Legislation Regarding Bird Poop

While opportunistically browsing in Wikipedia, among forbidden places for the putative intelligensia, I happened to come upon this curious entry:

The Guano Islands Act (11 Stat. 119, enacted 18 August 1856, codified at 48 U.S.C. ch.8 §§ 1411-1419) is federal legislation passed by the U.S. Congress that enables citizens of the U.S. to take possession of islands containing guano deposits. The islands can be located anywhere, so long as they are not occupied and not within the jurisdiction of other governments. It also empowers the President of the United States to use the military to protect such interests and establishes the criminal jurisdiction of the United States.

    -- From Wikipedia.

In other words, unlike Congress's usual pattern of wrapping their legislative poop in attractive-sounding packaging, Congress back in 1856 literally passed an Act regarding physical bird poop, known to the gentle as guano!   

What are these bird poop paradises that altimately had the Stars and Stripes places over them?  Here are a few; Kingman Reef, Midway Atoll, Johnston Island, Baker Island, Navassa Island, Jarvis Island, and others.  Don't think about booking a condo on Kingman Reef, these are uninhabited.  So, if you can go there, you can watch the birds, and wait for the next boat out.

Why this interest in bird poop?  Well, it seems that bird guano is a prime source of saltpeter, a substance used in making fertilizer, gunpowder, and as a perservative for foods! In short, it has commercial value.

In reading more about saltpeter, it was apparently rumored to be an antiaphrodisiac, a substance that reduces libido in people.  Generations of soldiers and high school boys apparently believed that their food had this kind of adulterant in it to make them, er, behave a little better?

So, maybe we have some questions here.  Why did Congress enact this?  Was it in anticipation of firepower needs for the looming Civil War, or to help scientific agriculture, or food preservation, or even to make their constitutents behave better before abstinence was discovered as an alternative? 

Also, what kind of dialogue and discussion accompanied this Act?  Did Members of Congress make a lot of bird poop jokes?  This is a fertile topic for someone needing a master's thesis topic.

Courting albatrosses

Not possible on Kingman Reef

 

Supernormal Stimuli and Bulgarian Airbags

Evolution has over long stretches of time allowed species to deal adaptively with the basic problems of life in the prehistoric environment. However, with the rapid changes taking place in modern life, the glacial pace of the evolutionary changes no longer as easily allows species to adapt very well. This even affects us humans; for example, we are bombarded by a number of larger-than-life temptations such as supersized take-out food, candy bars, and improbable pornography, each of which impact on instinctive drives with dangerous results. 

This is where supernormal stimuli come in.  A supernormal stimulus is an exaggerated version of a stimulus that causes an instinctive behavior to take place.

In the 1930s Dutch ethologist Niko Tinbergen found that oystercatchers that lay small, pale blue eggs speckled with grey preferred to sit on giant, bright blue plaster dummies with black polka dots.

Using gulls, Tinbergen's students found that mother birds preferred to try feeding a fake baby bird beak held on a stick if the dummy beak was wider and redder than a real chick's.

Male stickleback fish ignored a real male to fight a dummy if its underside was brighter red than any natural fish. Tinbergen coined the term "supernormal stimuli" to describe these unreal substitutes. These stimuli appeal to primitive instincts; but paradoxically exert a stronger attraction than the real-life counterparts. 

Most supernormal stimuli are contrived; though in rare cases they may occur in nature due to random variation. Since oystercatchers do not deliberately manufacture brightly-hued, oversized plaster eggs; that was not a factor in the oystercatcher’s environment. But the addition of a new element, the meddling by homo sapiens, changed the rules completely.  Bird brains could not handle those supernormal stimuli.

Are humans affected by supernormal stimuli? Evolutionary psychologist Deirdre Barrett suggests in her book Supernormal Stimuli that we do: ours are mostly contrived: very sweet drinks, foods containing high amounts of fats (such as French fries or biscuits made with lard), stuffed animals with infantile features, and so forth. These specific stimuli in their naturally-occurring forms draw out instinctive patterns of behavior that make it easier to perform adaptive behaviors relating to survival or reproductive motives; however, in their excessive, supernormal condition they can possibly harm our physical or psychological well-being. (For example, we have an inborn preference for sweet-tasting substances as those ar related to increased energy; but the prehistoric environment did not have the superabundance of those that can be available very easily today.

Some examples in which the human perceptual environment has been changed through deliberate contriving can be seen in the form of toy animals with hyperinfantile features (e.g., Care Bears, My Little Pony), the use make-up, and with large-sized candy bars.

And we should not overlook supersized breast implants, once known as Bulgarian airbags.  The story behind this slang expression is that a woman who had supersized in this way was in an automobile accident, but avoided serious injury because of the extra cushioning from her new breasts implants gotten in Bulgaria.  Anyway, breasts that are sized out of the ordinary, whether due to nature or contrivance, are very likely to draw attention to the possessor.  Maybe this is why larger-sized breast implants are more common in the L.A. and Las Vegas areas.

 

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Barrett, Deirdre. Supernormal Stimuli: How Primal Urges Overran Their Evolutionary Purpose, W.W. Norton, NY, NY. 2009, 224 pp, IBSN 978-0393068481 US $24.95.

St. Augustine on Flatulence at Will

The casually-held dichotomy between voluntary and involuntary behaviors has long been held; despite suggestive evidence that, under some conditions, behaviors viewed as reflexive or involuntary can be voluntarily emitted.

One of these unsung skills is the ability to fart at will.  St. Augustine of Hippo, in his work The City of God reported that some men  "have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing".   He thought that the loss of this charming ability originated with the first sin of Adam and Eve.  That was an expensive apple!

This form of entertainment was mentioned by Rabelais, among others.  Also, Joseph Pujol, a popular entertainer at the Folies Bergère, was known as Le Petomane.  He thrilled audiences with his ability to play tuneful flatuses!  Benjamin Franklin^] wrote a work entitled Fart Proudly, so we have an early example of support for this art form among the Founding Fathers.  Well, probably not that old crank, John Adams.

 

Which leads to some questions: 

 

Suppose a Presidential candidate farted during a debate?  Would that adversely affect his showing, or would it forge a common bond with the listeners? 

 

Or suppose a preacher was enjoy a flatus while in the pulpit.  Would there be an odor of sanctity from it?

 

If you are on a date, is it okay to fart on the first date?  How much commited must you be to have this latitude?

 

Should not one of those arcane feminine skills imparted so that the possessor would seem more "ladylike" include being able to fart publicly without notice?  Clearly, our golfer is somewhat behind the curve on this one?

 

 

 

Dogs do it, as this children's book memorializes:

 

 

 

There are even regional differences as to acceptability.  For example, Matthew Richter, a yound man residing in Seattle, in a moment of excitement, accidently let loose a flatus while in the Public Market.  Everyone froze; no one said anything.

 

Poor Matthew was mortified.  He realized that he committed a monumental faux pas.  So he immediately abandoned his life in Seattle, and went off into exile in darkest Idaho, or was it Illinois?  One of those "I" states that polite people don't mention.  There, he lived in anonymity and lived a life satisfactory except for his secret shame.

 

Finally, after twenty-five years, he returned to Seattle.  He figured that, by this time, everyone would have forgotten his monumental blunder.  So this middle-aged Matthew, returning under an assumed name, happened to be in one of the Starbucks' near Elliott Bay. 

 

While enjoying his cappuchino, he overheard the barista talking about how old she was:

 

"I was born on the day, and in the very hour, that Matthew Richter let fly his fart!"

And that is why there is the well-known Seattle Freeze.

Political PSYOPS and Statistics

First, some fun quotations about statistics:

Torture numbers, and they'll confess to anything. ~Gregg Easterbrook

98% of all statistics are made up. ~Author Unknown

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. ~Aaron Levenstein

Statistics can be made to prove anything - even the truth. ~Author Unknown

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. ~Author Unknown

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than for illumination. ~Andrew Lang

 Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you have carefully considered what they do not say. ~William W. Watt

You get the drift.  Statistics are often derided or disrespected in quotes; but people react to numbers and statistics in real life quite differently.  Citing a number, no matter its provence, lends the weight of credibility to anything.  Numbers impress people unduly; often without giving much thought into how they were obtained.  And this could even be used for dirty tricks in politics or making generalized alarming statements.  Actually, this might be a form of political psychological warfare.   (For all I know, the major parties might be deliberately doing this already.)  See this interesting article on military Psychological Operations:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_Operations_(United_States)

PSYOPS includes the use of three types of information to impact on an adversary:  White PSYOPS, factual information, Black PSYOPS, out-and-out lies, and Gray PSYOPS, a mixture of truth and well-planted lies.

Let's consider a few possible examples that could be used.  Last year some Republican congressman from Kansas, while on a junket, went skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee (a harmless fact though some tried to turn it into some sort of sacrilege.  Don't ever consider peeing in the Sea of Galilee).  But there was a big brouhaha about it.  I'm surprised that someone didn't manufacture a phony statistic such as, "44% of Republicans regularly skinny-dip;" which might have the intended effect of the type:

"The horror!  The horror!" 

Actually, that's a famed Joseph Conrad quote; and it did not involve going into that real Heart of Darkness, Washington.  Still, this could prompt a scary thought and negative attitude toward the political party mentioned in the false statistic.  [Somewhere I read that Democrats were more likely to do so; but the same caveat would apply to that assertion.]

Recently, a schoolteacher inadvertantly synchronized iPads intended for student use with her phone, and the students got to see quite a bit more of her than the lesson plan called for!  Can you imagine some tabloid carrying the hysterical headline: "Wave of topless teachers: 38% admit sending topless pictures of themselves to students!"  Strangely enough, the student recipients were suspended for receiving this unorthodox lesson. Possibly some readers might see a need to re-enroll in school; or at least go for a G.E.D.  And some schemer can turn it into a political slant by including the mention that most teachers tend to be Democrats. 

So much about nudity.  What about money?  Both parties have their plutocrats; but wish to see only the other party's moneybags mentioned in print.  But for theirs, the curtain of privacy and respect should prevail.  There's even more leverage if you link the money with organized crime.  "The Purple Gang is 84% Democrats!"  "39% of playground bullies are fund-raisers for the Republicans!"

But, also accusations of moral turpitude.  We can see this tangentially alluded to in lists like "Most Corrupt States," which are simply those that have less scope for corruption, or rarely make the news.  Is New Hampshire a corrupt state?  I don't know; but I suspect Illinois, New Jersey, and New York.  Also Louisiana, because I read the Times-Picyaune.  At least the corruption there is bipartisan.

Anyway, although this quote might be kind of heavy-handed: "State House corruption: 63% of Democrats are on the take"  without a parallel reportage on venal Republicans.  However, when it comes to persuading the simple-minded or the casual reader, it could be judiciously used.  The key to a successful lie is that it is embedded in truth.  Winston Churchill's epigram should be modified:  "In politics, a lie is so precious that it should always be attended by a bodyguard of truth."

Then there's pork: not the four-footed kind that oinks.  "What is pork?"  Possibly Pontius Pilate also asked that question once.  Pork is decidedly in the eye of the beholder.  Somehow, the Bridge to Nowhere seemed like a good idea in Alaska. 

Having said my piece on this, I somehow wonder if making up bogus statistics regarding the opposition might be like carrying coals to Newcastle.  After all, each major party is adept enough in shooting themselves in their feet without the use of Black or even Gray PSYOPS involvement.  White PSYOPS might suffice.  Years ago there was some Democrat running for President who mis-managed a photo-op enough that the Republicans used it in their counter propoganda!  And they didn't have to make up any numbers.*

*In science, that is referred to as "dry labbing."

Where the Baseball Rules of Intimacy Came From

Do you ever wonder where those baseball dating intimacy rules came from?  You know, no deep kissing on the first date, no access to second base before the fifth one, etc.?  These are the rules of engagement that the genteel crowd are expacted to play by.  If you transgress, you are to be tarnished with the label of "slut" or "dangerous baaaad guy."  Shame on you!

Of course you do; but you want to appear high-minded and above such thoughts to the world, don't you?  I thought so.  You're not that devious.

A conventional Google search offers no satisfaction.  [Was that what the Rolling Stones were singing about?  Or was it the frustrations from their Sharona?]  No, you got to be crafty in your search.  In the true spirit of the times, you must channel the backdoor search engine technique.

It turns out that the basis of the rules, now interpreted very loosely, were drawn up at a gathering of the New England Sorority Pledge Trainers for Purity and Social Improvement (NESPTFPSI) back in 1955.  Since people were less often reading newspapers, and this was in the pre-CNN Eocene, this meeting was under-reported.

Actually, the ladies (Don't call them girls; they would open a serious can of W.A. on you even now!) saw this as a logical step in streamlining the courtship ritual.  The idea was, to speed the process of getting those errant boys and girls married as early as possible so that they would have a head start in reconstructing the boy-man that they would eventually marry before he got too set in his bad habits.  Furthermore, these rules of intimacy were to continue after marriage, but with some flourishes that were not found beforehand.  [These backdoor internet sources alluded to the rule that husbands could finally see their wives naked on their tenth anniversary; a rule that was passed despite strenuous opposition from the Connecticut delegates.]

The NESPTFPSI even adopted the simple first base, second base, third base, home plate analogy that is still current today.  It turns out that they had their meeting in a hotel that was also used by a visiting major league baseball team.  Since they happened to meet for drinks in the lounge, the severe ladies drew upon a metaphor of baseball, a game that had been played and followed by troglodytes in the large cities that they were familiar with. 

So remember, no second base before the fifth date!  And remember also to support breast cancer research to save second base!

Finally, unless you're a European princess, keep second base covered!

Missy Chauvin and the Honey Island Swamp Monster

Missy Chauvin, star reporter for T.V.'s Action News, was assigned to do a scary feature for Halloween.  She decided to go to one of the local scary places to see what could come of it.

But what one?  The Lalaurie home was overdone.  St. Louis Number One was dangerous, even in the daytime.  And she couldn't manage another trip to the Myrtles in Francisville.

Suddenly, she had an inspiration: she could pretend to interview the Honey Island Swamp Monster with Brian, her cameraman and, Reggie, her co-star playing in the starring role while wearing a monster suit.  (Brian referred to Missy as 'his mike stand.')  Anyway, she Googled the Swamp Monster, seeking out likely locations.  Also, since part of the script was that she would pretend to be abducted by the Honey Island Swamp Monster, she wore a ravishing lilac-and-pink nightgown under she reporter's dress.  After all, she needed to look good for the abduction scene!  Always a professional, with the long-standing history of New Orleans journalism in mind.

So Missy, Brian, and Reggie wander around the swamp, pretending to look high and low for this form of cryptozoology.  Reggie, not familiar with the layout of the swamp, got lost.  After a while, they happen upon a tall, hairy, amorphous creature that somehow doesn't look like Reggie's costume!  Brian runs away, having remembered a date with Sienna Miller, or was it Jessica Biel?  Brian was not adept in excuse-making; but few camerapersons are, you know.

Anyway, Missy finds that the script is taking place in real life, and that the H.I.M. does a better job with the action than Reggie ever could in the rehearsals!  [Missy thought, "Oh well, I'm dressed for a swamp abduction."]

Missy screamed, "Where are you taking me," more by reflex than with the expectation that the Monster spoke English.  However, to her surprise, he did. 

"Oh, just taking you on a date!"  Missy thought the worst: what horrors would a date with a monster entail???  "Let me put on some pants and a jacket and a hat . . . . "

And they wound up at the Waffle House in Pearl River.  Neither the hairy guy in the fishing clothes or the lady in her nightgown seemed to be remarkable to the late night crowd nursing their coffee and eating waffles.  The night waitress simply thought that he was a New Orleans lawyer who spent a week on a fishing trip in the swamp nearby and went to seed as a vacation from his usual, dapper self.  Lawyers easily go to seed in the sticks of St. Tammany Parish.

The Honey Island Swamp Monster turned out to be a regular customer, preferring the French toast there.

Missy said, "Say Monster, would you like to try my French toast using my pain perdu recipe?"

It turned out that the Honey Island Swamp Monster was a LSU fan and Missy Chauvin wound up with an occasional, though hairy, boyfriend.

Playboy's Top Ten Party Schools

Each year, the administrators at major universities look for one particular axe to fall.  No, it's not necessarily further cuts from the legislature, or impaired fortunes of football teams (except perhaps in Alabama).  No, it's worse: Each year Playboy magazine publishes its list of the Top Ten Party Schools.  This year, the University of Virginia topped the list.  Wouldn't Mr. Jefferson be proud?

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/09/26/playboy-university-of-virginia-top-party-school/70001173/1

As a further bit of information, the USAToday article contained this excerpt:

"Methodology? Playboy is succinct. "We took America's top 100 colleges and ranked them across 900 data points in three categories: Sex Life, Sporting LIfe, Nightlife.'"

In a breakdown by category, in what was surely a rigorous, peer-reviewed statistical undertaking, the University of North Carolina ranks No. 1 in Sex Life (Tar Heel women, Playboy says, are "plentiful," "beautiful" and "progressive." ( Worst: Colorado School of Mines.)

[Okay, there are a lot of us; and I'm willing to be described as "beautiful," as are most Tarheel women.  But progressive?  Is that Playboyese for easy?]

In the Sporting LIfe category, Ohio State tops the list. "In Columbus, top-notch tailgating is rivaled only by the games themselves." (Worst: Yeshiva University)

And in Night LIfe, Southern Methodist University is No. 1. "At SMU, Dallas is your never-ending house party." (Worst: Brigham Young.)

For the record, in recent times the University of Colorado and the University of Miami received this dubious honor.  Among the criteria that Playboy used in 2009 was a "bikini index," not otherwise identified.

How do institutions react when this honor is bestowed?  Typically, the faculty there will tut-tut, and grouse about the nonseriousness of the student body.  The local newspapers will carry the story; and if it's a slow news cycle (like now) they will interview a few students who will embellish their stories.  Some institutions might protest, or at least take some steps to clamp down on the ardent spirits (ethanol and youthful, both).  Many schools might say or do nothing officially, figuring that if nothing is said, it will fast go the way of old news.  (That is probably the most effective strategy, at the recent debacle at the University of Tennessee regarding butt-chugging illustrates.  All of the participants managed to extend the news life of that story much longer than normal.)

But there is a still another way:  Embrace the mantle of party school.  After all, it could serve as a recruiting tool!  I can see some relatively little-known university vaulting into prominence by being named a party school.  And it's cheaper and more fun than having an outstanding faculty doing significant research or a powerhouse football team!

Florida Panhandle University, here's your chance!