Monday, January 30, 2012

Thoughts of Crazy Chester

Crazy Chester is an everyday commentator and philosopher in New Orleans, in addition to taking bets.  He usually sits before the door and speaks as he pleases.  Usually, he does so in an agreeable way -- but there was the time of the great coffee shortage.

1.  You can deal with a day without weed; but a day without coffee is a crying shame.
2.  Don't drive a pimpmobile to take your Momma to church.
3.  Not everbody sportin' LSU colors went there.
4.  Expecting your boss to understand your being late is like expecting good food in Indiana.
5.  Politicians go into lying like a preacher eating chicken.

6.  If your lady's a stripper, you got to learn to live with other dudes lookin'.
7.  Don't let the bastards get you down, taxes will.
8.  Good exercise is not a lot of fun.
9.  If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
10.  Luxury is relative: sometimes all you need is a nice, warm bed.

11.  Be noisy; if you're quiet, you're only partly living.
12.  Pay attention to barking dogs and sleeping cats.
13.  Try to make at least one person besides yourself happy.
14.  If it's not right, then don't do it; if it's not true, then don't say it.
15.  Don't bet more than you can afford to lose.

16.  Don't eat from the tamale carts unless you're okay about dog food.
17.  I don't really want a sea cruise.  Would a ride on the Algiers ferry count?
18.  Asking a politician for solutions to everyday problems is like asking a nun to handicap a horse.
19.  Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.
20.  Confidence is what you have before you understand the situation.

21.  Love thuy neighbor, but don't get caught.
22.  Love your enemies; it will confuse the hell out of them.
23.  A man is as unhappy as he convinces himself to be.
24.  New Orleans is a beautiful lady wearin' dirty underwear.
25.  The trouble with nekkid dancing is that not everything stops when your dancing stops.

26.  A smart man always remembers his lady's birthday but never her age.
27.  I drink to make other people interesting.
28.  Old Tom's purpose in life is to serve as a bad example to others.
29.  Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
30.  Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

31.  Money will make me happy.  I'm easy
32.  When people talk about "true facts," I wonder about those "false facts."
33.  I was told that I was gullible ... and I believed them.
34.  Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the expressway.
35.  Can I be totally partial?

36.  If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
37.  Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
38.  Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
39.  Experience and paper wrappers is the what you have left when everything else is gone.
40.  What if there were no hypothetical questions?

41.  A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
42.  What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
43.  My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
44.  Politics is like betting on the horses; it's the fine art of persuading people that there is an easy, happy solution.
45.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

46.  The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
47.  God made weed because he wanted us to entertain him.
48.  How can there be self-help "groups"; isn't self-help when you do it by your lonesome?
49.  Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them.
50.  Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

51.  It’s good to be clever, but not to show it.
52.  Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
53.  One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool.
54.  Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
55.  Don't under estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

56.  I only work to enjoy when I am not working.
57.  No one is listening until you fart.
58.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
59.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
60.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

61.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
62.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
63.  It's all water under the fridge.
64.  High-toned women will be the end of me.
65.  You never get in trouble by reading a book: you ain't saying nothin', and you ai't breakin' no laws.

66.  They should serve beer at lunchtime in high school.  For teachers.
67.  Weather will happen, whether I watch it on television or not.
68.  I turn my phone off during election time.


Anonymous said...

I like the advice about the pimpmobile...

Bilbo said...

"You never get in trouble by reading a book: you ain't saying nothin', and you ain't breakin' no laws." Unless, of course, you're reading your copy of Playboy during English class...not that I've done that, you understand.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Great advice and commentary -- especially about loaning $20.

Grand Crapaud said...

These were great!

Hell Hound said...

Duck tape is good enough for me. I like the New Orleans humor, evil pop tart.