Monday, June 29, 2015

Unclaimed Baggage and the Retail Chain

For those going a bit out the way, there's an Unclaimed Baggage store in Scottsboro, Alabama.  This is where the stuff that either gets misdelivered or forgotten in the Arrivals luggage carousels winds up.  It's a wonderland, mixing both the prosaic and the weird.  But Scottsboro has an air of that anyway.

Still, some of the stuff that winds up there remains unsold.  Here's where the  purveyors of tacky in the various flea markets and yard sales get into the act.  Some of these items are purchased with the idea of reselling them with some markup.  Well, it's good when it works.

This one was not picked up be a reseller because it's a hard item to sell; but someone might want these for an Elvis wedding in Las Vegas or Gatlinburg:

Billy Donahue bought 500 risqué t-shirts of various sizes for resale at Dirty Dick's flea market.  Suddenly the tastes of trashy people in the Dayton area markedly bottomed out!

And what did Corey do with all those used panties of various sizes?  Well, she sold them to naive frat boys who wanted to achieve some stolen glory as real studs.

Not all of these purchases are easily sold.  However, Millicent Buford became the prime supporter of Puerto Rico or Guam statehood after she bought 200 51-star American flags at $4.95 each.

Three dozen moose heads migrated further down the food chain after a conglomerate bought them for resale in Boston.   You can bet that 36 hunter wannabees would eventually be made happy!

You can even purchase  I (heart) NY wear at the Unclaimed Baggage Center.

The Masters of War in urban settings found little in terms of armaments there; however, foot soldier dope peddlers found some burners to make some deals on.  These drove the narcs nuts, trying to found out why so many pushers relocated.  Clearly, it could only be organized crime in action.

Someone gratefully snapped up a muu-muu with a Tabasco sauce pattern on it.  She was one red hot Mama!

Future guitar heroes can find one at the Unclaimed Baggage Center:

Yes, you can but some nifty clergymen outfits there.  This would go with your mail-order ministry position from that mail order seminary.

Friday, June 26, 2015

The Summer Romances

One of the hazards of being a teen is that of being taken out of your safe, predictable environment to go on a family vacation for a week or so.  Now that sort of thing rocked when you were a little kid; but many teens turn very conservative when it comes to sudden environmental changes.  Even ones that turn out semi-okay, like Baby had in Dirty Dancing.  

A rule of thumb, though: seldom do you meet guys while on such family trips, and the likelihood of one being able to dance is, whatever, slim to none.  So when Brenda found herself with her family, 'rents, bro, and sis, she expected a week about as dull as a sermon by some ancient preacher!  

However, in arriving at Destin, the beach and water looked so inviting, so she suited up, bringing along her cell phone to keep up with back home doings.  This was a concession to civilization.  However, it was not entirely primitive: there were nearby shops and concession stands.  So Brenda staked out her claim on the beach with her towel, and started working on her tan.  Time well-spent for that healthy look!  

Still, it got boring after a short time.  Being hot and inactive does that.  Soon a baseball rolled sort of in her direction, so she lazily looked where it could have come from, and there were two guys about her age.  Their names were Matt and Louie.  Yes, they were attractive; no, make that damned good-looking!  Now things looked less dull; someone else to hang out with.  So they did.  They took walks along the water, seeing the sandpipers and little fish and even a sting ray now and then.  It's good to wear trainers while in the water because of that!

Suffice to say, it was like Brenda done died and went to Heaven!  And not the Budget Annex Heaven, either.  This was the Real Deal Heaven for Teen Girls!  The odds were shifted demographically in her favor, Brenda experienced.  And not losers, either.  No rough no-count trashy guys or hoods, no rednecks, no scary older dudes!

Brenda, Matt, and Louie got along together mostly well; but at times the two guys seemed to prefer that they would get to be one-on-one with Brenda.  It was, in general, a great time.  And Brenda was not put in the position of having to choose and relegate the other to the friend zone.  This idyllic kept for the remainder of the summer vacation, with some spontaneous moments of affection with both of them: kissing and light necking, nothing really to see or hear, y'all.  It continued with an avid correspondence with both guys through the fall.  Brenda did not worry that she had driven a wedge into the already-existing friendship.  Just happy memories.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


I will cheerfully own up to being clueless about beers, except I know what I like.  However, a nice beer label arouses my curiosity.  Like, what does Clown Shoes Tramp Stamp beer taste like?

Just so it isn't like a Viking funeral!

Coconut porter is a new concept.  Still, those are nice labels:

Chocolate beer is a hard sell; maybe a Sex Panther label would help:

I tried this.  It's actually good!


What's a moose knuckle?

The slogan is a winning one:

It's a local beer; but it's good:

Bad Froggie!  Your attitude reeks:

Not your average imported beer:

Not a good choice for timid guys with survival instincts:

Is this brewed in Jersey Shore?  Does Snooki and JWoww drink this?

Apparently a Butterface is a local with bad hair and teeth:

Don't blame him if the neighborhood is bad:

Stay classy, y'all: 

What would a monk's mistress drink?

Finally, this porter may have been named Sweet Baby Jesus! Porter because it has chocolate and peanut butter in it:

Here's to your health and good times!  Drink sensibly!

Monday, June 22, 2015

What Is the Rudest City?

A few years ago, Travel + Leisure did a poll on what was the rudest city.  You can read the article, or simply use my summary.  Anyway, here's the Top Twenty:

1.  New York City
2.  Miami
3.  Washington, D. C.
4.  Los Angeles
5.  Boston
6.  Dallas/Fort Worth
7.  Atlanta
8.  Phoenix/Scottsdale
9.  Baltimore
10.  Orlando, FL
11.  Philadelphia
12.  Las Vegas
13.  Anchorage
14.  Chicago
15.  San Francisco
16.  Houston
17.  Seattle
18.  Providence, R.I.
19.  San Diego
20.  Salt Lake City

I found some of these to be surprising, to say the least.  

But the different cities showed different reactions to it.

1.  New Yorkers, predictably enough, donned NY Yankees caps and wore foam fingers asserting that they were Numbah One!

2.  Miamians shrugged and head over to South Beach to work on their butt tans.

3.  Washingtonians blamed their high ranking on the other political party.

4.  Angelinos swore bilingually at Travel + Leisure for disrespecting them with a rating no higher than fourth.

5.  Bostonians demanded a recount.

6.  Dallas citizens who noticed the results complained that it was a conspiracy, somehow.

7.  Atlanta blamed its top ten ranking on Georgia crackers.

8.  Phoenix residents found it hot enough; and didn't want to get hot and bothered.

9.  Baltimore responded that their rudeness was an endearing trait of Charm City.

10.  Orlando blamed it on Mouse fans of being pushy and driving poorly.

11.  Philadelphia pointed out that they did get rated less rude than the previous year.

12.  The Las Vegas city government attributed it to Californian weekenders.

13.  Anchorage wondered if there was some kind of cosmic upheaval, or was this a omen of an earthquake?

14.  Chicago demanded that next year's poll be under Chicago Rules.

15.  San Francisco blamed it on their people being tired that their city was called "Frisco" one too many times.

16.  Someone said, "Houston, we have a problem."

17.  Seattle residents got a venti espresso and studied techniques of rudeness to improve their score.

18.  Providence residents were surprised that someone noticed that they were a city.

19.  San Diego people chilled by going surfing.

20.  Salt Lake City coped poorly at making the list, as they were not supposed to drink coffee or alcohol there.

21.  Detroit was annoyed that they didn't make the list even though they had the Lions and the Tigers.  

22.  Saint Louis sang the blues because it was omitted.  

23,  New Orleans celebrated not making the list with a jazz band parade.

24.  Nashville noted its absence in a country song.

25.  The Mistake by the Lake (Cleveland) thought there was a mistake somewhere. 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Developing a Winning Town Attraction and Slogan

Sometimes it's harder being a public relations writer than others.  Matt Winsocki had an assignment that was a tough one.  Since he was the newest member on the staff on Spin Doctors Universal, he was assigned the task of coming up with an attraction and  slogan for Plainville, Indiana; a place without visual or historical fame, a place that lived up to its name in spades, a place that had nothing to remember.  This is the typical assignment that other P.R. writers avoided; but Matt, being a Millennial, got stuck with it.

Oh well, he thought; time to make a lemonade out of a lemon.  But when he surveyed the town, named because of its flat terrain, he thought that the town was aptly named for another reason.  "Hmmm . . . .", he thought, would "Plainville, The Windy City do?"  But he was disappointed that Chicago already took that slogan as one of its.  "Okay, do they have any events or festivals of note?  Nope, none at all.  Well, double damn!"  

Matt was fast running through all the ideas in his trusty book, Public Relations for Dummies, when he came up with the suggestion to employ some local agriculture or industry as a public relations theme.  Unfortunately, the various farmers in the area had bad luck in agriculture and the remaining ones were left growing ragweed and cannabis.  Those would do, obviously!  Besides, the pot-growers would rather as little publicity as possible.

So it came to manufacturing.  Fortunately, Plainville did have one industry, the Schön Bustenhalter Werks that manufactured bras for export to Europe  That could be a problem, both product-wise and the fact that it had no presence in the American mindset.  A bra festival, maybe; a bustenhalter one, no soap.

But Matt, a graduate with honors from Southwest Kentucky State University, though he was up to the challenge.  Matt buckled down and thought some more.  Why not generate some ideas for festivals to draw people in, like a Renaissance Faire or a Cornhole Toss Festival.  Or maybe honor some local resident who became prominent in the slogan he was trying to develop.

Unfortunately, the only resident of Plainview to achieve prominence was Dudley Slipokoff, who was executed in the State Prison back in 1899.  Matt thought, "Maybe I shouldn't mention this.  There could still be strong feelings about this after only 116 years."

Likewise, the indigenous cuisine, featuring such fare as five bean casserole and hot dish seemed uninspired to generate state-wide, much less national, interest.

So it was back to the bras.  Then Matt Winsocki thought that maybe he could combine the two, the industry and the festival.  This inspiration almost wrote a slogan in itself:

"Plainville:  The Home of the Schön Bustenhalter Werks and the Not Plain Bra Festival"  Now that was an award-winning idea!  But, just to be safe, he proposed incorporating it into a Indiana State Cornhole Toss Festival!  

The final slogan, which was adopted enthusiastically by the Town of Plainville as: "The Home of the Indiana State Cornhole Toss Festival and the Schön Bustenhalter Werks."  That was full of win.  They could exploit a Bavarian theme, with bier und bratwurst and perhaps dirndle-wearing beauties!

The Cornhole Toss Boards

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Awesomely Ugly Sofas

You may have gotten tired of your living room furniture, but hopefully you really don't want  these:

Cast-off furniture from a dormitory?

A museum piece usually stored in back.
Can also be used to store water against a drought.

What were they thinking or what bad
hallucinogen were they using?

I think a dog might have, or should, get sick.

1950's retro nightmare.

Looks uncomfortable.

Supposedly on sale for $24,000.

Monday, June 15, 2015

I Am Not a Dog

There is a Brazilian singer named Euripides Waldick Soriano (honest!), whose most famous song is "Eu não sou cachorro, não." which translates to "I Am Not a Dog." It has these lyrics:

"Eu não sou cachorro, não. Pra viver tão humilhado. Eu não sou cachorro, não. Para ser tão desprezado. Tu não sabes compreender."

"I am not a dog, no. Why must I live so humiliated. I am not a dog.   You are not able to understand."

Once while Waldick was singing this song on a stage, a dog came from one of the wings while wearing a sign, "I am not Waldick Soriano." The singer totally lost his cool and left the stage, leaving the encore for the dog to do alone.  Supposedly, it caused a riot!

Here is Waldick Soriano singing his hit song:

Friday, June 12, 2015

Humor About Flatulence

Americans have some odd notions about flatulence: that it's a bad thing not engaged in by polite or important people.  Can you imagine Jon Stewart or any of the Supremes passing gas?  How about nuns?  While it's a stretch to imagine the President breaking wind, somehow it seems plausible that some minor state Governor might.

And fart jokes are not regarded as sophisticated humor.  I doubt that the New York Times or The New Yorker give examples of those.  Yes, it probably is a carryover from our European heritage and the emulation of the upper class.  However, there has been a noisy and smelly undercurrent to these inhibitions regarding flatulence.  After all, Benjamin Franklin wrote Fart Proudly. And you can always count on that countercultural source of less-than-polite humor, preteen boys, to furnish new examples of scatological humor.  I would not be totally surprised if there are subrosa classes on how to tell fart jokes during recesses for seventh grade.  After all, many have found that they have an easy strategy for impressing early teen girls.  I think that we should regard them for what they are: a bona fide form of Americana!  

Lest anyone dismiss this form of humor as suggestive of the unsophisticated humor of the Americans, let's consider some historical examples.  The Roman Emperor Elegabarus entertained himself and guests with an ancient example of a Whoopee cushion!   Le Pétomane entertained French audiences at the Folies Bergère with tunes produced from his rear trumpet!  Of course, Geoffrey Chaucer had this description of how Nicholas saluted Absalom through the window in The Miller's Tale of Canterbury Tales: 

"This Nicholas anon let fle a fart 
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent
That with the strook he was almost yblent (blinded) 
And he was ready with iron hoot 
And Nicholas ammyd the ers he smoot."

In other words, Absalom hit him in the butt with a hot poker in response to his fart.

Therefore, be fearless in your enjoyment of this sort of humor.  However, the Fire Marshal might take a jaundiced view of your igniting one!

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Special Occasion for a Girls' Night Out

It was the usual Yat* Sisters' night out; but Jane made a reservation at their hangout for dinner for the amazing six. Sometimes it's a good idea if you have a large group and want a table for a festive dinner. (Jane was a little obsessive-compulsive; she got nervous if things were left up to chance.)

Anyway, apparently the hostess was cheerful and accommodating as a good hostess should; and she asked if it was a special occasion. Jane rather flippantly answered, "Oh, we're celebrating Megan's loss of virginity." And thought no more about it, since she thought that the hostess, who knew them, was aware that she was kidding.

Came the girls' night out. They were seated at a really good table for six, and the waiter brought a nice wine. Hey, the service got ramped up since last time it seemed! And the guitarist came and performed a soulful song for Megan and gave her a single, long-stemmed rose. All of us, Jane included, were confused.

Finally, Jane figured it out: the restaurant hostess took her remark literally, and they were really celebrating Megan's loss of virginity! 

After dinner, while the girls were having some coffee before going to a club, the waitress brought out a cake made in the form of a woman's torso to mark the festive occasion. Jane was embarrassed at thing turn of things; and never got up the nerve to tell Megan or the others why those special attentions were provided! 

Did it stop Jane from making offhand, flippant comments in the future? No, making flip remarks is a habit that's hard to break even when you occasionally get hoisted by your own petard. During the next girls' night out, Megan remarked that she enjoyed the celebration of her loss of virginity. It was more fun than when it originally occurred ten years before!

Megan earned some valuable good sport points; always a good deal when the Yat Sisters are hanging out together!

*A New Orleans native; from the greeting, "Where y'at?"

Celebratory cake for the occasion.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Interesting Places To Pass Through

Motorists often have to pass through small towns while traveling on the back highways of America.  However, sometimes they get to pass through places with amusing names like these. Enjoy! I'm not making any serious point with this. Heaven forbid!  It's good to travel light and enjoy the trip!

An unincorporated town in Arkansas where people like peanuts.

This city in Oklahoma may be honoring an unnamed strumpet.
Kentucky, South Dakota, and Missouri also have Hookers.
Honoring an odd Missourian.
Some people persist in riding it in Alaska.

Possums know better than to mosey in Kentucky.

Unfortunately, there is no Two-in-Bush in Pennsylvania.

A small town in Georgia possibly named after a dance.
An actual unincorporated place in Oregon; avert your eyes!
This is in North Carolina
Waterproof is in Louisiana and isn't Waterproof!

Definitely a place in Texas to be careful visiting.
Some Nebraska towns are like that.
A stingy Missourian is honored here.
Honoring the virgins of Pennsylvania.