Saturday, August 25, 2012

Advice to Guys in Preparing for That First Apartment Visit

Okay, you've been dating her for an acceptable period of time that both of you have strong indications that yours is progressing into a serious relationship, and you're ready to move it up to the next level, if you know what I mean.  How do you prepare for that first time in which she enters into your personal space?  Now you might have thought in terms of your lady friend getting into your car as coming into your personal space, but this is several magnitudes above. 

You wouldn't want her to see your car with beer cans and gum wrappers on the floor boards, would you?  Most of us would take that sight as thoughtlessness, if not actual disrespect!  [Throwaway hint: washing your car is a good move; waxing it is primo!  We notice!]  Anyway, your apartment gives a big, seriously big, set of clues about your inner life and morals.  Is it relatively tidy, or is it in a disarray?  Having a sink of dirty dishes or empty pizza boxes on the floor is the moral requivalent of not brushing your teeth regularly.

Decorate your apartment with understated taste.  No, you do not have to go in for expensive pictures or objects de arte; a few tasteful prints will do.  An Impressionist or Dutch Master or two, and some carvings for the coffee table will instantly convert your stock motel-appearing apartment into a home for a guy!  But no nudes, please!  Nothing porn.  I know all about Rule 34; but restrain yourself!  And nothing satirical, either.  It's hard to distinguish between that Deadhead art that you intended as a ironic statement from actual bad taste!  Curtains complete that actual liveable look!  

Books and magazines should be in evidence.  Beware of conveying the impression that you recently sanitized your apartment to avoid any personal disclosure.  Try to make it seem that (a) you have broad, mature interests; (b) this is actually how you really live; and (c) you are someone that it would be nice to be better acquainted with.  What would work with me?  News and scientific magazines, possibly hobbyist ones like for photography or art.  Popular best-selling books, as well as enduring ones of philosophy.  Nothing unseemly that you would be ashamed for your mother to see.  As a matter of fact, when in doubt, use the Mom Rule!

And not the Drunken Fraternity Brother or the Decadent Older Brother Rule!

Whether or not this is the first time a female is to enter your premises, sanitize evidence of previous visits.  Somehow, a peignoir hanging in the closet or a bra hanging on the towel rack doesn't work very well. Likewise, check your medicine cabinet.  No dangerous drugs, industrial-strength psychologically altering drugs, or birth control means should be available.  We're good at detection; which is why so many television detection series feature female protagonists!  Do you want Emily Deschanel on your case?

Worst case scenario:  You have a Love Doll in your closet.

Music is a possible pitfall; so let me walk you through.  Eminem and other rappers, mysogenic industrial musical groups, and fools like the Insane Clown Posse or Limp Bizkit are bad bets.  Likewise, you might really like show tunes; but let her become assured of your sexual orientation before you sing about a few of your favorite things!  Middle-of-the-road pop or country, or classic rockers are safe bets.  Did I blaspheme by implying that the Rolling Stones are safe bets?  Well, they are if you wish to get some satisfaction from the average late teen or twenties miss!  Classical composers that almost always pass muster are Mozart, Beethoven, and Tchiakovsky.  Ravel's Bolero is risky! 

As a bonus tip, never, never, never have anything by Barry White for music.  This is typically deconstructed as follows:  'He is just trying to get me in his bed, and he thinks I'm stupid enough for this music to work!'

What to have to drink?  A nice Chardonnet or Pinot Noir, or perhaps a Merlot would serve as tasteful wines.  For stronger beverages, I recommend vodka, rum, or gin.  Mojitos or Cosmopolitans, if you can get a nice set of mixings. 

Don't assume that, if she comes to your lair, it's for sex; she might simply be curious or wish to extend the evening.  And if she demurs, accept it with grace.  By doing so, you have demonstrated that you are a trustworthy gentleman.

Finally, if she does spend the night, be a hero and have a new toothbrush and a fresh bar of soap and towel in the bathroom. 

And prepare her a nice romantic breakfast!  A single rose bud in a vase would work nicely!

A little unconnected langiappe:
Canyon High School in Orange County, CA recently had a "Señores and Señoritas Day," an event where students were encouraged to don Latino-themed attire,  However, several students this spring arrived to campus dressed as gang members, gardeners, border patrol agents and pregnant teens.  The event has been canceled in the future, and administrators at the school will have to undergo sensitivity training.
Surely anyone who has been around schools could have predicted something like that would happen.  Do they have a school psychologist in the loop?


Deena said...

Well, you definitely expect the princess treatment!


Has that ever happened, or do you have a rich fantasy life?

Meredith said...

Visiting his apartment is not an option if you have two pre-teen daughters. Nor is being very quiet.

Mike said...

'..she enters into your personal space..'

She does WHAT!?

Anonymous said...

The opinion of guys is that if you can get her in, you can get her in your bed!

Big Sky Heidi said...

Well, a guy going to those lengths would make me feel like a princess!

eViL pOp TaRt said...

I wrote this, part in humor, part in seriousness. Maybe it was not very successful. I hope I did not offend.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Very good advice. THank you, Angel. You're an angel.

Bilbo said...

My earlier comment seems to have vanished into the ether. I had just commented that most men would probably not take your advice. I have always found that a little preparation goes a long way in pleasing the ladies.