Sunday, October 21, 2012

Missy Chauvin and the Honey Island Swamp Monster

Missy Chauvin, star reporter for T.V.'s Action News, was assigned to do a scary feature for Halloween.  She decided to go to one of the local scary places to see what could come of it.

But what one?  The Lalaurie home was overdone.  St. Louis Number One was dangerous, even in the daytime.  And she couldn't manage another trip to the Myrtles in Francisville.

Suddenly, she had an inspiration: she could pretend to interview the Honey Island Swamp Monster with Brian, her cameraman and, Reggie, her co-star playing in the starring role while wearing a monster suit.  (Brian referred to Missy as 'his mike stand.')  Anyway, she Googled the Swamp Monster, seeking out likely locations.  Also, since part of the script was that she would pretend to be abducted by the Honey Island Swamp Monster, she wore a ravishing lilac-and-pink nightgown under she reporter's dress.  After all, she needed to look good for the abduction scene!  Always a professional, with the long-standing history of New Orleans journalism in mind.

So Missy, Brian, and Reggie wander around the swamp, pretending to look high and low for this form of cryptozoology.  Reggie, not familiar with the layout of the swamp, got lost.  After a while, they happen upon a tall, hairy, amorphous creature that somehow doesn't look like Reggie's costume!  Brian runs away, having remembered a date with Sienna Miller, or was it Jessica Biel?  Brian was not adept in excuse-making; but few camerapersons are, you know.

Anyway, Missy finds that the script is taking place in real life, and that the H.I.M. does a better job with the action than Reggie ever could in the rehearsals!  [Missy thought, "Oh well, I'm dressed for a swamp abduction."]

Missy screamed, "Where are you taking me," more by reflex than with the expectation that the Monster spoke English.  However, to her surprise, he did. 

"Oh, just taking you on a date!"  Missy thought the worst: what horrors would a date with a monster entail???  "Let me put on some pants and a jacket and a hat . . . . "

And they wound up at the Waffle House in Pearl River.  Neither the hairy guy in the fishing clothes or the lady in her nightgown seemed to be remarkable to the late night crowd nursing their coffee and eating waffles.  The night waitress simply thought that he was a New Orleans lawyer who spent a week on a fishing trip in the swamp nearby and went to seed as a vacation from his usual, dapper self.  Lawyers easily go to seed in the sticks of St. Tammany Parish.

The Honey Island Swamp Monster turned out to be a regular customer, preferring the French toast there.

Missy said, "Say Monster, would you like to try my French toast using my pain perdu recipe?"

It turned out that the Honey Island Swamp Monster was a LSU fan and Missy Chauvin wound up with an occasional, though hairy, boyfriend.


Jon Frum said...

There is a Honey Island Swamp! And supposedly a monster.

Anonymous said...

Really odd. There are no swamp monsters.

Big Sky Heidi said...

A good reason for not going into swamps, as if snakes and alligators weren't enough.

Mike said...

I'm surprised the monster wasn't a 6 foot tall mosquito.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Jon -- It's 60 m. NE of New Orleans.

Anno -- Who knows?

Heidi -- Gators are overrated as threats.

Mike -- Some mosquitos have FAA numbers on their wings.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Nice story.

Candice said...

But did she actually shave her legs for the date with the monster? That's what I want to know.