A few years ago, I proposed that the State of Louisiana should issue to each woman in the state, on having reached her 18th birthday, two coupons: one for a perfect, romantic, solemn wedding and the other for a tacky, fun wedding.
Lately, while looking through bridal magazines, I encountered several honeymooner-oriented places in the Poconos and in Wisconsin that featured bridal suites with heart-shaped beds and Jacuzzi hot tubs to ensure an utterly romantic setting for that first occasion for those, uh, intimate relations! I wondered if this was one of the romantic customs of Easterners, whose ways and mores I had only a nodding acquaintance. Anyway, like Korea's Jeju Love Land this seems to be a charming celebration of coitus!
Do these extravagant and bizzare romantic fripperies serve to disinhibit the possible shy couples from this occasion, or is it another part of the good humor that emerges in the course of the marriage of true minds? And what other surprises await the blushing bride and groom? X-rated movies on television? Quart-sized containers of K-Y Jelly? Heart-shaped waffles at breakfast? Maybe the poached eggs or omelets can be made with a heart-shaped pattern? Sappy romantic tunes played during dinner and the entertainment? There's plenty of room for creative excess.
And maybe that will give the happy couple another topic to talk about, not to mention tidbits that can be shared with friends and family upon their return to the everyday.
Folks, you owe it to all to be able to share with them truly surprising, if not bizarre, stories of your honeymoon experience. They don't want to hear about the tennis courts or the beach. Only lightly allude to the sex, especially to impressionable aunts and randy uncles. Remember, you had them come to your conventional wedding, with the priest, rabbi, or minister instead of the Elvis impersonator, the traditional bridal music, exchange of rings, the genteel kiss at the altar, and all behaving with utter decorum. Therefore, you need to make up to them by having a completely off the wall honeymoon to enjoy, to tell them about afterwards, and later to tell your granddaughters. Don't just go to a resort on the Gulf Coast; go full romantic and go to the Poconos!