Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Billy Bob and the Bikini Baristas


Well, Billy Bob decided to go legit: no shady doins' any more; he wuz going to be a strictly Main Street businessman, which was easily achievable in sleepy Possum Trot, MS. The problem was that Billy Bob didn't have no skills, nohow; so he opened a coffee bar that gave some routine business but nothin' special. Well, it was a small town market, Mississippi-style. What made it a problem further is that two fast food places with take-out windows started serving breakfast; and sausage biscuits caught on like a case of poison ivy!  But Billy Bob was looking for a better business model for coffee houses; and he got one on the internet that he saw instead of looking at a little light porn.

He read that some Washington State take-out coffee places featured bikini baristas; and they were doing a quite nifty business in the coffee-thirsty Pacific northwest. Would this also catch on in Mississippi? Billy Bob noticed that cute cheerleaders boosted attendance at the junior college games, not to mention Mississippi State. Well, he was going to give it his best shot.


So he hired two good ole blonde gals, one with tall and one with grande assets, to wear bikinis while selling coffee. Immediately, there was an increase in business. So to boost it a bit further, he hired a brunette gal with venti-sized boobs to appeal to all preferences. Over time, the gals substituted pasties for bikini tops, which added to the spectacle.  He also added some tarted-up flavors to his coffee menu, just in case. Customers came from as far as Meridian and Tuscaloosa.

Now business was really, really growin', and the girls were plumb happy 'cause they got big tips at a rate unheard of in Mississippi. And things were really good. However, the forces of morality in Possum Trot began to rally an opposition, led by two of the local ministers. They took a complaint to the town council; and in true democracy fashion, there was a hearing. Besides, there wasn't a high school football game on that night so entertainment was sparse.

The ministers argued that, while drinking coffee in itself was not sinful, having it sold by underdressed misses was a blot on both the laws of God and of man. Mothers for Morality also made a case to prohibit bikini baristas in Possum Trot. Others came forth, until the local bootlegger said that this sort of business would be bad for the community (his business) and result in a crime wave. Besides, the teeny weeny bikinis the girls wore were as thin as fettuccine!

Then the Methodist minister noted that, since the coffee shop opened, there was a decline in public drunkenness and swearing locally. And people were more alert during church services.

Main Street business interests mentioned the very salient fact: there was always a police or sheriff's deputy or state trooper parked downtown, and crime was down! Furthermore, there was a spillover effect: the bikini coffee house drew in customers who also bought gas and shopped locally, and this meant more sales taxes. Besides, it increased local employment for three more persons.

The holy roller minister did own up that there was a lot less dancing going on in Possum Trot.

Hmmm.....

So the City Council, in an attempt to make peace locally, asked rhetorically if it would be okay to allow the bikini coffee house if the baristas would wear real bikini tops instead of pasties?

Billy Bob and the girls agreed. As Ellie May (the venti brunette) put it, my damn left pasty tended to come unstuck a lot, anyway.

So with the wisdom of Solomon, the bikini barista flap in Possum Trot was over. Who says compromise is a bad thing? Maybe there's a lesson here for Congress.


21 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was a great story. Sometimes country folk make a lot of sense.

Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer said...

I love the name Possum Trot.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

"Besides, there wasn't a high school football game on that night so entertainment was sparse." That summarizes small towns.

Brandi said...

Wearing pasties is so outré it's obscene. And what about droopage.

John Hill said...

I make it a habit to try new coffee shops. I'd have to force myself to try out such a coffee shop.

TexWisGirl said...

haha. a good commercial/community compromise.

Linda Kay said...

Such a funny story of compromise...and Congress could definitely take a lesson. We have some old German rules here that are challenged occasionally, but some are etched in stone.

Mike said...

Nothing will bring out 'the forces of morality' like semi nakedness.

Bilbo said...

The "tall," "grande," and "venti" baristas were the best part of the story. Very clever!

Atomic Dog said...

It sounds like Ellie May could stimulate tourism in Mississippi all by herself.

Grand Crapaud said...

Billy Bob learned the art of compromise.

allenwoodhaven said...

Good story. You write very well.

John Hill said...

Wonder if Billy Bob has a chicory blend...

Duckbutt said...

I liked this story!

Cloudia said...

Did you create that complete narrative from just seeing that sign? *Applause*





ALOHA from Honolulu
ComfortSpiral
=^..^=

Cherdo said...

Hey, you may be on to something.

While we're at it, can our well-aged Congress work in bikinis? Maybe that would make they work faster.

"No one takes off the bikini till the work of representing your constituents is done! You remember them, right?"

Anemone said...

I guess the key to successful negotiations is to let everyone come away with a feeling that they got something out of the process.

bakku-shan said...

I hope there's a real Possum Trot.

Banana Oil said...

There is a Possum Trot in Kentucky near Paducah.

Juliette said...

You wrote an enjoyable story, Angelique!

bakku-shan said...

Billy Bob is a real job creator.