Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Signs You're Not at a Good University

If your institution has many of these, then you might consider transferring to another institution:

1. Your school's mascot is the boll weevil.
2. Jerry Springer was your institution's commencement speaker.
3. Diplomas are sold through vending machines on campus.
4. Numerous typos are found in the school bulletin.
5. The campus newspaper has a page with a large picture to color.
6. The school cafeteria has recently been awarded Four Roaches by the School Cafeteria Management Association.
7. The last time a Spanish major from it visited Spain, that government broke off diplomatic relationships with us.
8. Students typically spend their Spring Breaks in Cleveland.
9. The campus minister was reported for conducting black sabbats.
10. The campus infirmary has its own morgue.
11. The English instructors use "ain't."
12. The Psychology Department is housed in the nearby mental institution.
13. Biology students are told to "provide their own specimens for lab," and local cats begin to disappear.
14. The U.S. flag on the flagpole often is flown upside down, and they're aware of the symbolism.
15. The university marching band spells out words incorrectly on the field at halftime.
16. The university is accredited by such suspect organizations as "American Twirlers' Association," "Tassle Dancers' Association," "No-name, No-neck College Accreditation Association," and the "Bogus Universities of America."
17. The major sport at the institution is safecracking.
18. It has an unusually large number of graduates who became actors or politicians.
19. The campus has been designated a National Abestos Preserve.
20. The ROTC unit there is for the KISS Army.
21. There's an equestrian statue of Dan Quayle or Ozzy Osborne in front of the administration building.
22. They're considering changing its name to Texas State University and its location to Georgia.
23. Cows graze on the quadrangle.
24. The university administration has a parole officer on the staff.
25. They play polkas at campus mixers.
26. They don't use anything stronger than baking soda in the chemistry lab.
27. When the legislature funds the institution, they persist in referring to it as "hush money" rather than "state support."
28. The grad students make the campus unsafe after dark.
29. Literature courses have three-page term papers.
30. The history books have large pictures to color in them
31. The periodic chart in the chemistry classroom has only 87 elements.
32. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar is one of the topics covered in Art History.
33. Line dancing is taught in the library.
34. Some of the faculty have gotten their diplomas from mail-order degree mills.
35. The university cafeteria is the prime source of E. coli for the Biology Labs.
36. The University gave Anna Nicole Smith an honorary degree.
37. The majorettes dance at a nearby "gentleman's club" in the evenings.
38. The campus newspaper also serves a toilet paper in restrooms.
39. Professors greet their classes with, "Kowabonga, Dudes."
40. There's elevator music played in the halls.
41. Parking is only in parking decks controlled by the mob.
42. The institution has endowed chairs named after corporate executives under indictment.
43. The Music Department features applied music courses in the accordion and the kazoo.
44. Phlogiston is still taught as a current theory in chemistry.
45. The geography department thinks that the world is flat; er, shaped like a pizza.
46. The Faculty Senate holds bake sales to provide money for equipment.
47. The quadrangle is a toxic waste dump.
48. Management 400 is entitled "Beating the Rap."
49. An interstate highway goes right across the middle of the campus, and there are no walkways above it.
50. The Art Department has classes in Paint-by-the-Numbers.


Anonymous said...

also called a community college?

Big Sky Heidi said...

Fifty great laughs. How do you think of so many?