A local Cheyenne news reporter managed to obtain an interview with a real cowgirl on how to Dress for Success in the West. This is what transpired.
"Good evening, folks. Tonight's guest is Cowgirl Melinda, fresh off the prairie; and our topic is dressing for success on the prairie."
Melinda: "Err.....err.....Yeah, thanks, Gwyenth. I'm supposed to tell how to dress when you're away from the big cities. Now people from metropolises like Cheyenne or Casper know how to outfit themselves; but outlanders from the likes of Denver or Omaha or Noo Yawk don't have a junebug's clue! Remember, form follows function."
Gwyenth: "I know what you mean, but can you give us some specifics, Melinda?"
Melinda: "Shore nuff. First off: Don't put on boots when wearing a skirt. You look plumb silly. Boots go with jeans. End of story.
"When wearing a skirt, If you're gonna wear tall heels, get some practice in wearing them before you go in public. Nothing spoils the effect of showing off your legs while wearing f***-me shoes* like falling on your butt or especially your face and getting a case of nosebleed!
"For most occasion, jeans are the way to go. But let them be blue jeans. No colored jeans or carpenter's jeans. Don't get them pre-faded; let your ordinary doins' take care of the process. And it's okay to wear guys' jeans. They don't emphasize the butt so much and sometimes come in handy."
Gwyenth: "Oh really, how?" But then she thought and thought it best not to go there on television.
Melinda: Don't wear jodhpurs. Ever. Not even if you lose an election bet. And yoga pants are only for leisure wear and never around the campfire.
"You can be pretty free with your shirt selections: T-shirts when it's fairly hot; long-sleeved shirts of either a solid or plaid pattern. But don't do orange. That color might upset the critters. And don't wear a Colorado Buffaloes or Nebraska Cornhuskers t-shirt or sweat shirt. Those kind are regarded as worn only by untrustworthy heathens.
"You know, don't go in for those western styling shirts, either; unless you're trying to pass as a tenderfoot or a hillbilly singer. It's okay to look like you're a shit-kicker in Nashville, not Rawlins.
Don't tie your shirt underneath in order to bare your midriff, 'less you're Shania Twain or a belly dancer left off at Little America.
"For much of the year, a nice, comfortable denim jacket will compliment your ensemble. But don't have it tricked out with rhinestones or such useless stuff unless you're trying to look like an Easterner slumming in the West.
"And a word about Nudie suits or jackets: Don't. Unless you're a country and western singer on stage. And, even then, don't wear one with rhinestone guitars or banjos on it! Wearing one to breakfast in the Buffalo Café would cause some of the old-timers to lose their fodder.
"Your hat should be chosen with care. It should fit, and it should reflect your own style. Stetsons look best; sombreros or derbys are not advised. Yes, it's semiokay to wear a baseball cap, but not a pith helmet. Pith on those who do. But whatever hat you wear, take it off when going indoors. It's the polite thing to do."
Gwyenth: "Very good ideas, Melinda. But what about belts?"
Melinda: "Dang me, I forgot. A nice wide western belt with a buckle should do it. It should have some western motif on it: longhorns, buffaloes, or marijuana leaves."
Gweneth: "Marijuana leaves?
Melinda: "Yeah. A cowgirl must relax sometimes."
*I regret to say that Cowgirl Melinda was bleeped.
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