A Modest Proposal for Weddings

Let's be honest. Weddings are a chick/woman thing. After all, it calls for new clothing, ceremony, being the center of attention, and global participation by many interested females. Besides, it gives something for us to talk about! Ahhh . . . . the shadowy mists of silence are dispelled.

But, there are two major Platonic categories of weddings: (a) The Perfect Wedding, to be conducted in a candle-lit church. The bride is decked out in virginal white, with demure veil and is escorted down the aisle by her impeccably-dressed father to her impeccably tux-dressed fiancé and to a priest or minister who is completely sober and capable of performing his/her office with sincerity and aplomb. The ceremony is beautiful and meaningful: and is performed without a hitch. Everyone behaves well afterwards, even mothers and mothers-in-laws; and the mild shedding of tears are those of joy. Smutty thoughts do not enter anyone's mind, must less be blurted out at the reception afterward (where champagne is politely drunk). This is the bride's apotheosis: it calls for perfection!

However, we must also recognize that many people have a place in their hearts and memories for the (b) Tacky Wedding. After all, what is this passion for the Wedding Chapels, being married by singing Elvises as ministers, and in such unromantic places as Las Vegas? This kind of wedding almost requires raucous bachelor or bachelorette parties, complete with coarse entertainment and presents. It should desirably begin with mutual intoxication on the part of the couple in question, coupled with a trip to a state that requires no blood test or waiting period. Naturally, alcohol must be copiously consumed by all; and how many cousins or aunts or uncles get rendered hors de combat makes for part of the legend. Someone should object to the nuptials vociferously, and this should lead to a general brawl that eventually makes an appearance on Cops. In short, it should give the family and friends something to talk about forever.

It's even better if the bride or groom pulls the plug on it after 55 hours!

Therefore, I propose the following: the State of Louisiana shall issue, upon a woman attaining the age of eighteen, two coupons: one for a perfect wedding, and one for a tacky wedding. These may be used by her at any time in her life. Her choice would dictate the setting and decorum of all in attendance. For example, if she played the Perfect Wedding one, everybody would have to behave well, even teenaged nephews dragooned into wearing tuxedoes. (And said person is furthermore forbidden to call it a monkey suit under pain of being forever banished from polite or even impolite female company.)

Louisiana did break ground years ago with its introduction of the Covenant Marriage. Now all we need is to get the Catholic and Baptist Churches to sign off on this two wedding idea . . . .