Jello Wrestling as a Church Fund-Raising Activity

Among the suggestions from fund-raising books is that if you wish to elicit contributions from possible donors, build something tangible or sponsor some popular form of entertainment or exhibit.

Father Devereaux of St. Cletus's Church had a pet project: a parish gym where the wayward boys and girls of the neighborhood could come to play midnight basketball rather than do drugs, watch strip shows, or follow Doctor Who on television.  He thought that this could be a springboard for reform in his moribund inner-city parish.

So he and the Parish Council had a bright idea: why not have an exhibition of religious art?  They could borrow statues and other works from nearby parishes as well as from the Archdiocese, and stage it in the Parish Hall.  And Fr. Devereaux had connections with the media, you betcha!

So, with great toil, they put together a triumph of tasteless religious art: a collection of bland, inconsequential church statues and Stations that numbed the aesthetic spirit worse than a visit to a Thomas Kinkade gallery!  Needless to say, it was underattended, and not pulling in much money at all.

So the Good Father had an inspiration: "Give 'em what they like!"

But being the naive cleric that he was, he asked for advice.  One person he asked was Crazy Chester, the local equine actuary.

Crazy Chester came up with a succinct answer: "Jello wrestling."

Now this was a new concept, so he asked further for advice on this concept.

Chester elaborated.  "First you get a wading pool and fill it with solidified Jello.  It will take time, so borrow a ice house to do it.  Then you get some hot chicks, you know; wearing bikinis, and have them wrestle in the stuff."

Chester further added, "It's better if you get hot local celebrities.  And it's no problem finding them.  Some will do anything for the attention."  Since Crazy Chester was on the Parish Finance Committee and knew all about fund-raising, our naive cleric went with the scheme.

Well, to shorten this tale, and give it the possible New Orleans twist, they came up with a Jello wrestling tourney with eight participants, including Ousier Hébert, Madeline the Prophetess, Wanda the Dominatrix, and others.  The headline event featured Suzette the Existential Stripper wrestling Missy Chauvin of Action News.  The tournament was duly covered on the sports pages of the Times-Picyaune.  While both Suzette and Missy were hesitant at first, they were properly persuaded by the worthiness of the cause!

Madeline the Prophetess included the Jello Wrestling Tournament in the coverage by betting parlor, giving most of the proceeds to St. Cletus's Church.  And the Archbishop, upon watching Action News, went for more aspirin.