Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Statue of the Ideal Teenager

Piney Woods, Mississippi was fortunate in having an anonymous donor contribute a sizeable amount of money with the provision that it be spent on sculpture for the town square.  The City Council, glad to have this largesse, even if the donor specified how the money was to be spent, actively took up the topic of what the statue should represent.

Unfortunately, Piney Woods was a rather dull, lackluster place.  The local politicians were the usual venal and obtuse ones: not history-makers like Lucius Quintius Cincinnatus Lamar, the local authors had to self-publish (no one like William Faulkner came from there), and the Confederate company spent the Civil War actively marching away to avoid any encounters with the invading Yankees, who weren't too energetic in finding the Rebs, either. 

Finally, a Councilman suggested that they should commission an allegorical statue instead.  But other communities had allegorical statues representing Justice, Democracy, Truth, and even The Naked Truth.  The Piney Woods Statue Committee wanted a new allegorical statue not seen in other places.

Finally, the token schoolteacher suggested that they consider a statue to the Ideal Teenager.  Now that entirely threw a new way of thinking into the situation.  The committee members argued how this figure should be represented. 

Should the Ideal Teenager be a she; and would she have a Goth look, or wear Daisy Dukes?  Should she be depicted with her hair in a Hattiesburg perm?  If a guy, should he be wearing a hoodie, or holey jeans, or possibly low-rise pants?  And should he have a mullet?

Fortunately, some closet comic book fan Councilman suggested that none of the local teens even approximated ideal, and that the best choice would be that old-fashioned comic teen, Archie.  Even better, one with Archie and Betty.

What a great idea!  Piney Woods could become famous by explicitly signaling what an ideal teen would be like.  And, though a unicorn statue would be more believable, a statue of the Ideal Teens was placed in  the Square.  There were two ideas: the Heroic Archie, and Archie and Betty in love.  Both had their adherents.

And the tourists came and wondered.


Grand Crapaud said...

What passed for the local plutocrat would have held out for one of Veronica and Archie.

Bilbo said...

I'd have held out for Magnus, the Robot Fighter, but probably no one remembers him except me.

TexWisGirl said...


Anonymous said...

That's about what they would do in backwards Mississippi...

Mike said...

I think a she goth with a pony tailed mullet would bring in the tourists.

Cloudia said...

Another fun romp! (All the logical authors self published, the local battles desultory...)

Thanks, you Wicked Pastry;-)

eViL pOp TaRt said...

THank you, Cloudia.

Mike, that sounds like a great alternative idea.