Monday, May 22, 2017

Paid Sex Leave for Government Workers?

Recently a Swedish politician in northern Sweden, Per-Erik Muskos, proposed that local government employees receive an hour of paid sex leave per week.  This was promptly shot down by other members of the 31-member government council. Per-Erik's proposal was that this paid leave for sex would help counter Sweden's falling birth rate. When you consider that Overtornea, Sweden, the community in question, is located on the Arctic Circle, you would think that they already had reason enough for sex. Anyway, nice try, Per-Erik!

A lot of things come to mind with the practicality of this proposal being adapted by some American cities or counties. 

Obviously, one issue whether this hour of paid sex leave actually be used in copulatory activities; or will some irresponsible government workers actually spend the time drinking coffee, watching television, gardening, hiking, or eating Swedish meatballs? Will the government require some form of documentation: a signed affidavit, swearing under oath that they had sex, physical evidence, or so forth. Seriously, will this require something like testing or some other intrusive indignity? Will they be asked whether they experienced the big O or not?

Then, there is how government might define sex. Don't laugh. Will some Clintonian criterion define sex only in terms of actual intercourse; or would minor benefits* forms of sexual relations also count? If the justification for this fringe benefit is to increase the birth rate, then certainly this could be for this kind of restriction. Also, some diligent governmental statisticians will have to crunch, or at least massage, the data!

Given that a significant number of workers are unmarried, then a paid sex leave benefit could be seen by some as encouraging premarital sex! That would offend a number of people because of  moralistic issues! Indeed, some states decided to require that government workers get married before this benefit would be available to them. Or, if pregnancy resulted, can you say governmental-elicited shotgun weddings?

Anyway, the two major political parties had a lot to work out with this idea. Democrats were in favor of paid sex leave; but wanted to extend it to all workers, not just government employees. Capitalists were not keen on this, especially for fast food workers, who had to find other means of their employees getting screwed. Bible-Belt Republicans who officially adopted a moralistic stance were opposed; however, a number of them were won over when it was pointed out that they too were government employees and that there's nothing like a little roll in the hay to ease tensions after a long afternoon of sessions or committee meetings!  Also, a telling argument was that government employees canoodling were causing less mischief then as opposed to doing government work. Now that's a concept that anti-big government people can easily grasp!

But a significant attraction for most Democrats and those Republicans was that more government bureaucrats could be hired to deal with paperwork generated by this new governmental benefit. In triplicate, of course. And have the compensated employees give all the gory details! This is to ensure that no one given the paid leave was doing other things, like texting or reading comic books, instead of what they were paid to do!



Nothing more refreshing than a little sex on the taxpayer's dime!


*From the expression, friends with minor benefits.


Friday, May 19, 2017

Irony in Print and an Irritating Expresson

Ever since Alanis Morrissette invented irony, it has been an attitudinal expression of choice among people of a broad range of ages, especially on the internet. Maybe it's a Millennial or Gen-X thing especially, or maybe it's part of a widespread shtick used by late-night comedians that became mainstream. I don't know.

Anyway, a message containing irony or its coarser brother, sarcasm, can be indicated as such by tone, pitch, or facial expression when heard and seen, This is not so easy when the medium is strictly print. Consider a simple sentence: "Good work, men." This can imply a simple praising of a group or (less often) a snide comment, like when a collective effort fails due to incompetence or overlooking something. In speech the hearer can gain a sense of the message; but in print no such reservations are communicated. This is the problem.


On the internet there is the convention that the use of capital letters is the equivalent of shouting, as: "READ THE MANUAL BEFORE USE" as opposed to the more subdued "Read the manual before use." We also need a way to communicate irony or sarcasm as well. Perhaps using something like italics, or boldface, or maybe different colored type would do. Or, we can just admit that irony or sarcasm doesn't easily fly well in written form when used by the unskilled. Jonathan Swift and Voltaire did manage well, though.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And there's that unnecessary phrase, "Just sayin'."  Where did this irritating expression come from?  And what does this mean? Is this an attempt to say something snide or serious without assuming responsibility for ownership? Or is it just a means of filling space with sound? Recently, President Trump seems to use this expression a lot. 


Wednesday, May 17, 2017

A Typeface Confession

Many years ago, I joined three MSN Groups back when MSN did that groups sort of thing. They were Losers, Odd People, and the Brotherhood of Dorks. As you might guess, I was a tween then. I found those groups to be more civil than the old spontaneous chat rooms on AOL.* You could post something under your own pseudonym. (I chose eViL pOp TaRt!) And your own type color. I chose pink, but redder than this one. And Comic Sans MS. He is a sample of it that I had used in this blog. Like a lipstick color I used to use.

Now for some reason or other, Comic Sans is considered disreputable.



I think that it is a good time to rehabilitate Comic Sans. Strike off the chains of convention! Let's have Comic Sans Typeface Liberation! Open up to the possibility of variety.

Down with oppressive rules regarding typeface! We have nothing to lose but our chains! And we should have a more festive typeface if we want to! And more variety! I don't want to be in an all-Times New Roman world.

*Talk about going where I shouldn't!!! Parental controls did have a place back then when I was that age.



Sunday, May 7, 2017

Hollywood Thinking

Now that we seem to be in a continuous cycle of politics all over the place, an unusual phenomenon has arisen: A- and B-list Hollywood actors and actresses endorse statewide political candidates and advocate specific interests for candidates who are not in their states or districts. This has been going on on the National level but now this mania for partisan politicians has crept into the more local levels as well. For example, several of these luminaries have been supporting a Democratic candidate for Congress in Georgia.

Is there not a certain amount of chutzpah in doing this sort of thing? But we're not talking about a humble class of people, on the whole.

Presently, this is largely centered around Congressional candidates. I can hope that this would not also work for state offices. I assume that the maintenance of the streets of Sore Toe, GA or a Georgia State Severance Tax on Hominy* or a bond issue for schools in Whittlemore County is best judged by the people who are going to be most affected. And these are probably not topics for cocktail party conversation in Beverly Hills! Indeed, do these stars ever go back to the states or communities that they recently tried to influence? I doubt whether Alyssa Milano eats hominy; nor would she be personally affected by it being taxed.

Suppose Georgians were to reciprocate election-wise? Would anyone find it strange if Atlanta lap dancers, or Dublin pest control people, or Valdosta peanut farmers were to go to Hollywood to affect elections there? Would they wear Atlanta Braves hats?

Indeed, do those Hollywood types even know what they're talking about?  Do they get their expertise as part of their contracts? Any has anyone considered that their coming from outside to impact an election might earn resentment?

This is particularly true in the South, where they might be viewed as carpetbaggers.

Well, I will end this tirade with a story, in the approved Southern tradition. Back in 1994, Hollywood, Alabama (pop. about 1000) and ten other little Hollywoods successfully fought off Hollywood, CA's attempt to trademark its name and force the little Hollywoods to pay royalties to use the name also.** In fact, Hollywood, Alabama's founding antedated Hollywood, California's!

*Hominy is mined in Georgia. The Great Georgia Hominy Rush occurred in the 1830's.

**This is simply bullying by a big bucks city on the municipal playground.



Thursday, May 4, 2017

Remember "Clippy" or "Clippit"?

I would like to discourse on a genre of "art" that I know none of you, gentle readers, peruses. This is truly weird erotica. No, not something that might have sprung from some sick 19th century Austrian who wound up being a name in vintage Krafft-Ebing books or anime hentai: this is the truly weird.

I won't gross you out with too many specifics. For this, you need to take an abnormal psychology course or at least consult a textbook of that subject. 

Still, I post this as a salute to human imagination and depravity.

Remember Clippy? 





Darn! I forgot most people would rather not. It was an early Windows office assistant; and it was unloved when it was around.

Still, since I brought the little pest up, I just want to report that he made his devious way into specialized erotica.

Here is proof:



I have no idea what this literary depravity is about and do not plan to read it. Goodreads will give you a little more information:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25123709-conquered-by-clippy

And maybe someone will find a way to save that innocent redhead. If the reader is above age 17.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Moon Pie Anniversary

Today is the 100th Anniversary of that delectable confection, the Moon Pie. They come in chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, and banana.

Have a Moon Pie and a RC today.



Monday, April 24, 2017

Boob and Bra Haikus

As a poetic form, the haiku can be very adaptable. Here's a sampling of haiku involving boobs. Or, would these be more properly termed senryū?

They're perky, small bounce
I think they are looking great. 
Don't say otherwise.

Why didn't you grow
When everyone else's did?
But that's cool, boobs.
They all lied to me.
Everyone said they'd come
But they never did.

Now here are my boobs
There are only two of them
And I don't need more.

They are nice and small
So I can let them be free
When the weather warms.

The girls are not big
Yes, I am post pubescent. 
My butt is nice too.


Bra in the dryer
Warped, twisted underwires
Boobies lopsided.


Oh yes, I have boobs.
Don't really think about them
Unless I'm jogging.

Cop pulls me over.
Show him a little cleavage
"Have a nice day ma'am"

My girls are quite large
Wish I could wear a v-neck
And not look "slutty"

Mine are fairly small
But at least they are perky.
My butt is curvy.

My boobs are quite cute
They don't hurt me when I run
They're only A cups.

Evening dalliance.
But why is your hand in there?
Not quite now, Big Boy.
Are they real, you ask?
Yes, and they jiggle well too.
No, you can't touch them.

School uniform blouse
My only clean bra is red.
This may not work well.












Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Some Alternatives to the "Walk of Shame"

The popular term, "Walk of Shame," While in use since Lord-knows-when, does convey the implication that the performer had somehow did something shameful, something that one should be embarrassed with. After all, it does lead to a furtherance of the human race and most of us try it and like it. And mores have shifted away from  the 'oldrules' of the past. But that's a more!

Why not use some affirming concept to designate this early- to mid-morning trip home instead?

And why not have each and all give the walker a fist bump or high five?

Get real, people! Stop playing hypocrite! If you think it's okay, then don't be coy the next day.

In the interest of terminological accuracy, here are some alternatives to the "Walk of Shame":


1. Stride of Pride


2. Just got Laid Parade


3. Traipse of Triumph


4. Slut Strut


5. Post-Coitus Catwalk

6. Morning Cooldown After Cardio

7. Victory Lap

8. Personal Parade

9. After-Sex Saunter

10. Morning Mosey

11. Strut of Success

And dress in what you wore the night before! Carrying your heels is okay on the morning afterward.

https://www.bustle.com/articles/97998-7-sex-positive-alternatives-to-the-walk-of-shame-because-having-sex-is-awesome-not-shameful


http://www.self.com/story/much-better-names-for-the-walk-of-shame







Saturday, April 15, 2017

Tee Brigitte, Tee Clotilde, and the School Newspaper

Every school must have a newspaper. This is deemed one of those standard features of a high school. Typically, its content is approved by a faculty advisor who ensures that nothing too frank or troublesome to the administration and school board is published. Actually, it is part of the Journalism elective that some students may take and learn real-life journalism skills like slanting the news as the real newspapers do.

Is so happens that Tee Brigitte and Tee Clotilde were editors as seniors; and they mostly made for a very conservative, untroublesome pair of editors for The Weekly Bayou. The faculty advisor was lulled into a torpor of security due to nothing ever written seemly not amiss to good order and civility. That's the way principals and faculty advisors like it, you bet!

As for the paper itself, it was received by the students as a little on the boring side. Students scanned each issue to see if they were mentioned, to read the lame jokes, and to find out the school menu for the following week so they knew whether to eat in or to bag their lunches. The advisor even allowed reporters to wear fedoras in the newsroom with press cards in the hat bands, just like real reporters!

A month before the term ended, les jeune filles put in some hidden surprises. 

A schedule note declared that April Fools's Day was declared an official holiday; and classes would not be held that day. 

An exposé mentioned the Mr. Comeaux, the Assistant Principal, wore pink bikini panties. 

On another page, there was an article that the chemistry lab was designated a Superfund site. That was a teaching occasion, though. Many students first found out what a Superfund site was. As a further happening, the E.P.A. paid the school an on-site inspection to write a report that, as usual, no one would read before it gets filed.

Some eyebrows in the adult community shot up when there was an unconfirmed report that Bayou Teche High School would not play football in Fall, 2017. A frisson of fear transpired: Now what would people do on Friday nights in the Fall? All there is is beer, sex and television.

But an editorial packed quite a wallop. It argued that School Board members should be given intelligence tests and the results be reported by The Weekly Bayou, the Times-Picyaune, the Lafayette Advertiser, and the Baton Rouge Advocate.

With the last deed, that was going too far. Some people, however, thought that the girls had some inside information and demanded that a full disclosure should be made. There's something to be said for journalistic transparency! And for elected school boards.




[I originally wrote this, but filed it away as being too improbable. However, there was a recent report in the Washington Post that some high school student journalists in Kansas looked into the qualifications of an incoming principal for their school. They found her to have gotten diplomas from a diploma mill and other things that were overlooked when she was hired! Sometimes people overlook the obvious.]





Wednesday, April 12, 2017

From Rococo Art to "Frozen"

Jean-Honoré Fragonard (1732-1806) was a French painter who specialized in light, playful paintings -- one was of a mildly risqué nature. Perhaps his most famous, and certainly most reproduced, painting was "The Swing."

The scene depicted is that of a young woman being pushed in a swing by an older man. Unseen below is a young man looking upward at her as she generously displays her legs for his viewing pleasure while swinging. (Back in the time depicted, ladies did not wear pants.)  She teasingly kicks one of her sandals in the air.



The Disney movie, "Frozen," incorporated a similar scene with Anna being the girl on the swing. However, there is no peeping Tom in the bushes to appreciate her well-turned ankle and more. Still, it is unmistakably a scene in homage to Fragonard's original painting.


Part of the charm of the rococo style in art is that it is largely non-serious rather than pompous or bombastic. As such, it fits in well with cartoon settings.


Saturday, April 8, 2017

Very Effective Cure

Father Thibodeaux was making his weekly patient visits to the hospital. As he walked down the hallway, he spotted Sister Bernadette coming toward him, lickety-split, saying her rosary fast and loud. 

She ran past him without saying a word. Father Thibodeaux continues down the hall and saw Doctor Boudreaux coming around the corner. He asks, "Doc Boudreaux, what's the matter with Sister Bernadette? She jus' passed by me goin' to beat de band, and saying her rosary fast and loud." 

Doctor Boudreaux tells him, "I just told her she's pregnant." 

Father Thibodeaux asked, "Oh, no! Is she really?" 

Doc Boudreaux said, "No, of course not. But I sure cured her hiccups!"




Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Let's Have Swimsuit Equality!

I'm all for the equality of the sexes in all forms. However, there is one glaring setting for gender bias that our society seems unable to cope with: at the seashore or around the swimming pool. Specifically, women are required by custom and law to have both a bottom and a top, but men are only required to wear a bottom. 

Now this is de facto gender inequality, something not to be countenanced in this tenth year of the 21st century in America and the 234th year of our Independence! After all, what's good for the gander should also be good for the goose as well. But there are perils to going topfree nowadays, as the current nonbiased terminology has it. Except in South Beach and other places habituated by Snowbirds off the Canadian reservation or more by those wanton Europeans, mores are squarely against the exposure of female breasts -- despite our national obsession with these topographical features. And, I'm personally uncomfortable with the idea, as I discovered through trial and error on a trip to the Italian Riviera. No, true topfree beaches are not likely to be seen around here. 

But, still, work with me one this kind of reasoning, guys. I'll get to the point. The idea came to me suddenly while reading a summer book. Let's have true sexual equality in swimsuits: require guys to wear tops too! When I was in Nag's Head recently, I saw up too, too close the results of several years of American-style supersizing: a motely assortment of New York male tourists with protrubing bellies and moobs (copious adipose tissue on the chests of men.) As a matter of fact, many of these Noo Yawkers had more need of a bra than I do, and theirs with industrial-grade underwiring! Would you want to see Tony Soprano or Ted Kennedy in a speedo without a top? I think not. Very clearly, there are esthetic advantages that accrue when men don tops. 

So, let's all get behind the bikini equality movement! Require both guys and gals to wear tops! Who knows, some guys might really find it to their liking to wear a particularly stylish halter, especially if they can have their preferred sports team's logo on it. Some of the more athletically-inclined and well-endowed might favor the monomastic sports bra styling, or the arty might elect a frilly bandeau, while the daring might go in for the discreet cleavage of a demi-bra! And, in benighted places like Gulf Shores or South Beach, where inhibitions are few and the High Sheriff is tolerant, the very cheeky thongs might be dared! As a matter of fact, some of our more daring local guys might make the sojourn to Beverly Hills to get the implant surgery to allow them have moobs to be proud of and willing to hint at with daring swimwear! 

Think about this. We can achieve true sexual equality in this area if we all work together.








(I first wrote this in 2010 in another forum. It pissed some people off who took it the wrong way.)

Sunday, April 2, 2017

How Long Should a Sermon Be?

It is my understanding that ministers in 17th century Massachusetts used to preach long sermons -- so long that church elders (or whatever their official title was) used poles to prod dozing church members during the marathon sermons. Maybe that is apocryphal, though.

Anyway, it is a legend of sorts: what is implied by it is that people have limited attention spans; even when dwelling on spiritual matters. This can be very important, especially in larger cities where church-goers can choose from several alternatives of a particular denomination. 

Such is the case with Catholic churches in New Orleans: you can find them in several modes of your choosing: Irish, French, or German priest -- no problem. Do you like a Dominican or a Jesuit, or a parish priest? Do you prefer pomp and circumstance, or no? Again, you can choose, baby doll!

[I know the official line is that you are supposed to attend your parish church. But no one hardly received that memo from the Archbishop!] Anyway, matters of convenience come into play. Thus it was with the several generation of Breauxes. Is the church convenient to where you're going afterwards? And very critically: how long does the priest sermonize?

As a matter of fact, this is the key factor among many Orleanians! As a casual rule: after ten minutes, people sort of squirm More than 20 minutes, many are restive. And we're talking about regular attendees here. 

This is particularly critical if the Saints are playing a Sunday afternoon game, especially on the East Coast! If you time it right, you can pick up some Popeye's chicken, a French baguette and a dessert from a bakery, and settle in for the game on time!




A dessert and coffee while watching the game? A good plan.


Friday, March 31, 2017

Boudreaux and the Blonde

One day Boudreaux walked out to the dock, only to find a beautiful blonde woman, standing there, crying. 

He said, "Mais cher, what's wrong?" She said, "I don't have anything to live for. I'm gonna throw myself into the water and kill myself." 

Boudreaux said, "Oh, don' do dat. You're a beautiful woman and you have plenty to live for, Tell you what. I'm gettin' ready to get on dis boat and go to Europe. I'll sneak you on and will take care of you and we can be happy together." 

So, Boudreaux snuck his stowaway on board, and hid her in a lifeboat. For weeks, every day he would take her three square meals, making sure she was taken care of, and every night he would slip into the lifeboat with her and they would make mad passionate love. 

One day, the Captain discovered the woman, and asked her what she was doing there. She answered, "One of your crew members, a wonderful man, has been taking care of me, feeding me, and making love to me and he's taking me to Europe with him on this boat. 




The Captain replied, "Cher, I'm sorry to tell you, but this is the Algiers ferry." 


  

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Modern Reassessments of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs has been around for over 75 years and is still a basic tenet in motivational theory and humanistic psychology. While it can be critiqued in various ways, it is also helpful to remember that it has served as a springboard for conceiving of different hierarchies. So let us start off at Ground Zero for this kind of thinking.

At the apex of the pyramid are the self-actualization needs. The need to realize all of your potential. Some lucky souls get to be this way. The rest of us just plod along.

Immediately below actualization needs are the psychological needs for esteem and love and belongingness.

Ad in the lowest levels are the safety needs and the physiological needs. These cannot be downplayed!


The introduction of the internet has added a few more needs below that. Like WIFI and a functioning battery. Preferably a secure WIFI connection, if I might be choosy.


The internet itself has spawned a new set of demands and needs. These can be arranged in a hierarchy of needs




That important California area, Silicon Valley, has its own hierarchy of needs.


To consider a particular, shopping for a bra requires effort and concentration. It should be supportive, comfortable, and make a good appearance under your clothes. It should keep its contents stable and not jiggling much. Lastly, it should feel good on your skin. Is it too extreme to talk about Boob-actualization? Try wearing an ill-fitting bra for an hour or so before you answer. 


I guess it can be tough being a guy sometimes. They even have their own social hierarchy of needs to worry about:


Let's not forget other needs in any self-actualization that might be going on:


Friday, March 24, 2017

Music: "Candy"

Let us consider one from my preteen time: Mandy Moore's rendition of "Candy." Yes, she dressed so 1999; but this video came out in 1999. An admission: I dressed that way back then too. Yes, cargo pants and crop tops.

Party like it's 1999, baby!



Wednesday, March 22, 2017

The Evolution of a Beverage Ad

Dr. Pepper, which originated in Waco, Texas in 1880 or so, has undergone a number of advertisement changes in the past 130 years.

Here's an old one featuring a turn-of-the-century nude and some dubious vague health claims. At that time, ads such as these were the closest most people came to nudity.


In World War II, here's one that featured a Master Sergeant being unusually happy.

The lady in this ad looks improbably happy being a Pepper or the drink. Was some bourbon added to it? This is probably from the 1950's or 1960's; unless it's a retro ad:


Undoubtedly, this ad was not intended for use in the Bible Belt, even with a happy ending in which Dr. Pepper causes bipedalism:



A more recent ad that warns that it's not for women; but maybe for anime girls:



Anyway, mixing this beverage with alcohol works only with vodka. It gives a boost; but without the overstimulated side effect of an energy drink.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Music: "Classical Gas"

Here is an artist named Mason Williams performing "Classical Gas" on a guitar. It has a nice catchy beat to it and is a lot of fun when the horns come in. I love his outfit!

Unfortunately, there's not a lot of other recordings on You Tube by this artist.


Thursday, March 16, 2017

NCAA Tournament

What excuse do I have for dutifully filling out my brackets every year? It's not as if I follow basketball, or bet real money on games....It's done each year because it's a March Rite of Passage, like trying on last year's swimsuit and hoping whatever weight gain happened in the past few months isn't evident. Also, keeping warm because Spring doesn't seem to want to come!

This year, it's something that doesn't involve the dead hand of politics, which has gotten irredeemably nasty and upsetting and all-encompassing. That's another point. Finally, we go into the Area of Annoying Alliteration: Sweet Sixteen, Final Four, Elite Eight, and so forth. Some people like that.

Anyway, here's my Final Four: Gonzaga, Louisville, Villanova, and Kansas. I look for 'Nova to beat the Cardinals for All the Money.

Personally, I like the Zags Bulldogs. They have a cute, fierce mascot.





Tuesday, March 14, 2017

More Than Sympathy for the Devil

Each year colleges and universities, during their commencement exercises, award honorary degrees to varied luminaries of varying degree of notoriety or merit. And usually there's some citation or title to go with it. Hey, that gets luminaries as graduation speakers.

Let's consider a not-as-yet honored luminary: old Satan himself. Which institution will get around to cite the Old Boy? Shall said institution award him the Doctor of No Laws degree, or the Doctor of Inhumane Letters degree? Maybe a Doctor of Divinity degree would be too ironic.

Now while the U.S. Constitution bars the government from awarding titles of nobility or other trappings of old world royalty, they could take advantage of the Devil's weakness for titles by giving him a new-fangled title, like Coach of the Year or Old Poody Pants! After all, previous ones like Lord of the Flies and The Prince of Lies went over big and he is one vain dude, like he came out of Hollywood! How about Vlad the Inhaler or Sower of Alternative News? Mystical Deflater of Footballs or Dubious Dude of Discord could catch on too.

In short, play on his vanity. By making it sound flattering and official, he will bite.

Pro tip: This is exactly what two of the minor demons, Belial and Beelzebub, did to get themselves ahead in their own devilish way. After all, to the winners of this game of suck up go the most Devil's Food Cake or Deviled Eggs!

And it is not entirely out of sorts for newspapers or magazines to catch more Lords of the Flies by using honey than vinegar! A few well-placed articles might mollify any inclination to declare them 'Enemies of the People.' [I might point out in passing that this title is similar to and may have originated from a play by Henrik Ibsen with a similar title. Is this a plagiarism issue?]

After all, this business of suck up goes the other way, too. It was none other than Winston Churchill who flattered the press excessively by referring to them as 'The Fourth Estate!" The press, including possibly The New York Daily News and The Sun, has delighted in this term ever since. Flattery will get politicians anywhere with newspaper people.

And this might serve as an operational plan of sorts. Like ju-jitsu for dummies! Oh my.....is this a potential book title in my future?



Wednesday, March 8, 2017

"It Ain't Over Till the Fat Lady Sings"

An expression in sports that "It ain't over till the fat lady sings," has been variously ascribed to Mike Ditka, Yogi Berra, or other sports raconteurs like Paul Finebaum. Anyway, this is a well-accepted axiom that only when the final score is tallied will the outcome be assured. It's like the old adage, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

What is referred to by this? Apparently, it's an operatic reference to the fourth part of  Der Ring des Neibelungen, called Götterdämmerung, which ends with a twenty minute aria by Brunnhilde. 

Brunnhilde is typically cast as a full-figured woman carrying a spear and shield, and wearing a DD- or larger-sized breastplate or sports bra and horned helmet. Because Der Ring des Neibelung seems to go on forever, it truly ain't over until the fat lady sings!

It's nice there is this unexpected link of sports with Germanic opera!



An air from another Wagnerian opera from the Ring cycle also made its appearance in an old war movie, Apocalypse Now:

Will horned helmets come back in style someday? This would be perfect for wear in Washington or Minneapolis. Or perhaps Spring Break attire for guys!

Friday, March 3, 2017

Missy Chauvin's Car Tips

Missy Chauvin once did a morning show in addition to being the co-anchor for Action News. This Morning Show was very diverse in topics, and included some tips on everyday problems.

One was a series on car tips. It included such timely advice on what to do with certain automotive problems. Here's a sample:

1) If you are having problems with turn signals, then take your car in for more turn signal fluid. Never let it get too low!

2) If your muffler gets noisy, then go to an auto supply store and purchase a large decal for the rear window.

3) If stopped by a traffic cop, then unbutton the top two buttons of your blouse. Or three, if he looks cute.

4) Fill up your car with Premium Gas once a month. It makes it feel special and loved.

5) If there is a deer or a cow on the road, flash your lights off and on. Don't try to avoid it, as you don't know where it will go. If a nutria, speed up and aim to the varmint!

6) Shift into neutral at traffic jams or long traffic lights.

7) Keep your tires properly inflated.

8) If you and your man are trying to make a baby, then he shouldn't use the car seat warmer. It raises scrotal temperature by as much as 4 degrees.

9) Don't text while driving. Even to your Mama or bookie.

10) Change your oil filter and air filter regularly.

11) Keep your gas tank more than half full during cold weather. Otherwise, it gets filled with moist air, which can condense to water, which settles down at the bottom of the tank, and can get in your fuel line. (We're in Louisiana, you know.)

12) If four cars reach a four-way stop at the same time, the car with the gun rack has the right-of-way.

13) Don't paint your toenails while driving.

14) Don't get a red car. They're more likely to be stopped for speeding or because the policeman thinks that you are hot.

15) Acting ditsy might get you out of a speeding ticket.

16) Telling the cop that you were speeding to go to all nine churches on Good Friday might get you out of a ticket. This works only on Good Friday in New Orleans or Jefferson Parish.

17) Change your auto deodorizer regularly. Or even better, use some nice potpourri.

18) Change your oil every 3000 miles or whatever the manufacturer recommends. Add more oil by removing the 7-10 cap.

19) Add power steering fluid, transmission fluid, and windshield fluid if low.

20) Lock your car while shopping. You don't want a wino to sleep it off in the back.

Because of these timely tips, there was more happy motoring in the New Orleans area.