The Basketball Pool

It's almost the season of Awful, Abusive American Alliteration. Alas, six to eight weeks after the ground hog has either seen his shadow or not, that bald-headed guy with logorrhea comes out to induce the feckless Louisianans to another occasion for gambling, as if they needed any more!

For several weeks offfices have had their various basketball pools; and even those who might not be able to distinguish a backetball from a soccer ball are induced to feed the kitty and make their picks. One office was particularly nonexclusive in inducing people to bet; and their players included the Lucky Dog guy, the UPS guy, the Prophetess, the "I know where you got your shoes, Mister" con artist, the St. Anne in a Towel Lady and even the Blatantly Gay Guy from the Mailroom (BGGM).  Outsiders helped make the pot larger, you see.

It started off first with March Madness, then the Sweet Sixteen. That has something to do with sixteen teams eliminating each other until there's a Final Four, which included Duke, Kentucky, Yukon, and some other team whose name is hidden with WMDs or that extra stocking I can't find. Anyway, it's a simple wager: the one that picks the most winners gets the pot!

The algorithm for picking winners varied from person to person. Some based those on won-loss records; some on the strength of the respective conferences. Some, with no sense of adventure at all, went with the Las Vegas oddsmakers. The receptionist (a blonde) chose her teams on their uniform colors. At least two thought it had something to do with ballroom dancing because of Mr. Vitale referring to it as The Big Dance. The Prophetess accessed her Moral Rectitude Information Base, and selected teams which seemed to be holier: Notre Dame. The Lucky Dog guy picked LSU all the way, even though they weren't in the tournament. Our BGGM admired the cut of the team uniforms, and selected those who fit better in their baggy pants. The Political Correct Fanatic selected teams with inoffensive names.

Anyway, to the guys' chagrin, there are now three people who are in the running for the pot: The Blatantly Gay Guy from the Mailroom, the Prophetess, and the receptionist. Anyway, if Yukon wins, then the BGGM gets the kitty. If North Carolina wins, then it gets split between the Prophetess and the other blonde. It is not known whether any of the three possible winners would actually watch the game tonight.

Décolletage Ministry

This term refers to the practice of advertising one's religiosity by wearing significant décolletage and having a cross suspended between the breasts. This is especially effective if the practitioner has either very prominent breasts or is not wearing a bra.

 Jessica, who was both very religious and had been embarassed by her rather prominent breasts, made them into a spiritual asset by practicing décolletage ministry. She found it more effective than the John 3:16 signs.

--posted in Urban Dictionary by me, January 24, 2006.

This is for true; strange to say.  There are some people who intentionally use this approach to spread the Good Word.  Can we call that the Good Look?

Her technique might be over-the-top; proving that subtlety is usually best.  I would suggest that she wear a small, gold crucifix instead.

In recent news from Britain, the government there is going to argue that Christians have no right to wear a crucifix at work:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/9136191/Christians-have-no-right-to-wear-cross-at-work-says-Government.html

Sometimes government can act tottally like douchebags.  A wise boss (a rara avis) knows not to be too prescriptive when it comes to fashion or adornment choice for ladies.
Funny thing, I suddenly have an urge to wear one, even though there is absolutely no likelihood of it happening here.

Politics and Stripping

Verlinda, the owner of the Rancid Rabbit, a notorious strip club in Atlanta, had a problem.  No, not the usual brawl between intoxicated customers or between one and the bouncer: this one involved several dancers in the dressing room.  What was worse, it made the newspapers and got the attention of the A.P.D. and the G.B.I.  After separating the pugulistettes and general getting everyone calmed down, she questioned them in detail as to how the brawl came about.  After all, Verlinda ran a nice place, and she expected her strippers to act like Southern ladies even though her place was located in that Heart of Darkness: Atlanta.

It turned out that it was over politics:  some of her lasses were confirmed Republicans, and some were Democrats; none of which was hesitant to voice her opinion, whether requested or not.  This was potentially harmful to business -- but Verlinda was advised by her cut-rate lawyer and pool boy that by summarily forbidding voicing political opinions, she was treading on First Amendment rights!  No, that wouldn't do.

So Verlinda did some thinking further, and decided to make a lemonade out of the lemon that she had.  Go over the top; and advertise that she had both Republican and Democratic strippers to entertain 'gentlemen' wishing for that form of enlightenment.  And, to make it attractive to her staff, she funded them for red or blue stripper outfits, depending on their preference.

She told them, "You gotta have a gimmick."  The girls heard that before; and were sorry that she rented the DVD of "Gypsy" so often.

I'm pleased to say that Verlinda's performers really got into the spirit of things, with three of them (one Republican, one Democrat, and one Libertarian filing for the State House of Representatives in their respective districts.  They were looked upon by much of the electorate as a breath of fresh air and moral probity; after all, the politician/dancers/strippers promised complete transparency and openness in their management of public affairs!  After all, wrestlers, actors, doctors, and even porn star have risen to the civic occasion and served in their own way.  Voters can be broad-minded!



Rachel must get her Republican rest; conserving her
energies for the Federal Program-Slashing Dance





Lenten Penances for the Tens

As a sometimes commenter on matters religious (it beats practicing them seriously), I think that doing penitential practices should change with the times. After all, can you get a good hair shirt at D. H. Holmes nowadays and many of us are not au courant with those prayers we're supposed to recite repetitively.  Plus, many of us have been spending our energies in the past few days doing things that we should repent! (But not today.  A lot of people are defiantly showing up in their workplaces wearing Mardi Gras beads.)


Anyway, here's a few possible Lenten penances you should consider.  Please send me some reasonable royalties.


1. Reading every bit of spam e-mail that you receive.
2. Singing "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to its completion.
3. Listening to all albums of the Backstreet Boys and N' sync.
4. Tofu Burgers.
5. Sitting in Introductory Sociology with the losers.

6. Watching Sixty Minutes without lust.
7. Wearing lavender socks or hose with your short black dress.
8. Worming the lab animals.
9. Cleaning out the garage.
10. Having a date with Carrot Top.

11. Cleaning the espresso machine.
12. Listening to "Feelings."
13. Dating someone who is really into March Madness.
14. Listening to any of Christina Aguliera's albums.
15. Spending Spring Break in a convent.

16. Giving up coffee.
17. Watching "The Dating Game" nightly.
18. Going to try on swimsuits with a sarcastic friend.
19. Serving on the Parish Spring Festival Committee.
20. Making those dental and medical appointments you've been avoiding.

21. Finally starting to read Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust.
22. Babysitting your nieces and nephews while your siblings go away for a weekend.
23. Cleaning up what is under your bed.
24. Cleaning out your closet.
25. Cleaning out the oven.

26. Giving up beignets
27. Watching the golf channel.
28. Taking a cruise ship to Lake Charles, Louisiana.
29. Working as a Hooters' waitress.
30. Being cheerful to telemarketers.


31. Giving up makeup.
32. Doing family members' income taxes.
33. Reading Pilgrim's Progress.
34. Attending the Masses done by Fr. Motormouth -- who does one hour sermons.
35. Being the one to clean the fish caught by everyone else.

36. Volunteering for substituting for a professor who has an 8:00 A.M. class in physiological psychology.
37. Doing anything at City Hall.
38. Using any "user-friendly" sight maintained by our government.
39. Going back to Ay-Oh-Hell, if it still exists..
40. Spading up the flower beds.

41.  Adopting Bud Lite as your brew of choice.
42.  Baby-sitting anyone over aged ten . . . . no, make that eight.
43.  Wearing a corset or bustle or some other Medieval torture device.
44.  Watching Suburbgatory.



[I refer to the current decade as the "Teens." We really haven't gotten any agreement as to what to call them.]

The Right to Privacy and the Word 'Friend'

I saw this disturbing paragraph at the Time magazine web site; considering it's close to home and has some real-life implications, I thought I'd quote it:

"According to Sullivan, student athletes at several colleges nationwide are required to friend a coach or compliance officer on Facebook. MSNBC cites this requirement from the University of North Carolina’s student-athlete handbook as an example typical of many colleges: “Each team must identify at least one coach or administrator who is responsible for having access to and regularly monitoring the content of team members’ social-networking sites and postings.” It also says, “The athletics department also reserves the right to have other staff members monitor athletes post,” leaving the door open for the university to use outside social-media-monitoring companies."

Read more: http://moneyland.time.com/2012/03/06/background-check-for-the-digital-age-employers-colleges-ask-for-facebook-passwords/?iid=sl-main-mostpop2#ixzz1oRe6aKvp

Okay, okay........this seems to be an egregious intrusion into the private, as opposed to the public, domain of a class of university students.  This totally sucks!  Bad kitty!

I can understand the anxieties that athletic departments have regarding possible possible misconduct of athletes, and they tend to regard them as property, in a way.  But, should universities have carte blanche to manage their students lives to such a degree?  Clearly, they have a right to expect the team members to show up for practices and games, and do their best, but they need to understand the limits of their power.  When will it stop?  Will they decide to set dress codes for what the athletes wear to class?  Will they vet the athletes' choices for boyfriends or girlfriends?  [A former Texas Tech coach actually made disparaging remarks about his players' 'fat little girlfriends!']

And will it stop with athletes?  When will they start monitoring the Facebook pages of graduate assistants?  Or profs?  Would I want some Dean to be my Facebook 'friend.'  Look for aviating swine when that occurs!

Erving Goffman coined the term 'total environment' back in the 1960's to refer to any setting in which there is extraordinary control over its residents.  These would include prisons, institutions for the mentally retarded, boarding schools, convents, and military bases (at least back then, I guess).  Universities did a little mild version of that back years ago with in loco parentis, with.  And I guess students found ways to get around that.  Anyway, I hope so.  The dead hand of administration tries to confound a lot of normal human tendencies.

And this notion of having to 'friend' a coach or some other official in order to be able to play........does that make that person a true 'friend.'  Maybe Facebook should add a spearate but equal access category to their catch-all term 'friend.' 

Call that category 'Commisar.'

Actually, it's not just the athletic departments at fault, it's the widespread abuse of the term 'friend.'  When I started posting at cheezburger.com, several people asked if I would 'friend' them; and, being amiable, I complied to the tune of 250 'friends.'  Actually, a small number people I'm met in person, like Heidi and Elvis.  But when you add the possible move that Facebook allows, namely unfriending,' I just don't have the heart.

The Millisteve as a Unit of Masculine Coolness

Background

Previously, a unit of feminine beauty, the millihelen, has already been proposed. This useful concept, based on the conceit that because Helen of Troy was rumored to cause the launching of a thousand ships, you could express the degree of feminine beauty in terms of how many ships a given female would she cause to be launched. For example, if Heidi Klum inspired the sailors of 44 ships to go out, she would warrant a rating of 44 millihelens. And Megan Fox would draw the exertions of ten ships, gaining her 10 millihelens.

Guys, of course, are not required to be beautiful. As a matter of fact, evolutionary psychologists have proposed the women choose potential mates on the basis of being a good provider, having higher status, liking children (and pets), being ambitious and industrious, being dependable, having athletic process, and having good health. Less emphasis is placed on physical attractiveness, except as a possible index of good health (Buss, 2004). However, many of those important traits may be summarized in terms of how cool the guy manages to be (or dissemble).

The Concept

I am indebted to the movie, The Tao of Steve, for this idea. In that movie, the male protagonist noted that really, really cool guys tended to be named Steve. For example, the actor Steve McQueen, still charismatic in the reruns of The Magnificent Seven, The Getaway, and Bullitt, the Hawaiian detective character Steve McGarett, and Apple's Steve Jobs. Does coolness devolve to Steveness? Perhaps so; therefore, if we could express how cool a guy is in terms of how much Steveness he has, we'd have a workable measure.

Therefore, I propose the unit of measure, the millisteve. A man (or boy) measuring one millisteve has one/thousandth the degree of coolness of Steve McQueen or Steve Jobs.

Some Examples

My extra X-chromosome entitles me to an opinion on this, okay?

Name	Millisteves
Matthew McConaughey	33
Hugh Jackman	28
Timothy Olyphant	49
Matt Bomer	11
Matt Damon	34
Hugh Grant	7
Johnny Depp	18
Danny Bonaduce	3
Anthony Michael Hall	5
Alec Baldwin	2

And Now, Something for the Guys:

Implications for Males

Once you all get this point in mind, you guys can score a winning impression and possibly score in other ways, too. [Swear now that you will use this information for good only!] I'll admit, women and girls are confusing for males who are inclined only toward the black-and-white obvious and unable to get subtleties. After all, how good are they at getting hints? And, they're well-known to be disposed to like action movies or the Three Stooges.

Here's the essence. Just ask yourself, What Would Steve Do? (WWSD!) And do the same.

Yes. Be Steve.

Buss, D. M. (2004). Evolutionary Psychology, 2nd ed. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.

National Other Woman Day

February 14th is the day that flower vendors, greeting card makers, and jewelers are in their glory: this day is maximally utilized as a point-of-sale opportunity and probably could not go much further.  Also, National Administrative Assistants' Day had emerged a generation ago into one of those mandatory greeting card, gift, and take her out to lunch occasions (hopefully not upsetting the office routine overly much).  And St. Patrick's Day is emerging as a carding occasion, with green-colored greeting cards with shamrocks, leprechauns, St. Patrick, Irish Setters, sexy red-headed colleens, and harps.  And allusions to beer!  (Guinness, no doubt!)

Cinco de Mayo is another possible card and gift occasion, but it must be approached with care to avoid offensive stereotypes.  Still, the Mexican colors of red, white, and green and pretty senoritas will get far.  And coy reminders of Modelo, Pacifico, or Coronas as well.

But the Special Occasion Development Committee was in their annual session to explore new, improved money-making opportunities for businesses to sell more things.  After all, it's the American Way; and both Republicans and Democrats agree: What brings in more tax money is good for America!

To assist the Committee in coming up with new ideas, munchies and margaritas were provided.  Additionally, some used a small amount of weed or nose candy!  (Those types of trades do have affluence enough to keep them in pricier vices, if I may dish on them!!!!)

After several hours of committee thought, Philbert de Quesnay came up with an idea that he raised with his colleagues: Why not have a National Mistress Day.  Michelle LaBelle took up from there in the brainstorming process.

"We could plan it for December 26th.  And this could be a Mandatory Flower Occasion."

Walter Wascoe took it up: "This could be a seriously ostentatious jewelry occasion also; and it would dovetail with lingerie sales too.  Think of those sexy teddies or guepieres or edible panties that could be sold."  Michelle rolled her eyes, imagining herself in one of those flimsies.

Benton Bullard piped up for the greeting card establishment.  "This is just a full of win idea.  And we can sell different types of Other Woman Day cards:  How about wife-to-mistress woman cards?  After all, some wives might think that she should send some kind of acknowledgement to her husband's mistress because she does the heavy lifting!  Walter snickered at Benton's prissiness.

Clive Beaumont said, "Now, wait . . . . we have a great preliminary concept here; but aren't we making its scope unnecessarily short due to packaging this occasion only for the high end of the market.  After all, how many men can afford mistresses?  Maybe we should term it a little different, like National Kept Woman Day or National Grisette Day (Beaumont enjoyed La Boheme).

"Naw, that's too esoteric.  But we need to select a way of referring to the day in nonmoralistic terms.  How about National Other Woman Day?"

There was immediate consensus, as this seemed like an idea whose time as come.  Even the representative of the power tools manufacturers thought of National Other Woman Day as a possible occasion to gift her with a new power drill!  (Be still, my heart!)  The first National Other Woman Day also saw the launching of the prestigious Wife/Other Woman Doubles Tournament in tennis!

When it came to launching the idea of National Other Woman Day, they selected certain prestigious magazines and the three major newspapers of record.  And certain former politicians who had Other Women were signed up as spokespersons, like two former Governors of New York, a former Governor of South Carolina, and a former U.S. Representative. 

So it came to pass: December 26, 2012 became the first National Other Woman Day.