Monday, August 13, 2012

How to Dress Like You're Easy in The Big Easy

New Orleans attracts a large number of tourists per year, some to see the Old World charm of the Vieux Carre, some because of the lively jazz, zydeco, or industrial music scene, some for the outstanding dining, both haute cuisine and everyday fare, but many because in their minds it's a place to have a moral holiday: time off from the usual inhibitions of living in your home base, be it Jackson, Mississippi or Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  Or especially from places like Gadsden, Alabama, Muncie, Indiana, or Omaha, Nebraska!  It's like "What happens in ________ stays in _______, without having to fly over the Rockies!

After all, this is where many of those legendary "Girls Gone Wild" videos were made.  These can still be seen in art houses in the artsy fartsy districts of New York or Chicago.

So, if you're a young, adventuresome female spirit, what to wear?  Let the climate be your first guide.  New Orleans is hot(!) eight months of the year; and humid much of the time also.  The word "sultry" is often used as a descriptor.

But another rule, wherever you are, is to dress appropriately for the activity you have planned.  Since you're planning a trip to New Orleans, and you are going for a naughty weekend, then don't dress like you're going to a Sunday School class!

Here's a few tips, for the fashionista on the wild side:

1.  Wear bright, flamboyant colors: let red, orange, and yellow dominate on your sartorial palette.

2.  Wear clunky shoes or sandals.  The object is to be noticed!

3.  Daisy Dukes are not just for hanging out with good ole boys in the Southern backwoods!  Accessorize them with hose, preferably black or blue mesh.  Even better: red mesh hose, if you can get it.

4.  Dress like you're on the Walk of Shame, even if you have to put on your W.O.S. outfit fresh in the morning.  The whole object is to look like you partied all night, and possibly woke up the next day in somewhere disreputable.  [Some people from the Midwest might think, "You did.  In New Orleans.]

5.  Keeping that look in mind, avoid the meticulously brushed or coiffured look for your hair.  Looking somewhat dishevelled or mussed up contributes to that over all gestalt.

6.  Make up should be haphazard.  You should wear some, but it be out-so-slightly messy. 

7.  Substitute halters or bikini tops made up of thin, possibly semitransparent, fabric for the blouses or dresses you normally wear.  Or, if you're in a tropic mood, wear a seashell bikini top!  This would go well with having a Hurricane at Pat O'Brien's. 

8.  If you're wearing a thong, let the whale tail be seen.  And no subdued thong colors, please!

9.  Likewise, if you have a tramp stamp, display it proudly!

10.  Cleavage is always a good display strategy, especially Australian cleavage.

11.  If you wear a t-shirt, wearing one with a suggestive message helps sustain this impression, such as these:

    a.  I'm not a slut; I'm just very popular
    b.  Guess my size
    c.  I wish these were brains
    d.  Sex:  Do it for the kids
    e.  My boyfriend is out of town
    f.  Buy me things and I'll be nicer
    g.  I pooped today!
    h.  Recovered virgin
    i.  I'm not having my period, and I'm clean.

12.  Unfortunately, dressing like a prostitute is no longer an option.  The Local Prostitutes and Panderers Union has established a dress code that was intended to confer more professionalism, and they now dress in casual country club clothes.

13.  On the other hand, you may obtain that special look from various stores and internet outlets, including this one:

14.  Wearing large numbers of Mardi Gras beads in the French Quarter is a strong hint of easiness, especially if there was no Mardi Gras parade that day!

15.  Well, that's it.  And remember to tip the N.O.P.D. representative when he arrests you, should you exceed the admittedly easy bounds of The Big Easy!


Hell Hound said...

Great raunchy humour! You kicked serious ass with this one!

Anonymous said...

This is not the Prophetess.....

John said...

Looking forward to pics of your next visit to New Orleans...

Grand Crapaud said...

This was a real hoot (er)!

Bilbo said...

"The Local Prostitutes and Panderers Union." Do they also represent a constituency in Washington?

Sinner Bob said...

A fine piece, and thanks for the link to Slutwear.

This one looks damned fine:

Clarissa said...

Great ideas for what to wear in New Orleans. It must be wonderful to live in an un-uptight place like that!

Some of the Slutwear club outfits were cute, too! Not for Peoria, though.

Mike said...

I had to look up 'Australian cleavage'. Thank goodness for the urban dictionary.

Deena said...

I hope this was written seriously. :-)

Big Sky Heidi said...

Australan cleavage is the foolproof sign of aluttish tendencies.

Duckbutt said...

Great tongue in cheek humor.

John said...

Mike, I have to admit that I had to look up "Australian cleavage" as well. However, I chose to use Google's image search over the urban dictionary.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

John -- When I go, it's to visit my family.

Bilbo -- They're Local #1.

Deena -- I was being nonserious.

Bob -- I agree; but for the full-bosomed.

Clarissa -- I agree; some are cute but daring.

Thanks for the reinforcements, all!

Big Sky Heidi said...

It's a lot easier to look easy in Knoxville.

Meredith said...

In short, dress like an off duty stripper?

Anonymous said...

I liked the irony of this post on your blog.

Anonymous said...

I would squeeze that ass!

Bunny said...

It takes talent and cunning to dress convincingly easy! Shop at Sluts R Us, maybe.