Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Lewd Dude Meets The Prophetess

Milton, the noteworthy King of Flith and the Connoisseur of Porn at his college, was referred to simply as the Lewd Dude for his prurient interests.

At long last the Lewd Dude finally made it down to the Crescent City -- the place, where to his collegiate reckoning, where anything goes, where the beer and whiskey could be purchased without the need for a driver's license, people partied hearty 24/4, and those hot Orleanian women would throw themselves at you when needy, or at least flash their breasts for beads! 

This was how the place was depicted while he was back at Indiana Southern College and he would watch old episodes of Cops or get one of those tacky Girls Gone Half-Wild DVDs from the movie rental store.  In short, he saw New Orleans as a place where anything would happen; and what happens in N.O. stays in N.O.

Yeah!

So the Lewd Dude rode with his buddies all night, before landing in a cheap motel and mentally preparing for the all night party on Bourbon Street.  After all, a place that names its iconic street after a whiskey must be where you can play it wet and wild, fast and loose!  So the L.D. and his buddies were socking the brewskis away (as people in Hoosier country termed such libations) and giving the local girls the eye.

Only whey were not getting much of a rise.  Maybe it was the disreputable angle in which they were wearing baseball hats, or their general loudness, or their uncouth requests for female exhibitionism!  Or possibly their nonacquaintance with deodorants.  Anyway, the disappointment quotient began to ascend!

Finally, they noticed a young, oddly but chastely dressed young lady coming from around the corner.  It was Madeline, AKA The Prophetess, as she was known in New Orleans.  Madeline had just finished her flying novena for world peace and a fast track at the Fair Grounds and was seeking some ice cream repast while conferring with her compadre, Crazy Chester.  The Lewd Dude yelled out, "Heeeey, Baybeee!"

Madeline was confused.  Who were these strangers addressing her in such a forward way?

She drew near, a mistake.  But her only one.

The Lewd Dude called out, " Hey Bay-bee, show us your [breasts]," while reaching to raise her sweater.

Madeline swung with her purse, and cold-cocked him!  Madeline was naive; but learned at an early age how to manage unwanted attentions from tourists, called turistas locally.

Ole L.D. was staggering from being whopped on side of the head, and Madeline sprayed him.  However, instead of buying pepper spray, she made a mistake and bought Deer Be Gone.  The Lewd Dude thus smelled like bear urine which possibly improved on the spillage of the Buds he had earlier! 

And to make further the Lewd Dude's day, a large African-American male named Crazy Chester came on the scene.  Crazy Chester and The Prophetess were in cahoots with each other in the equine actuary profession (they both were touts).

"Yo, podner; you disrespecting The Prophetess?  You in for a world of woe!"

The E.R. at Charity got another customer that evening.

8 comments:

Bilbo said...

Please be sure that Chester and The Prophetess know I'm polite and harmless. Even if the GOP manages to kill Sesame Street, I don't need any evenings sponsored by the letters E and R.

bakku-shan said...

Drunk, beaten up, and smelling like bear piss is no way to go through life, son.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Mlle. Prophetess sounds like a force to reckon with!

Mike said...

Crazy Chester sounds like a cool guy.

Duckbutt said...

The Prophetess sounds like a cool girl, a real original!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Bilbo -- They're nonviolent, in the tradition of Ghandi or Edwin Edwards.

Mike -- He is.

Duck -- She is, but a little dotty.

Bakku-shan -- You are a wise person.

Elvis -- She is. And the best horse picker since Black Cat Lacombe.

Grand Crapaud said...

The Lewd Dude needs to appear in more stories.

Dianne said...

why is it that I picture Lewd Dude as Paul Ryan? :)