence' for having taught his girlfriend's pug dog Buddha to give a Nazi salute when commanded "Seig heil." This was posted on You Tube, and got over a million views. Admittedly, the guy doing it was a douche move; but is that really something to arrest him for? 

I think a better case could be made for his gross tats and piercings 'causing offence'; but I'm not English. Indeed, I wonder how rarified is the social environment there so that that sort of thing causes offense? Are there other traps an unsuspected tourist or local might fall into? It's not like teaching him to pee on the sofa.

Anyway, it was a pretty lame way to annoy his girlfriend.Here's Donald Duck, also seig heiling all over the place:

Are some people possibly getting a wee bit too thin-skinned nowadays; or is this just another opportunity for some people to wax indignant! 

Over there in Merrie England, would I cause offence for spelling it offense?

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Vacation Breasts

As bizarre as the idea might seem, Dr, Norman Rowe, a plastic surgeon, is proposing the idea of "vacation breasts" for women who might want temporarily to upgrade their profile. Specifically, these are temporary breast enlargements that result from saline injections in the bosoms that are projected to last about two weeks or so before the saline solution is absorbed away. The procedure at the present time doesn't last that long; but the doctor claims that tweaking the procedure will result in positive results for the full two weeks.

The cost? About $2500 per time; and the procedure takes only about 20 minutes to complete. For most of us, this is a vacation luxury that we cannot afford. After all, why not adopt permanent ones for $6000? (I may buy a new swimsuit and sun blocker to prepare for summer; but that's about it with my limited budget.)

Anyway, the absorption process does begin eventually; and there's no guarantee that absorption will occur with both at the same rate. Imagine having unbalanced boobs!

But while vacation breasts might be an expensive self-indulgence for some ladies, perhaps job interview breasts might be a strategically financial strategy! However, if you're wearing a power suit to an interview, strategically employing bra inserts would work just as well with a fraction of the costs!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

"Bob Wills Is Still the King" - BOTB

For this Battle of the Bands I'd like to use a tribute song: "Bob Wills Is Still the King." Bob Wills, active during the 1940's and 1950's, developed a music style called Western Swing, combining country with jazz renditions. He did represent a departure from the music of his time.

Anyway, Waylon Jennings did the original version of "Bob Wills Is Still the King" back in 1975. Jennings was part of the Outlaw Country music style, along with Willie Nelson, Jessi Colter, Tompall Glaser, and others. Here's the Jennings rendition:

Who would dare to cover this almost legendary song? None other than those singing grandfathers, the Rolling Stones, during a musical tour that appeared in Austin:

There you have it. If you're in the mood, listen to both and vote which one better rings your chimes:

Waylon Jennings ________

The Rolling Stones ________

And over the next few days, visit and vote on other BOTB participants. You will hear some great songs! You betcha!


My apologies if I left anyone out!

Friday, May 13, 2016

Politely Naming Sports Teams

One of the hot-button political correctness issues nowadays is whether certain sports teams have socially or ethnically team names. Thus, the Cleveland Indians and the Washington Redskins have generated a lot of ire; less so the Kansas City Chiefs. And there's inconsistency: the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, the University of Louisiana - Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns, and the Maryville College Fighting Scots evoke nary a quibble. Maybe Hibernians and Acadians have thicker skin?

For the record, there was once an Atlanta professional baseball team called the Atlanta Crackers. And the old Negro League had a team called the Atlanta Black Crackers. Presumably, neither had to do with Saltines.

Anyway, the focus has largely on professional and university sports; though the Pekin (Ill.) High School Chinks have been criticized, rightly so. But the most wild and wooly sports teams names are found in ladies' amateur softball team names.

For your edification, here are a few of them:

The Pussy Cat Dolls
Ball Busters
Salsa Girls
Farmers' Daughters
Mall Rats
Dead Bunnies
Ponytail Express
Whale Tails
Underwear with Special Powers
The Spandex Squad
The Other White Meat 
Runs Not Buns
Leather and Lace
Here for Beer
Fast Girls
7th Inning Kegels
Honeymoon's Over
Hit Squad
Mean Girls
Nasty Girls
Saddle Soars
The Overeasies
The Tight Ends
Beer Nuts
Beer Goggles

Very clearly, having two X chromosomes is no impediment to having a sports sense of humor!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Well-Developed Fronts From the East

Apparently, a handsome weatherperson got into an unexpected adventure while down in Miami.  While in a bar, he claimed that he was approached by two ladies that looked like girls from next door, partied with them, and eventually spent the next few days drugged.

His American Express card was charged to the tune of $43,000 dollars.

However, he was instrumental in helping the FBI by giving testimony that broke up a Bar Girls scam that netted 17 arrests. 

Here's a cartoonist's take on the escapade:

I think you can guess.

They apparently slipped him some drug.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Nicknaming the Administrators

Doctor Dawson Winters was a Vice-President for Student Affairs at Western New York State University, a progressive university in the Empire State. In recent times, students at the University appeared restive; and he wanted to head off any possible friction or disorder on campus by minimizing the various since divisive elements. Unfortunately, since campuses were as heterogeneous as the larger society that they draw students from, this was not an easy task. 

Still, thank God there was no large numbers of protest songs played on the contemporary FM station; those from the 1970's were largely buried on the golden oldie station that played a lot of bubblegum music also.

But Dawson, bless his heart, fancied himself to be a proactive guy; despite being in his 50's, he saw himself as hip and cool and with it to the core! Now it was incumbent of him to persuade the students that he was to better relate to him. He conferred with his assistant, Dean of Students Chauncey Harfield, on how this should be accomplished. Actually, he more or less told poor Harfield what to do, and Harfield slavishly took notes and tried to accomplish this great Meeting of the Minds with the typical undergraduates of New York.

One idea they had was to host a Meet the Veep session; but only SGA types showed up and in small numbers.

Then Dean Harfield proposed that they advertise the next one as a pizza and cold soda session with the Veep; and had the cheerleaders serve as hostesses! Now attendance was better; it was just a matter of finding the right motivation. Damn, as a sociologist specializing in Community Organization, he should have realized that.

While the students were interacting with them and mostly eating pizza and swilling soda (as they call it in upstate NY), they held a free-wheeling rap session. Yes, they referred to it that way.

("Oh," VP Dawson thought, "This is going to work. Now let's see what kind of rapport we can make to better deal with student body problems.")

A student complained that the food service in the Student Union offered very bland choices. VP Dawson saw this as a concrete entry into the realm of student problems. If he could just earn good will by taking action promptly.

"Mister....your name, please? What sort of specific changes would you wish to see?"

"Hey Veep, my name's Bart. How about some tacos and Taylor ham as choices?"

"Okay, sounds good. Any other ideas? And please give your name so I can properly address you."

"My name is Tyler; and I think that we're too formal around WNYSU. We get addressed as 'Mister' or 'Miz' by profs; and we call them 'Doctor' or 'Professor.' Us Millennials are more informal than that. We need to get with the times around here.

"Okay, Tyler. That sounds good. Why don't you call me Dawson from now on. And everyone else is invited to call me Dawson. And you can also call the Dean 'Chauncey,' if you'd like."

Another student, definitely in the spirit of things, asked, "Why not give ole Chauncey the nickname 'Izzle?' 'Cause he is definitely the man!" 

The Veep was, 'My God! Somehow Chauncey made a larger hit with them than I did. Did I come on too strong, somehow?"

But then the student added, "And you can have the nickname 'Pizzle,' because you're definitely the one!" The other students applauded wildly!

So Vice-President Winters acquired the nickname Pizzle. He thought, "Won't my colleagues be envious of my newly-acquired rapport with students as signaled by my being granted a nickname through acclamation!"

Friday, May 6, 2016

Research on Breast Size Preferences

It is well-known that men (and teen boys) have this fascination with female breasts, as can be seen with the popularity of Playboy-type magazines, breastaurants, and television programs. Undeniably, this is a factor in mate selection; but it's no simple equation: larger = better! Fortunately, psychologists in institutions with research funds to burn and permissive human subjects committees have attempted to discern some major truths in this matter. 

There are practical considerations to go with this interest: (1) the average bra size of an adult woman has dramatically increased from 34B to 34DD in the past 20 years or so; (2) more than 250,000 women per year receive breast augmentation procedures. Clearly, there is a significant trend going on.

So what do we know about men who prefer them large, as opposed to those who have more modest preferences? Lots of things:

(1) Hungry men prefer larger breasts, according to Malaysian researchers Swami and Tovée. This may relate to food supply insecurity. They are most strongly fixated on bigger hooters before meals, and less so later. (This could be exploited by television programming.)

(2) Sexist men prefer larger breasted women. This translates into traits as preferring traditional femininity, hostility towards women, and benevolent sexism. We can infer, therefore, that less well-endowed women might draw fewer jerks!

(3) Men who more strongly want to become fathers prefer larger breasts on women; men who are not as inclined prefer smaller breasts on their ladies.

(4) Financially more secure men tend to prefer smaller breasts on women, while those less secure tend to prefer them bigger. Is this a form of compensation?

Interestingly, a woman's breast size had no effect on the amount of time males' eyes tracked her chest. In other words: whether you're large or small, the eyes of Texas are upon (your boobs)! 

Ladies, the fact that you have breasts that might be stared at by guys might confer certain health benefits to them. Therefore, you might consider yourself a gratis health care provider!

Here is another health care provider taking advantage of this technique of alternative medicine:

Finally, research on breast implant size chosen for augmentation surgery indicated that size chosen was affected by current breast volume, goals, body habits, and possible breast sagging. In the warmer states like Texas, Florida, and California, average implant size ranges from 300 cc. to 425 cc. In the Midwest and Northeast, breast implant size ranges from 250 cc. to 350 cc. In Europe and Asia, the average breast implant size ranges from 200 cc. to 300 cc.

In the United States, most women who choose breast augmentation surgery aspire to C-cup breasts.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Cowgirl Melinda Muses on Politics, 2016 Style

Sometimes on the prairie a gal gets time to think away from the blare of media coverage of election politics up to one's wazoo. Holy cow; don't they make whiskey or at least chill pills do deal with such excesses! Anyway, some lonesome cowboys came to the chuckwagon with notions, both about good chuck and making a play for Melinda. But . . . . they are no showers on the prairie and everyone smells like cows.

So they told lies and talked about politics. Or lied about politics, which is par for 2016.

This got Melinda into some talking.

"Ya know, Shorty, those tame Eastern politicians have some crazy notions."

"How so, Sweet Buns?"

After throwing a biscuit at Shorty, Melinda discoursed. 

"Well, first of all, what's this about building an 1800-mile wall across the desert to keep people out? Why not build a barbed wire fence between South Dakota and Wyoming to keep the eastern varmints out?"

Pecos Larry said, "Now that's a good notion to chew on. And how about those people confused as to where they want to pee?"

"Now that's a strange question. Pee where you want; just don't go behind a bush occupied by someone else."

"Now this Bernie Sanders fella wants to send everyone to college. What you think of that?"

"We gotta think more about that wild notion. After all, these people running for office went to such places as Princeton, Yale, Chicago, and Wharton, wherever the hell that is. How come they keep such strange notions? Next thing, they're thinking like crazy Coloradans after smoking that legal locoweed. Where's all the money coming from?" They're going to tax us more till we squeal! And then tax the squeal!"

Shorty said he couldn't make out those superdelegates, What super powers did they have?

"Shoot . . . . ponder! Their superpower is not having to listen to the common lot like us, never mind what the voters say. Think of them as big mules 'cause they're plumb stubborn."

One of the cowpokes said he could never keep straight why some people get fewer convention votes despite getting more votes at the polls. 

Melinda interpreted it thusly, "Politics is like playing poker with a rigged deck. And I don't play no strip poker; just penny ante hands. People who play politics should always remember it's like playing poker in a crooked house."

Shorty just had an idea he couldn't get out of his craw. "What about all the newspaper and television reporters reporting so much on the candidates, Melinda?"

"Listen up, Bucko. No one can resist being paid to watch a train wreck or a strip show."