Gloria the Superheroine

Crime is so rampant nowadays, that Gloria, Uptown Girl Extraordinaire, decided to go into the superhero business. Except she declared herself to be a superheroine. No quibbling about gender-free nouns for her; she was for cutting to the chase.

And she was more than ready for the chase: she could run a 220 in 25 seconds, which was good enough for government work dealing with the garden variety hoodlums in the Metro Area! And she had karate skills: having a brown belt in karate and advancing to the coveted black belt! Yes, Ma'am; Gloria was able to kick ass and take names afterward! She was skilled with nunchucks, and a menace with the throwing stars!

                               

Being a proper superheroine, she designed an appropriate cat suit for herself; a white body suit with an angry red bird emblazoned on it to endow her chest! You might say she played it close to the chest! This having been done, she named herself The Angry Bird! And occasionally appeared at afternoon teas in costume!  

Alas, Uptown was a comparatively crime-free area, until a rash of garden gnome kidnappings started to take place.  The local police were helpless as this gnome kidnapping activity went on. But who would want so many gnomes?

Gloria applied her deductive reasoning skills. Clearly, it would be someone with an audacious tendency to villany! But who? Fraternity boys? Henchpersons of drug lords? Rotarians gone bad? Never mind that gnomes were overused as a decoration motif; a crime is a crime. Considering the scope, it had to be an organized enterprise! So she staked out a yard with a prominent gnome, and waited one dark night. And another.

Finally, they came. Oh my God! There were four of them! So Gloria leaped over a hedge, twirling her nunchuck over her head. Who were these rude figures? They held up garbage can lids as she was about to smite them soundly with her trusty nunchuck! Clang! Clang! Clang! Thud! She did hit one of the gnome-napping goons; and the rest ran off! 

For a minute, and then reality came into the picture! You just don't get very far into a chase if you're wearing heels! So Gloria fell unceremoniously on her shapely tush! (She chose her outfit to complement her figure.) Clearly, this was not a workable plan!

So she modified her look and wore flats instead. The following night she caught a burglar, and afterwards caught a gumball-thieving ring! No matter how fleet of foot were the miscreants, Gloria caught 'em. You betcha! 

And she went in for big-time crooks, including those not plying their Uptown trade. Despite her outrageously successful enterprise, the tide of favorability began to change. The Uptown Crowd had a list of particulars: (1) Gloria was not content to fight the genteel crime of the Uptown neighborhood, but had branched out into the badlands of Downtown and the suburbs. (2) Her outfit was déclassé form-fitting, a problem especially since Fall was coming on. Uptown girls don't dress that way! (3) A proper lady does not get mentioned in newspapers except in the Society section. (4) She committed the sin of wearing flats. Never mind that Det. Kate Beckett successfully pursued villains and kicked down doors on Castle while wearing heels, real life was too complicated for that fashion grace!

So after this tale of a superheroine, I figure Gloria at least rates a song: