Monday, May 18, 2015

Types of Kisses, According to Philosophy

Philosophers, in their unbridled speculation, have worked out a taxonony of kisses. Who says philosophy is not practical?

Aristotelian kiss
This is a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Cartesian kiss
This is a particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Derrida kiss
This is one in which you kiss everywhere, enacting a deconstruction of the binary lip/non-lip. 

Epimenidian kiss
This is a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Erdelatzian kiss
This is an unsatisfying kiss with one's sibling.

Freudian kiss
This is a kiss in which you are really trying to kiss your mother.

Hegelian kiss
This is a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Kantian kiss
This is a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Nietzscheian kiss
This is one in which whoever does not kiss you only makes you stronger.

Realism kiss
This is a kiss in which you notice that he used Axe, and he has wandering hands.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss
This is a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Socratic kiss
This is really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground. 

Steinian kiss
A kiss is a kiss is a kiss.

Subjective idealism kiss
This is a kiss that is best in the imagination.

Wittgensteinian kiss
The important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as sucience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefore. 

Zenoian kiss
This is a kiss in which your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.


Linda Kay said...

Oh, my, I'm going to have to print this out to have on hand to see what kind of kiss I'm getting from my hubby!

Mike said...

Derrida kiss - 'nuff said.

Cloudia said...

Orthology of osculations!

What about the "after-thought" [posterior] kiss that those who wish us ill may indulge in?

( '>

ALOHA from Honolulu,

Dixie@dcrelief said...

I still prefer the tongue in cheek.

Duckbutt said...

There's the Bob Knight kiss:

"When I die bury me face down so my critics can kiss my ass."

Bilbo said...

I never thought of you as one to kiss and tell!

John Hill said...

Wow! That's puts a lot of pressure on a simple kiss!