Desiderata

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

 

--Max Ehrmann, 1927

 

I thought that this little prose poem was inspiriting.  I hope you like it.

 

 

 

The Television Personality and the Cabbie

What a story for Al Gautreaux and Missy Chauvin to cover on Action News!

This was a local saga of a lawyer/television personality and a local cabbie.  I leave it to you to sort it out, and figure what was going on.

First, the taxi driver picked up a young female on Bourbon street who apparently had a few drinks and was flirtatious with him.  This was a local radio celebrity who was also an attorney.  She later filed a police report that the taxi driver took an upskirt picture of her, and then tried to extort some money to destroy the video.  The claim was that he first asked for $60,000, but modified it to $1,000!  Apparently, that was the local going rate for upskirt videos of attorneys in New Orleans.  The recession does that to extortion, apparently.

Recently, Mike posted a video that addressed a similar matter.

The N.O.P.D. dutifully arrested him and sent him to jail.  Orleans Parish Prison is a nasty place.

This story made a row, even by New Orleans standards, and was even picked up by a newspaper in Britain, that seat of probity in reporting.

Later on, the case against the cabbie was dismissed; still leaving him with numerous debts incurred because of his incarceration.  And the N.O.P.D. soon had occasion to file false arrest charges against the attorney!  This must have made their day, given the somewhat adverserial relationship between the minions of the law and some officers of the court!  If convicted, she could get a year in jail, herself.

Al:  "Anything more on the taxi driver and the radio personality, Missy."

Missy:  "Only this, Al.  The Police Department has filed charges against her based on the possibility that she fabricated the story leading to the driver's arrest."

Al:  "Is there any chance we can get an upskirt photo of someone to run on the 10 P.M. news?"

Missy:  "That would be a ratings boost; but not likely to be approved by the F.C.C."

Al:  "Oh well, bare bottoms are not unheard of on Bourbon Street."

Missy:  "Maybe we could have the participants come on like on the old Jerry Springer Show?"

Sometimes real life outstrips imagination in New Orleans.  At least Nancy Grace was not involved.  As the Prophetess would have observed, that was the most graceful thing of the whole sorry, ambiguous affair.

Underdogs and Evil Empires in Sports

Like in the Medieval morality plays in which virtues and vices are personified, and medicinal doses of morals are admininstered, sports also draws on this approach which is like hitting a mule on the head with a 2 by 4.

Yes, over time, there have emerged certain teams and even players as Certified Bad Guys.  Perhaps the most unequivocal case can be made for the New York Yankees in baseball as its Evil Empire.  To use myself as an example, my interest in the playoffs evaporated when I was assured that the New York Yankees would not be in the playoffs, much less the World Series.  [I'm not too keen on Boston, either; but I could live with another Red Sox series win.  It might sweeten the deal if they would spell 'socks' right.]

Pro football is less clear; but perhaps the Dallas Cowboys and the New England Patriots make the ranks of the bad hats there.  Certainly, the Cowboys Cheerleaders gain overly much publicity for their squad.  And the Eagles and the Raiders lose points for fan deportment.  Why can't some innocent team like the Tampa Bucs or the San Diego Chargers make the Super Bowl?

College football has an abundance of Evil Empires.  There's Alabama, there's Notre Dame, and there's Ohio State.  Once USC was in their ranks; but now they're mainly known for their former head coach's attractive wife.  Speaking of attractive, how is it that the Alabama quarterback's model girlfriend just also happens to be Miss Alabama and a student at Auburn?

Pro basketball?  Not very clear.  The Lakers manage to avoid the stigma of being Hollywood's team.

College basketball?  Duke!  Duke!  DUKE!

Soccer.  I'm blank there, but the fan costumes are most entertaining.

I think many of us instinctively root for the underdog.

Voodoo Candles

Voodoo is a set of miscellaneous beliefs involving various spirits and attempting to influence events through supernatural means.  Kind of like depending on the government to do things.  Some voodoo objects involve strong magic, and should be used only by an adapt, like goofer dust (goofus dust) or John the Conquerer.

One simple way of practicing some mild forms of voodoo is by burning candles.  Now you may purchase votive candles, scent candles, or even candles in special containers with the images of saints or voodoo gods on them.  Whatever, it's the color that is the most important element.

Here are what different-colored candles are used for:

White --  White candles are used to contact departed souls, and to ask for blessings, protection, or healing.  It symbolizes purity.

Red --  These colored candles evoke love, passion, romance, and to release the sexual passions.  Burn one with someone's name on it to cause that person to fall in love with you.
      
Green -- This color candle is burned to obtain money and luck in gambling.  In general, green is associatedwith prosperity.

Black -- These colored candles are burned to cause harm or even death to the person whose name is inscribed on them.  Not a nice practice at all.
           
Pink- -- The pink candles are used to foster love, friendships, and romance.  Definitely dialing it down from the effects of red candles.

Blue -- Blue candles are burned in requests for peace, harmony and abundance. 

Purple -- Purple candles are used to control someone else's will.  They should be burned only by people who know what they are doind, as certain forces are unleashed.

Well, those are the traditional ones.  But Voodoo Science, like Voodoo Economics, does change with the time.  Here are some new ones:

Purple and Gold -- Burned to bring about an L.S.U. victory.

Red and Black -- This candle is burned to exorcise the inauspicious effects of a gift of red and black panties or teddies.

Rainbow colors -- For celebrations of Gay Pride Week or subtly announcing to friends that you are out of the closet.

Red, white, and blue -- To celebrate the Fourth!

Green, Gold, and Purple -- To decorate the King Cake; to let the good times roll!

Mauve -- Burn this colored candle before submitting your dissertation to a committee.

But burn a black one if they turn down your dissertation!

Masking the Evidence

Billy Bob and Peggy Sue finally tied the knot in holy wedlock, despite the fact that both were without jobs back home in Possum Grove, NC.  Fortunately, Peggy Sue's parents gave them a room to live in until things got better; or they both got enough feck to move to Charlotte.

Things were fine living in the same house as her parents, except for one thing: the rooms had such thin, uninsulated walls so that sounds easily carried.  It inhibited their love-making at bedtime!

Finally, Peggy Sue had a heart-to-heart talk with her Mama; and told her their predictment:  "Mama, we can't make no love because we're afraid you and Papa can hear what we're doing."

Mama thought, "Yup.  And keeping score."

But Mama said, "Huh, child, I know your problem.  Me and Papa had the same problem when we lived with the grandparents when we fust got hitched.  But here's what you ought to do.  You and Billy Bob keep a-talking about something else while you're doin' the deed.  I guarantee, you both will get satisfaction."

So Peggy Sue and Billy Bob decided to try that.  After all, they were having no luck nohow and were really itchy.

So the very same night, they started trying this idea out.

PS:  "Billy Bob, did you hoe them turnips this morning.?"

BB:  "Yeah, I did," while starting.

PS:  "Did you do 'em all?"

BB:  "Yeah.  Yeeahhh."

PS:  "And did you prime the well pump like you were supposed ta?"

BB:  "Uh....uh....yeahhhh.

PS:  "Uh...uh...and did you mend the fence okay?"

BB:  "Uh....yeahh!"

PS:  "How about the barrel?  Did you move it like you said?"

BB:  "The big brown one that we keep the rainwater in?  Puff puff......puff"

PS:  "No, the small one with the hoops.....hoops.....Whoops.....Whoops.....WHOOPS!!!"

Mama thought, "Touchdown!"

Halloween

Tomorrow is Halloween.  Sadly, it is an annual event that has come into its share of controversies instead of being a mere pleasant diversion where kids dress in spooky or imaginative costumes, and neighboring adults give them candy.

Like our idiot Republicans and Democrats who manage to find things to squabble over, there's a grab bag of views that go against the old advice to live and let live:

1)  There's the evangelical Christians who see Halloween as a pagan celebration.  As a result, they pressure schools into having Fall Festivals or Harvest Festivals instead of Halloween Carnivals.  As a further consequence, they discourage the wearing of costumes on Halloween at these occasions and allow kids some pale imitation of the real deal.

[Okay, it was once a pagan festival.  But, like other occasions, custom has denatured it of its origins.  We also celebrate Christmas, never mind its origins, and Cinco de Mayo even though we're not Mexican.]

2)  Then there's the complaint about sexy Halloween costumes.  Now it seems to me that simple common sense should distinguish between a sexy costume worn by an adult to an adult occasion, as opposed to a tween wearing one.  In other words, it's okay to go as a sexy French maid or witch if you're older, but don't have your tween go out like that!

3)  As for trick-or-treating, some adults get snippy if they judge the person in general to be to old to trick-or-treat.  Some are very gruff with teen trick-or-treaters because they see trick-or-treating as strictly for the age ten or below group, especially unaccompanied by adults.

As a friend of mine put it back then, "If you look like you have boobs, then forget about it!"

4)  Some tricks, I'm sad to say, lapse into vandalism.  And not just those done by adolescents.

5)  People who oppose Halloween on religious grounds have the perfect nonconfrontal way of avoiding issues: leave your porch light off and don't answer the door.  Don't give trick-or-treaters some goddamn tract!

Anyway, I've said my peace.  For my next post I promise to be less grumpy.

And I'll pass out Halloween candy to all comers, even guys in their sixties.  Though I expect they would rather a mixed drink.

The Academic Hierarchy

Ever since the German universities found that there was a lot of professorial duties to go around, and they started distinguishing among ordinary professors, ausserlichter (extraordinary) professors, and Dozents, academe has become increasingly hierarchical.

Anyway, the modern-day U.S. university can be likened to a wedding cake.  Here's the layers, with more splendid frosting and privileges going with the upper ones.

Dean:
Very highly paid
Often has reserved parking place
Talks to God
Walks on water
Drinks the finest wines
Bulletproof due to political pull

Department Chair:
Slightly more comfortably paid
Parks in general faculty parking
Swims in water
Talks respectfully to Dean's secretary, knowing she is God
Drinks champagne or prosecco
Tenured
Been around long enough that he or she is predictable

(Full) Professor
Comfortably paid
Parks in general faculty parking
Talks to God if approved through proper channels
Wades in shallow water
Drinks wine routinely
Tenured

Associate Professor
Comfortably paid
Parks where he can find it
Receives memos from God in general mailing
Drinks water
Drinks wine at weddings, and on Christmas and New Year's.
Tenured

Assistant Professor
Genteel poverty
Parks if he can afford the gas; otherwise bicycles.
Hears rumors about memos from God
Makes water
Drinks wine is someone else is buying
Untenured

Graduate Assistant
Rude poverty
Walks or rides a bicycle
Thinks the Department Secretary is a goddess
Dribbles water
Drinks generic beer
Must keep up grades and reasonable progress toward a degree while teaching introductory classes