Thoughts of Crazy Chester

Crazy Chester is an everyday commentator and philosopher in New Orleans, in addition to taking bets.  He usually sits before the door and speaks as he pleases.  Usually, he does so in an agreeable way -- but there was the time of the great coffee shortage.

1.  You can deal with a day without weed; but a day without coffee is a crying shame.
2.  Don't drive a pimpmobile to take your Momma to church.
3.  Not everbody sportin' LSU colors went there.
4.  Expecting your boss to understand your being late is like expecting good food in Indiana.
5.  Politicians go into lying like a preacher eating chicken.


6.  If your lady's a stripper, you got to learn to live with other dudes lookin'.
7.  Don't let the bastards get you down, taxes will.
8.  Good exercise is not a lot of fun.
9.  If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
10.  Luxury is relative: sometimes all you need is a nice, warm bed.


11.  Be noisy; if you're quiet, you're only partly living.
12.  Pay attention to barking dogs and sleeping cats.
13.  Try to make at least one person besides yourself happy.
14.  If it's not right, then don't do it; if it's not true, then don't say it.
15.  Don't bet more than you can afford to lose.


16.  Don't eat from the tamale carts unless you're okay about dog food.
17.  I don't really want a sea cruise.  Would a ride on the Algiers ferry count?
18.  Asking a politician for solutions to everyday problems is like asking a nun to handicap a horse.
19.  Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.
20.  Confidence is what you have before you understand the situation.


21.  Love thuy neighbor, but don't get caught.
22.  Love your enemies; it will confuse the hell out of them.
23.  A man is as unhappy as he convinces himself to be.
24.  New Orleans is a beautiful lady wearin' dirty underwear.
25.  The trouble with nekkid dancing is that not everything stops when your dancing stops.


26.  A smart man always remembers his lady's birthday but never her age.
27.  I drink to make other people interesting.
28.  Old Tom's purpose in life is to serve as a bad example to others.
29.  Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
30.  Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

31.  Money will make me happy.  I'm easy
32.  When people talk about "true facts," I wonder about those "false facts."
33.  I was told that I was gullible ... and I believed them.
34.  Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the expressway.
35.  Can I be totally partial?

36.  If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
37.  Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
38.  Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
39.  Experience and paper wrappers is the what you have left when everything else is gone.
40.  What if there were no hypothetical questions?

41.  A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
42.  What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
43.  My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
44.  Politics is like betting on the horses; it's the fine art of persuading people that there is an easy, happy solution.
45.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

46.  The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
47.  God made weed because he wanted us to entertain him.
48.  How can there be self-help "groups"; isn't self-help when you do it by your lonesome?
49.  Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them.
50.  Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

51.  It’s good to be clever, but not to show it.
52.  Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
53.  One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool.
54.  Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
55.  Don't under estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

56.  I only work to enjoy when I am not working.
57.  No one is listening until you fart.
58.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
59.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
60.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

61.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
62.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
63.  It's all water under the fridge.
64.  High-toned women will be the end of me.
65.  You never get in trouble by reading a book: you ain't saying nothin', and you ai't breakin' no laws.

66.  They should serve beer at lunchtime in high school.  For teachers.
67.  Weather will happen, whether I watch it on television or not.
68.  I turn my phone off during election time.

Sports Fans

Just for the heck of it, let's celebrate a late 20th and early 21st century phenomenon:  attendees at sports events dressing in costume as their form of participation.  Think of it as a form of socially accepted display of histrionic tendencies that keep them from being drama queens in daily life, or having a full-barrelled case of the histrionic personality.  This is very similar to the phenomena of Mardi Gras, cosplay, costume parties, and other occasions for self-display.

I have been informed that SERIOUS fans can even be buried in a casket with the lining in the colors and logo of their favorite team!  Now that would possibly cause future archeologists to puzzle over what cult artifacts they discovered.

These Saints fans are a little over

the top, even for New Orleans.

German soccer fans channeling

The Cat in the Hat.

These Senior Bowl fans are doing this

in early January, even if it is Mobile.  I didn't know

Alabamians wore sombreros!  Can we

rescind their statehood?

A Dutch sports fan, for reasons only to him,

dressed as an American Indian.  Is scalping of tickets allowed there?

Some guys attending football games do so bare-chested

in frigid weather, as these Old Dominion University stalwarts.

             
                Oakland Raider fans, like Oakland itself,  are especially scary.
                              Not a good idea in well-regulated families.

More of the same, plus a comparison to cosplay.

Coslay events generally occur indoors.

These ladies hope that Britainnia rules the

soccer field as well as the waves.  And they

would not rule the yobs' attentions!

   
                             Sometimes sports fans editorialize.

                                                      
                          Can we describe her outfit as a little cheesy?

                   

                                     "The horror, the horror!"
                                           --Joseph Conrad

Paranoia

The current American Psychiatric Association terminology is "Delusional Disorder," but this is commonly called paranoia.  Built into this concept is the notion of extreme suspiciousness, coupled with delusional thinking: delusions of persecution, grandeur, or of reference.  The nosological system is further complicated, with the concept of "paranoid personality disorder" (undue or extreme suspiciousness, but no active delusions).


Here's where the complications come in:  We inhabit different social environments; some in which the expectations of mutual honesty and trust is fairly high, and others in which secrecy and disinformation is part of the game.  We may go from one of these settings to another, and in doing so the perceptual rules change.  I should trust my boyfriend, and I do.  But I'm skeptical of claims in advertisements.  In my opinion, a true paranoid is indiscriminate in how she or he deals with those diverse situations.  But there's another aspect:  paranoid thinking can become a habit because it's adaptive in a person's occupational or social or marital setting.  So there's a tendency to generalize to other situations.  And, in turn, sour one's outlook on life.


But there's another thing.  For much of human evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in small bands or clans, and meeting strangers was a rare and possibly dangerous event.  Not just for cavepersons, but even up to modern times.  Meeting a stranger could have negative consequences: (a) he could kill or maim you, (b) he could rape you, (c) he could steal your stuff, and even (d) eat you.  Consequently, xenophobia (fear of strangers) is built into humans.  But is sure plays hell with living in a mass society.


Somewhere I read that paranoids have real enemies too.  Part of the problem is what the paranoid-thinking person does in response to his or her paranoia.  Does that person act abrupt or aggressive to others, have scary beliefs, write crank letters to newspapers or post bizarre content on the internet, hold up signs with messages that could be taken as an implied threat, such as:


"We came unarmed this time."


You know, seeing that particular message caused my mind to go into overdrive.  It's one think to express publicly dissatisfaction with our system of government, but it's another thing to imply an active overthrow of our institutions.  Yes, you: Tea Partiers and Occupy Whatever types.  You scare the Hell out of me.

That, to me, is the heart of the problem with paranoia: paranoia is a contagious disorder.  And, unfortunately, the collective media feeds this emotional reaction at times.  And we have a total absence of civility in our national political dialogue.  Should it be any surprise that there is this degree of mutual distrust?

A Thought Regarding California Girls

Well East coast girls are hip
I really dig those styles thy wear
And the Southern girls with the way they talk
They knock my out when I'm down there.

the Mid-west farmer's daughters
really make you feel alright

And the Northern girls with the way they kiss

They keep their boyfriends warm at night

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California

I wish they all could be California girls

The West coast has the sunshine

And the girls all get so tanned

I dig a French bikini on Hawaii island

Dolls by a palm tree in the sand

Thus the Beach Boys, in their oldie song, characterize girls in different parts of the country.  I have to wonder about a few things:

1)  Aren't they rather superficial as to hipness, judging the East Coast girls as being that way because of their clothing?  Isn't that more a reflection of affluence?

2)  Just how do those Mid-west farmers' daughters make them feel alright?  How many bases do they allow?

3)  And what is it about the kisses of Northern girls?  Do they French kiss?  Are their boyfriends easily febrile?

4)  However, the part of my greatest concern has to be what Southern girls do for them:  They knock them out by talking!

Now, I have a Southern acccent; but its partly Cajun and partly Yatspeak.  Not rendolent of moonlight and magnolias.  Anyway, the Beach Boys are of an earlier time.  But when the song came out, it was during Mom's girlhood.  (As a matter of fact, she has recounted fond memories of the Beach Boys when she was young.) 

Obviously, she was not a California girl.  Still, it would have been nice to think that she could have dazzled those surfin' troubadors, for her sake.

But who would have been an example of a 1960's-era California girl?

Doing a little math, I figured it out that the California girls sung about by the Beach Boys would be in their sixties or seventies today.  Now let's see?

Linda Ronstadt?  She was cute.  But, no, she was born in Phoenix. 

Nancy Pelosi?  Now that's a warped thought, Botox Nancy in a French bikini!  No, rest easy.  She came from Baltimore.

Barbara Boxer?  No, she came from New York.

What is this?  Is California ruled by non-natives?

Oh well, California girls from a later time developed into quality cougar material: Cameron Diaz, Courtney Cox, Carmen Electra.  Maybe the Beach Boys were just jumping the gun a bit.

   

The Stolen Hipness Act

It's a recurrent phenomenon: it seems that more people claim to have been in attendance at some significant really, really cool cultural event than possibly could have been there.  I suppose the prototypical example is that of the number of persons who claim to be at Woodstock: certainly several times more than 400,000 claim to have been there.  Some might have, theoretically, in the form of sperm or ova as yet to make their acquaintance.

Well, Senator Fooze is not happy with this phenomenon, and he is taking stern action to make it stop, yessiree!  Like no bull, here!  The Senator had a cow on this stolen hipness phenomenon up to here, and drafted legislation to correct this growing cultural problem!

Accordingly, if his legislation is passed, it would be unlawful to claim that one had been present at some seminal cultural, historical event unless they could produce bona fide proof of their attendance, or to claim their early adoption of some cool trend unless they can prove without a doubt that they were in the vanguard.

As Senator Fooze observed, "This legislation is intended to restore America to its level of hipness lost since the glorious days of the hair bands in the 1980's.  Think of it as the All Non-Hip Adults Left Behind Act!"

A part of the act would include a National Registry of Cool Events, People, or Sites.  Now let the partisan politics begin!  And they won't be genteel.  Will Twisted Sister make the list?  How about Enya?  Does attending Burning Man constitute hipness, or is a parvenu activity like Mooning Amtrak?  Never fewar: Congress will spell it out.

Voting Bra

Triumph International's Voter Turnout Lift-UP! bra is designed to look like a Japanese voting box and comes with bottoms made of ballots. The lingerie's wearer or admirers can cast their ballots by peeling off a ticket and casting it in the bodice. A pencil case on a string is available when the voters make their decisions.  Isn't the combination of democracy and marketing grand?  Or maybe we should remember Henry David Thoreau's words: "Beware of enterprises requiring new clothes."

A Triumph International spokesperson was quoted as saying, "While increasing interest in getting people to vote, we also developed a bra that would dramatically raise the national interest in the bust."  As if it needed doing.  We;;, they did not make a bust of it. 

This silver metallic concept number, though, might have some features that cause politicians to remember those days when you could stuff the ballot box, like in Chicago.  Each of these custom-made bras supposedly retails for a hefty $494.  It does not have the same kind of problems that plagued Florida in the 2000 election. 

Here in the U.S.A. we have a bra available for patriotic female voters to express their support for our electoral system on election day and feel uplifted in the process.  More demure demoiselles might avoid wearing sheer blouses, or at least consider a matching patriotic camisole.  The bras sold in Chcago can be stuffed, if there is a need to turn a close election.  

Obviously, this festive bra could be worn on other days as well.....like the Fourth ofJuly, or if Wonder Woman needs an alternative costume. 

Fight Internet Censorship Day

SPOA

Write or e-mail Congress and express  opposition to the so-called Stop Online Piracy Act

This is the time to stand up and be counted! 

Remind them that this year is an election year --

and we're voting!