Friday, October 5, 2012

We Need Laws for a Better North Carolina

While North Carolina is as good as it gets, and is the envy of the lesser states, there are some wee areas for improvement that need to be addressed.

1. Teachers get 10% of their salaries in lottery tickets.

2. They need to make it a crime to sing to a goat.

3. The Governor must take vows of poverty and chastity at the Inaugeration.

4. The state needs to make it illegal to be ugly.

5. We need more official state things:

     a.  State Fish -- carp

     b.  State Lamppost -- leaning

     c.  State Brassiere Color -- orange

     d.  State Toilet Paper -- one ply

     e.  State Carpet -- powder blue and white

     f.  State Bug -- cockroach

     g.  State Outhouse  -- moons on the door

     h.  State Lap Dance -- a version of the shag

6. The state needs to make moonshining legal.

7. All school board members and administrative staff must eat one lunch per week in the school cafeteria of his or her own choice.  Think of the children!

8.  All legislators must eat at least one meal per month in a state prison or mental hospital.

9. We need for those who play bluegrass music to be considered sex offenders.

10.  We need to make Hatteras a topless beach.

11.  We need to change UNC's colors.

12.  We need, retrospectively, to pardon Tom Dula.  Tom Dooley should not hang down his head, wherever he is in the afterlife.

13.  Hash browns at breakfast should be outlawed.  Grits, you all!

14.  It should be fashionable to have a sofa on the porch for sitting with your dogs.



Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

An orange bra could also serve for die-hard UT fans!

Anonymous said...

Lesser states? Orange brassieres? Sofas on the porch? What is NC's recreational drug of choice?

Anonymous said...

Grits are a disgusting vice.

Deena said...

Does anyone REALLY have any clothes that an orange bra would compliment?

Mike said...

Angel for Governor!

Grand Crapaud said...

The goats will be eternally grateful.

Bilbo said...

1. Grits and hash browns should both be legal.
2. I'd move to Hatteras, except that my experience in Europe tells me that most people who appear topless on beaches ... shouldn't. They should keep their orange bras on.
3. One-ply toilet paper is the eighth Deadly Sin.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I'm amazed (and edified) that you posted the streetcar picture below.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

One-ply paper is the bane of working in institutional settings.

Hash browns are a vice that should be tolerated but not encouraged,

I like Hatteras.

Meredith said...

The previous SC governor should take such a vow.

The Bastard King of England said...

I'm all for topless beaches, Hatteras or elsewhere.

Why not make Hatteras a bottomless beach. It would rhyme.

Bilbo said...

I have nothing against Hatteras ... just against unwarranted toplessness. And of all the vices I might have, I think hash browns are the least objectionable!