A Revolutionary Hoax

After the Soviet Union moved from communism to democracy in 1991, there was a concerted effort to distance the new Russia from the old regime.  How far this would go was anyone's guess at the time.

However, Forbes magazine got a real scoop:  The Russian government was going to sell off Vladimir Ilich Ulanov's (Lenin's) embalmed body.  In the true capitalist spirit, they were having a Going Out of Business Sale and asking a cool $15,000,000!  Well, in rubles.  Of course, it was in good condition, reflecting the finest in Soviet mortuary science.  The original report did not specify if it would be delivered, or should be carried out by the happy customer.

This story was picked up by other news sources, such as USA Today, ABC's World News Tonight, the Associated Press, and others.  This was an indication of the extent to which things had utterly changed.

The following day, Peter Jennings followed up the original sensational story with an update disclaiming the earlier reports: they were a hoax.  Lenin was not for sale.  It is not known whether there was any discussion of the possibility of him being rented for the weekend at any time.

The Old Boy still lies in state in Moscow, but with no price tag on his big toe.

Tacky Competitions

The range of tacky entertainments defies imagination; yet people have come up with wet t-shirt contests, Jello wrestling, belly-flopping, and mullet tosses to serve the beer-imbibing crowds at resorts.

Without elaborating on these spectacles overmuch, my causal research indicated that lime green was the favorite Jello color.  Obviously, the Jello is rendered inedible during the process.

Some contests involve eating as an activity, such as being the one to consume the most hot dogs in a short period of time.  These gluttony events are cheered by crowds, even when one or more of the contestants loses his lunch!  Grrr-ross!

Some Tennessee guys apparently developed a sport called "butt-chugging," in which wine is taken in anally to induce intoxication.  This is a health-risky activity.

More adventurous people go in for bungee jumping and sky diving.  An old-style entertainment was the demolition derby competitions, in which drivers drive barely running cars in a field and deliberately crash into each other until only one car and driver is left in the competition.  However, the Medieval sport of jousting is a direct ancestor of this.  Maryland even declared it to be the official state sport!  Of course, the pageantry and the colorful costumes lend it an aura of respectability, I suppose.

Is there any chance that some state will adopt Jello wrestling as its state sport?  Probably not the states represented in the Southeastern Conference. 

Cowgirl Melinda Offers Fashion Advice

A local Cheyenne news reporter managed to obtain an interview with a real cowgirl on how to Dress for Success in the West.   This is what transpired.

"Good evening, folks.  Tonight's guest is Cowgirl Melinda, fresh off the prairie; and our topic is dressing for success on the prairie."

Melinda:  "Err.....err.....Yeah, thanks, Gwyenth.  I'm supposed to tell how to dress when you're away from the big cities.  Now people from metropolises like Cheyenne or Casper know how to outfit themselves; but outlanders from the likes of Denver or Omaha or Noo Yawk don't have a junebug's clue!  Remember, form follows function."

Gwyenth:  "I know what you mean, but can you give us some specifics, Melinda?"

Melinda:  "Shore nuff.  First off:  Don't put on boots when wearing a skirt.  You look plumb silly.  Boots go with jeans.  End of story. 

"When wearing a skirt, If you're gonna wear tall heels, get some practice in wearing them before you go in public.  Nothing spoils the effect of showing off your legs while wearing f***-me shoes* like falling on your butt or especially your face and getting a case of nosebleed!

"For most occasion, jeans are the way to go.  But let them be blue jeans.  No colored jeans or carpenter's jeans.  Don't get them pre-faded; let your ordinary doins' take care of the process.  And it's okay to wear guys' jeans.  They don't emphasize the butt so much and sometimes come in handy."

Gwyenth:  "Oh really, how?"  But then she thought and thought it best not to go there on television.

Melinda:  Don't wear jodhpurs.  Ever.  Not even if you lose an election bet.  And yoga pants are only for leisure wear and never around the campfire.

"You can be pretty free with your shirt selections: T-shirts when it's fairly hot; long-sleeved shirts of either a solid or plaid pattern.  But don't do orange.  That color might upset the critters.  And don't wear a Colorado Buffaloes or Nebraska Cornhuskers t-shirt or sweat shirt.  Those kind are regarded as worn only by untrustworthy heathens.

"You know, don't go in for those western styling shirts, either; unless you're trying to pass as a tenderfoot or a hillbilly singer.  It's okay to look like you're a shit-kicker in Nashville, not Rawlins.

Don't tie your shirt underneath in order to bare your midriff, 'less you're Shania Twain or a belly dancer left off at Little America.

"For much of the year, a nice, comfortable denim jacket will compliment your ensemble.  But don't have it tricked out with rhinestones or such useless stuff unless you're trying to look like an Easterner slumming in the West.

"And a word about Nudie suits or jackets:  Don't.  Unless you're a country and western singer on stage.  And, even then, don't wear one with rhinestone guitars or banjos on it!  Wearing one to breakfast in the Buffalo Café would cause some of the old-timers to lose their fodder.

"Your hat should be chosen with care.  It should fit, and it should reflect your own style.  Stetsons look best; sombreros or derbys are not advised.  Yes, it's semiokay to wear a baseball cap, but not a pith helmet.  Pith on those who do.  But whatever hat you wear, take it off when going indoors.  It's the polite thing to do."

Gwyenth:  "Very good ideas, Melinda.  But what about belts?"

Melinda:  "Dang me, I forgot.  A nice wide western belt with a buckle should do it.  It should have some western motif on it: longhorns, buffaloes, or marijuana leaves."

Gweneth:  "Marijuana leaves?

Melinda:  "Yeah.  A cowgirl must relax sometimes."

*I regret to say that Cowgirl Melinda was bleeped.

"

Jello Wrestling as a Church Fund-Raising Activity

Among the suggestions from fund-raising books is that if you wish to elicit contributions from possible donors, build something tangible or sponsor some popular form of entertainment or exhibit.

Father Devereaux of St. Cletus's Church had a pet project: a parish gym where the wayward boys and girls of the neighborhood could come to play midnight basketball rather than do drugs, watch strip shows, or follow Doctor Who on television.  He thought that this could be a springboard for reform in his moribund inner-city parish.

So he and the Parish Council had a bright idea: why not have an exhibition of religious art?  They could borrow statues and other works from nearby parishes as well as from the Archdiocese, and stage it in the Parish Hall.  And Fr. Devereaux had connections with the media, you betcha!

So, with great toil, they put together a triumph of tasteless religious art: a collection of bland, inconsequential church statues and Stations that numbed the aesthetic spirit worse than a visit to a Thomas Kinkade gallery!  Needless to say, it was underattended, and not pulling in much money at all.

So the Good Father had an inspiration: "Give 'em what they like!"

But being the naive cleric that he was, he asked for advice.  One person he asked was Crazy Chester, the local equine actuary.

Crazy Chester came up with a succinct answer: "Jello wrestling."

Now this was a new concept, so he asked further for advice on this concept.

Chester elaborated.  "First you get a wading pool and fill it with solidified Jello.  It will take time, so borrow a ice house to do it.  Then you get some hot chicks, you know; wearing bikinis, and have them wrestle in the stuff."

Chester further added, "It's better if you get hot local celebrities.  And it's no problem finding them.  Some will do anything for the attention."  Since Crazy Chester was on the Parish Finance Committee and knew all about fund-raising, our naive cleric went with the scheme.

Well, to shorten this tale, and give it the possible New Orleans twist, they came up with a Jello wrestling tourney with eight participants, including Ousier Hébert, Madeline the Prophetess, Wanda the Dominatrix, and others.  The headline event featured Suzette the Existential Stripper wrestling Missy Chauvin of Action News.  The tournament was duly covered on the sports pages of the Times-Picyaune.  While both Suzette and Missy were hesitant at first, they were properly persuaded by the worthiness of the cause!

Madeline the Prophetess included the Jello Wrestling Tournament in the coverage by betting parlor, giving most of the proceeds to St. Cletus's Church.  And the Archbishop, upon watching Action News, went for more aspirin.

Do It Yourself!

A French cartoon on why husbands should cheerfully do home repairs when requested.  [Click to enlarge or expand]

 

Boudreaux Couldn't Tell the Difference

Thibodeaux was in his house oen day and heard a knock at his door. He opened it to find a campaign worker soliciting votes for Pierre Boudreaux who was running for office in the parish.

Thibodeaux said, "I ain't nerrer gonna vote for Pierre Boudreaux evah in my life." The campaign worker asked why.

"Well, lemme tell ya a little story," Thibodeaux said. "About 10 years ago my cow, Bessie, gots the constipation real bad. I called the vet and he said he had some medicine that he could give her to fix it. Now he could either come out and give it to her for fifty dollar, or he could sell me the meds for twenty and I give it to ol' Bessie myself. I figure I can give the cow medicine, so I go into town and buy the medicine and save me a bit of money. It turns out that I have to put the medicine in her butt, and when I get home I start looking around for something I could use to do that, and I find my grandpappy's old army bugle. I stick that bugle in ol' Bessie, and it spooks her and she takes off down the road towards the bayou making all kinda crazy noise."

The campaign worker asked Thibodeaux "How does this involve Pierre Boudreaux?"

Thibodeaux continued, "Pierre Boudreaux was working as the bridge keeper at the drawbridge back then, and just as Bessie comes running down the road, he hits the button and the draw bridge goes up. Bessie runs up the bridge and falls into the bayou and drowns."

"I can understand how that must have upset you sir, but Pierre Boudreaux hasn't worked the bridge in over 25 years. Isn't that a long time to hold a grudge?"

Thibodaux replied, "I ain't holdin no grudge...Pierre Boudreaux bought me a new cow. But I ain't votin for no son of a bitch who is too dumb to know the difference between a boat horn and a cow with a bugle in its ass."

Outrageousness in Calendars

About this time each year, there's the annual display of the calendars for the coming year on sale in bookstores and grocery stores.  For $12 to $15, the purchaser can obtain a monthly changing work of art for the wall.  And, with it, put her or his cultural tastes on the line for others to see.

There are the tame subject matters, often selected by middle-class homes and classrooms: pictures of dogs, kittys, horses, natural scenery.

And for guys (and gals leaning in that direction), there's the swimsuit calendars; the most widely sold being the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar.  And, with smaller production values and usually with smaller circulations, there's the university- or sports team-specific calendars:

Kansas_University

University_of_Kentucky

Sometimes these stir up controversy:

Central Michigan

But, mostly, controversy is free publicity that drives up sales.

I'm sure there will be others.  I just wanted to make the point.

And then there are the art calendars; especially favoring the Impressionists and the Preraphaelites.  I'm sure there are a few that include German Expressionism; and (who knows) maybe even Soviet Realism.  And unusual interests:

Steampunk

Underwater Dogs

I wonder if someone will come up with really grotesque ones.  To my knowledge, a calendar dedicated to controversial art works has not been marketed.  Howver, Manet's Olympia and Goya's Disasters of War should surely be included.  Maybe they might even make space for Robert Mapplethorpe or Andres Serrano; even though (in my opinion) their fame rests on a succès de scandale and not on any enduring value.

RyanAir Cabin Crew made a calendar, with the proceeds going to charity:

How about a calendar honoring a tavern:

Or Jersey Guys:

But wouldn't the last frontier be a Members of Congress Swimsuit Calendar?  Can you imagine Harry Reid or Mitch McConnell or David Vitter decked out in a speedo?  Or how about Nancy Pelosi in a bikini?  Are you ready for some lunch now?