Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Fairy Tale

Yeah, peeps, fairies exist; and you better do your "I believe in fairies" or more is going to come down beside Tinker Bell dying. I never could stand her back in Fairy School anyway. She had too much of a 'tude, like, you know?

Oh, you didn't know? We have a school. It looks like any nondescript girls' academy, except we really earn our wings there, y'know? Anyway, we wear those long gray skirts, white blouses, and dorky two-toned saddle oxfords. We spend our time studying Fairy Science and other good things. Occasionally a parent comes to enroll her daughter, and we get a new recruit that way. You better believe it! What normal girl is going to blow the whistle on the place when she gets to learn the neat fairy stuff which doesn't include algebra; and spend the afternoons watching Tom Cruise movies?

Ultimately, the graduates get their Fairy Licenses, and are assigned to be a particular type of fairy. Simple enough?

Back to my story. It seemed that one fairy was assigned to be a Cherry Blossom Fairy. Now, the Cherry Blossom Fairies have the task of mixing and serving the spring fever potion to mortals, so that they would drowse away the spring. Alas, one of them was remiss. She was called into the Chief Executive Fairy Office:

"Sakura-chan, you have been derelict in your mixing of the sleeping potion that brings drowsiness to humans. Unfortunately, they are now too active for their own good. Also, instead of wearing a flowered kimono, you run around in a bathrobe with your hair in curlers. You are not complying with the dress code for Cherry Blossom Fairies."

"Yes, Ma'am." I am sorry. But I was mixing the potion, only I tried a taste to see if it was nicely flavored. I became drowsy, myself. I guess I overdid it."

"Idiot. Never, never, never self-test the potions. It's obvious that you should be reassigned. Let's see, we have an opening for a Tooth Fairy because one of them was discovered to be an embezzler who spent the money she siphoned off at a casino on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. No, that's not for you. No math proficiency. Hmmmm . . . . Could you manage to be a Sock Fairy?"

"Yes, Ma'am. I'll try."

Four months later, Sakura was again summoned into the CEO Fairy's office and this exchange occurred:

"Sakura, your performance as a Sock Fairy was extraordinary. While we do encourage a small degree of fairy creativity, the primary task of Sock Fairies is to cause single socks or stockings or anklets to become missing. Changing colors is not an option. Your changing all of the Enron executives' socks to bright orange was beyond the pale and generated more unnecessary publicity. Besides, some of them are members of the same business club as I belong. I will have to do some major fence-mending."

"Oh, [fairy expletive deleted]!

"You will need to be reassigned. Let's see: Rain Fairy . . . . too much chance for things to go wrong there. Panty Fairy . . . . I won't even comprehend what damage you might do there. Apple Blossom Fairy . . . . we need one. Your task will be to ensure that the wine will turn to vinegar if it's been aged too long."

But Sakura went on the job as one of the Apple Blossom Fairies. She loved the costume, and the interactions with the unsuspecting humans. One day she tried the wine that pleased the humans. And she became an expert wine fairy, especially relishing a fine pinot grigio or a médoc or a merlot. You might say that she became a Party Girl with wings. That year, and the next, the wine kept, and great hilarity ensued. Life was good for the humans, other than the minor inconvenience of the vinegar shortage..

Finally, the CEO Fairy discovered Sakura was drinking on the job instead of making the wine into vinegar. She recalled her, and gave her one last chance.

That's how Sakura came to be the Fruit Cake Fairy.

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