Monday, July 13, 2015

A New Kind of Restrictive Apartment Complex

Hector Chasworth, big league real estate developer from New York, had a new vision for a gated apartment complex in a suburb of Atlanta to appeal to a discriminating class of luxury apartment dwellers in that single metropolis of the South: one that would appeal to the target renter identified in marketing research.  Specifically, this was a category of patrician immigrant who resisted strenuously the concept of the melting pot; specifically, they were assigned to the Georgia offices of their companies and did not want to go native or be corrupted by local mores.

In order to accomplish this, the first order would be to have a restricted access, gated community.  So as to maintain the ambiance, the small retail area would have severe restrictions on what kinds of products can be served.  

Specifically, grits and corn muffins could not be served in breakfast-serving restaurants.  Instead, bagels and hash browns were prescribed.

Scrod and roast beef should be on dinner menus; but no bar-b-q.  Taylor ham is very desirable, as is New York pizza.  Tacos are verboten.

Any stores selling alcohol may not sell Tennessee whiskey; and bourbon sold only on a prescription basis.

Service personnel could be hired only if they do not have an obvious Southern accent.  
Also, they should be carefully taught.  (1) The plural of "you" is "youse."  (2) Never say "Ma'am"; say "Yeah, Lady" instead.  (3) Never offer "sweet tea."  If they want it sweetened, dole them a packet or two of sugar instead.  (4) Converse with customers in monosyllables.

Renters are given a set of apartment complex rules:

(1)  No Confederate flags.  Also, American flags are displayable only on National holidays.

(2)  No flags or other symbols of collegiate or professional athletic teams, including on license plates.  But with one exception: new renters are allowed a year's grace to get car tags to replace the old, tacky ones for the likes of UT, Alabama, Georgia, or Georgia Tech.

(3)  No grilling on the porch.  As a matter of fact, porch sitting is discouraged.  Mr. Chasworth is firmly convinced that porch sitting leads to julep drinking.

(4)  No country music, no zydeco, no bluegrass, none of what passes for music in Florida.

(5)  Renters' automobiles cannot be tricked out to look like NASCAR vehicles.

(6)  Pet owners may not have mutts or cayoodles, only pure breeds.  Boston Terriers and Cavalier King Charles Spaniels rate high; hounds are suspect.  Especially hounds that would sun themselves in the driveways or sidewalks should not be seen.

(7)  No front porch furniture, unless certifiably uncomfortable.

(8)  Proper casual dress around the swimming pools and recreation areas is imperative.  Specifically, no cutoff shorts (aka Daisy Dukes), bikinis, athletic team shirts, t-shirts declaring allegiance to a brand of beer, cowboy hats, and other travesties should not be seen.  This is a classy apartment neighborhood!

(9)  No chainsaw-carved large wood decorations for display outdoors.

In short, nothing to challenge or worry this desirable class of renters,  The goal was to make them feel as if they have never left home or have a need to return.  Mr. Chasworth dubbed this prime apartment offering The Hamptons South.  And the short-term renters came as expected, stayed their time in Atlanta, and decamped after two or three years and went back to the North, complete authorities on living in the South and the strange and primitive ways of Southerners.


Cherdo said...

Welcome to crazy town...

John Hill said...

Those restrictions definitely narrow the market...

Linda Kay said...

Certainly would never fly in Texas, Angel. Great commentary, and so visual! Furniture on the porch, so funny.

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

There is a subdivision in the St. Louis area that has restrictions galore. One of them is you must park your car in your garage. No outside parking. And you may only have the garage door open when you are leaving or entering the garage.

Bilbo said...

"And the short-term renters came as expected, stayed their time in Atlanta, and decamped after two or three years and went back to the North, complete authorities on living in the South and the strange and primitive ways of Southerners." Much the same can be said of many military families that live overseas for three years in their American on-base apartments, never leave the base and travel around, then go home and complain that (insert country here) is boring.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Some who come down South are very fearful of the place. Now there are some scary places, like Atlanta or DeKalb Co, AL or Cocke Co, TN. Hell, Birmingham has its bad sections. It's the damn meth labs in the sticks.

Anemone said...

Living in such a habit is very much like living in a plush ghetto or barrio. It's sad what Bilbo said about some military families.

Cloudia said...

And no improper 'mixing' with the Southerners!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Any place with that many rules needs to be raided by an army of baboons.