Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Raid on the Warehouse

"Al Gautreaux of Action News and Weather here. We're talking to Sergeant Girard of N.O.P.D.'s literary squad. Less than one hour ago, the Literary Squad made a spectacular raid on a cliché warehouse on Tchopitoulas Street. Sergeant, how did you know there was an illegal operation going on here?"

"Well, Mel, there were the unmistakable signs. We saw some Really Class Acts in the Vicinity, and the Fat Lady Was About to Sing. There were undesirables loitering around that reliably tipped us on this type of operation. More politicians and clergymen than You Could Shake a Stick At. Of course, this unsavory vice has always been the problem of athletes and sports announcers. We found cases of Tried and True and Rosy-Fingered Dawns and barrels of John Barleycorns and Founding Fathers (with no royalties paid to the estate of Warren G. Harding) and a room full of some Nice Racks. (Apparently, there is a severe need for storage in this business.)"

"Why are there so many of these cliché warehouses in New Orleans, Sergeant?"

"In my opinion, it's that the languid atmosphere of New Orleans that makes this a Hotbed of bad literature. Let's face it: New Orleans is an interesting place to live in and write about. But it's not a place reknown for hard work, literary or otherwise. So these young, aspiring writers that flock to the Crescent City drift slowly into The Life of Dissipation. (They get lazy.) First it's a jaded expression that the writer uses almost unconsciously; then he finds himself using the typical buzzwords from television. Now That Sucks Like a Hoover. Soon he has a well-established fondness for clichés. But then, no one Promised Us a Rose Garden. When you add to this the sports figures and the Uberbabes who flock to the Superdome and to the Sugar Bowl, we have a Bravo Sierra factor that often Reaches Critical Mass.

Anyway, right now were's hot on the trail of Mr. Big. His days are numbered."

"Mr. Big?"

"Yes, that awful wordsmith that first coined the expression, "The Big Easy."

[A horrified look on Reporter Mel Gautreaux's face.]

"Well, we certainly hope you get him, one way or another; with whatever level of force is necessary. Don't worry about it being filmed. Your guys have a dirty job to do and the Good Citizens of New Orleans are grateful for your good work, Sergeant."

1 comment:

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