Monday, August 27, 2012

Garbage Can Thievery

Zeke felt that he was destined for a life of crime. However, he wanted to make his Mama proud by being a particularly clever and distinctive thief. After all, "My son Zeke the auto stealer" or "My son Zeke the purse snatcher" does sound kind of uninteresting and ordinary.

Also, some lines of crime are hard to break into: The drug lords do expect to have and enforce a monopoly; and the local doxies actively discouraged Zeke with two black eyes when he offered to be their pimp. Even though Zeke was primarily drawn into pimpdom by the prospect of the cool threads, he needed to work out at the gym more.  Being a pimp is a high-impact exercise.

Ditto for kidnapping. Sometimes victims may too enthusiastically resist being taken. Besides, kidnapping got the FBI involved; and unlike their frequent television portrayal, they tend to be very effective. No, you don't want to go up against a Big Ten or SEC team when you're just an Ivy League-level criminal!

Internet crime was, alas, beyond that ability level of Zeke, who was in the Below Average range of intellectual functioning. At least he did have above a room-temp IQ. so there were some profitable areas of crime he could manage!  Most criminals are not Rhodes scholars.

Now Zeke decided that a successful thief should have a unique product. Was there anything unrecorded as a topic of theft? Zeke thought of one.

There was no competition for garbage can thieves. He could snatch them and hold them for ransom! That was where he would make his mark! And, unlike kidnapping, the FBI has absolutely no interest in garbage can kidnapping. Unless, of course, you happen to steal the garbage cans from a Federal Building!

Zeke lined up a number of fences. It seems that there was a use for the garbage cans. They could also be employed as mobile meth labs, especially in the boondocks of the Tennessee hills.

Zeke really needed to work out one of the details. He learned that it was best to steal the cans only immediately after garbage pickup, and not later on in the pickup cycle. There was the little problem of dealing with the refuse!

Zeke made a miscalculation, though. The Feebes got interested in his nefarious activities when he sold his pilfered garbage cans in another state. Specifially, they dragged him before the bar of justice, and charged him with transporting garbage cans across state lines for immoral purposes!

Right now Hurricane Isaac is directly aimed at Louisiana or Western Mississippi.  I hope it's not a bad one.  Aug. 29th is the seventh anniversary of Katrina.


Mike said...

The weather people are getting all excited about this one being possibly worse than Katrina.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I hope New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are spared the worst from Isaac.

Nice story, Angel!

Bilbo said...

Very cleverly done story. I hope that none of your relatives are in danger from fingers are crossed for you and them.

Duckbutt said...

Very fun and well-structured story. I like that term, room temp I.Q.

I hope your family is spared a bad wind and water from Isaac.

Big Sky Heidi said...

Best wishes for a less eventful hurricane this time. That was a most harrowing experience last time.

BTW, great story!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thanks for your wishes, guys. I'm away from New Orleans this time; but I wish I was with my family.