Dean of Students: I want to introduce to you Milton Paroxetine, a student here at Southern Indiana University, Mr. Paroxetine has reached a level of achievement in his reputation for wild, decadent partying that he was widely known as the Lewd Dude. Now he has agreed to share with all of us some tips for a successful road trip:
Milton: Thanks, Dean. Let me say that I appreciate this opportunity to share my proven tips to my fellow students. You are definitely an enlightened college administrator! And it's in all of our best interests to have a safe, if not sane, spring break trip. So, here they are; I learned these tips the hard way so you won't have to.
1. Get your car serviced and inspected before you hit the road. Also, make sure your insurance and registration is up to date.
2. If you're going to New Orleans or the Gulf Coast, drive the speed limit and don't have open containers! We once got stopped in Alabama not with banjos on our knees but open beer bottles. One of them fell out of the car and poured beer on the deputy's pants. Remember, 40% of revenues in some counties come from speeding and prohibition fines. And the worst speed trap is Ludowici, GA!
3. Take old school highway maps. The GPS may direct you through back ways that have limited eats and convenience stores.
4. Keep your eye on the prize! The South is loaded with seemingly interesting but ultimately disappointing sites that might take you off your route and waste your time. Do you really want to tell people back at the U. that you went to the Ave Maria Grotto or the Jack Daniel Distillery or the condom factory in Dothan for your Spring Break?
5. If in a mixed road trip, try to achieve a 1:1 sex ratio or nearly. But, hey! Part of the attraction of a road trip is finding opportunities for sex and partying without any after effects. Ideally, what happens in Panama City should stay in Panama City.
6. Before choosing a place to go for Spring Break, do a little research on how permissive and Spring Breaker-friendly the local police are. Stay away from places that you know someone who went there and got tossed in jail.
7. If you go to New Orleans, DON'T drink Hurricanes! Okay....drink only one on a dare.
8. On the Gulf Coast, Sex on the Beach is a possible drink but not an activity. The local cops don't like that. Seriously, even a crappy motel is better, and you don't have to worry about sand. Work out your motel room sharing in advance on the way down.
9. Don't try to pick up local girls. Especially in New Orleans! Look for other Spring Breakers. Hey, it's okay for a little slumming and cross-pollination between Ohio State and Michigan students. But remember: what happens on Spring Break stays there!
10. Buy your weed before you go. There are some narcs who pose as dealers to trap Breakers. Buy your beer on site: you might need a fake i.d.
11. Choose your destination carefully. Here are some primo Spring Break locations, as determined by wildness and lack of inhibitions:
(a) Panama City Beach
(b) Daytona Beach
(c) Key West
(e) South Padre Island
(f) Myrtle Beach
(g) San Diego
(f) Las Vegas
(g) Lake Havasu City
(i) Gulf Shores
(j) New Orleans
Obviously, places like Omaha, Cleveland, or Spokane would not be in the running.
12. Bring along enough money to post bail or pay small fines.
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