Wednesday, July 8, 2015

A Discussion About Euphemisms

It's one of those reasons that obsessive-compulsiveness and prudishness provide an occasion for scrupulosity.  At least it occurred when the ladies were having cafe au lait and beignets at the Café du Monde.

It so happened that Madeline Dupré (the Prophetess), Clotilde Badeaux, Tina Moreau, Marie D'Aquin, Missy Chauvin, and Clara Thibodeaux were having a serious discussion on what to refer to certain natural processes that, you know, real ladies would not mention or mention only circumspectly.  Clearly, all aspired to that status, but were uncertain how to euphemism them away.

Tina: "Well, when I have to go, I say that I have to spend a penny."

Madeline: "But a pay toilet runs at least two bits, so technically that's an untruth," (using another euphemism).

Clotilde: "Can we say 'number one' or 'number two'?"

Marie: "Oh, too much detail.  What next: describing your number two exactly afterwards?"

Madeline: "Isn't it okay to simply say that you have to answer a call of nature?"

Tina: "Cherie, you get a call of nature every time Pete goes to second base with you!"

Madeline was speechless for a bit.

Marie:  "Well, instead of numbers one and two, my brother calls them 'wizzing' and 'dropping a deuce.'

The others noticeably winced.  But one of them speculated on how some former Supreme Court justice got his nickname.  

Missy:  "How about taking a tinkle?"

Marie:  "Maybe if you are also ringing bells."

Clotilde: "Well, how do you deal with referring to, you know, waxing?"

Madeline: "You don't."

Marie: "I say I have to get my legs shaved."

Clara: "But you're not shaving your legs."

Marie: "Well, I just say I'm getting a waxing."

Missy: "Yes, you would feel comfortable in making people think you're getting your floor waxed."

Marie: "Well, do that too."

Clotilde: "Well, you can keep it vague; and say that you need to get your hair styled."

Clara:  "Some say that they're getting the brush cleared for a landing strip or clear-cutting Mount Venus."

Everyone nodded with approval at these.

Missy: "Well, what's a polite way of saying that you want a boob job?"

Madeline: "That expression itself might be misleading to others, as people will think you want a job that even a stupid male could perform."

Clotilde: "The surgeons refer to it as breast enhancement surgery."

Clara: "That's a bit raw, you know."

Madeline: "Would referring to it as technical enhancement be okay?"

Tina: "I like it; it's vague.  And you can use that term to include anything from makeup to wearing a Wonderbra."

By now I hope you realize that the ladies were having a totally nonserious discussion.  The best kind, in these uptight days of 2015, you know.

But then things got weird.

Clotilde: "Hey, we need to take this matter up with Father Devereaux or the Monseigneur.  Now who do we send?"

Madeline: "I say that since we're all raising these moral and decorum questions, we should go to see him as a group."  Madeline was a prophetess, you know; and she knew they would appoint her to raise that question with the good padre.


Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer said...

I like your satire on euphemisms.

John Hill said...

Oh, Angel!
It has been so many years since I've been at the Cafe du Monde. I can see myself sipping on my cafe au lait and smiling as I quietly eves drop on the conversations from the nearby tables.

Cherdo said...

This is great, ha ha. I love a good homespun euphemism.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

They sound like a great group!

Linda Kay said...

So funny....And I'm sure not all that unusual a conversation, but maybe over drinks instead of coffee.

Mike said...

I wonder how many of those conversations with the Father Devereaux's or the Monseigneur's are secretly recorded these days.

allenwoodhaven said...

I had a friend in high school who used to say "Excuse me, I have to go use the euphemism." I still repeat it when needed.

Duckbutt said...

I was in a group that voted on what was acceptable. Taking a crap was OK; shitting was not. Democracy works well with free trading of viewpoints.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

John Hill: It's still a nice place to people watch or listen.

Rammer Jammer and Cherdo: Thank you!

Mike: I'm sure they would be entertaining for priests' gatherings,

Linda Kay: Veritas is in both vino and coffee.

Elvis: A great group is one you can relax inhibitions with.

allenwoodhaven: That's the ultimate euphemism.

Duckbutt: I believe in democracy. Most people I know think boobs are acceptable.

Cloudia said...

Euphemism is a euphemism for lying.
Bobbie Gentry

Bilbo said...

As far as I'm concerned, boobs are WAY more than just acceptable!

Brandi said...

I'm okay with boobs.

Blogoratti said...

That was an interesting read indeed.