Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Millisteve as a Unit of Masculine Coolness


Previously, a unit of feminine beauty, the millihelen, has already been proposed. This useful concept, based on the conceit that because Helen of Troy was rumored to cause the launching of a thousand ships, you could express the degree of feminine beauty in terms of how many ships a given female would she cause to be launched. For example, if Heidi Klum inspired the sailors of 44 ships to go out, she would warrant a rating of 44 millihelens. And Megan Fox would draw the exertions of ten ships, gaining her 10 millihelens.

Guys, of course, are not required to be beautiful. As a matter of fact, evolutionary psychologists have proposed the women choose potential mates on the basis of being a good provider, having higher status, liking children (and pets), being ambitious and industrious, being dependable, having athletic process, and having good health. Less emphasis is placed on physical attractiveness, except as a possible index of good health (Buss, 2004). However, many of those important traits may be summarized in terms of how cool the guy manages to be (or dissemble).

The Concept

I am indebted to the movie, The Tao of Steve, for this idea. In that movie, the male protagonist noted that really, really cool guys tended to be named Steve. For example, the actor Steve McQueen, still charismatic in the reruns of The Magnificent Seven, The Getaway, and Bullitt, the Hawaiian detective character Steve McGarett, and Apple's Steve Jobs. Does coolness devolve to Steveness? Perhaps so; therefore, if we could express how cool a guy is in terms of how much Steveness he has, we'd have a workable measure.

Therefore, I propose the unit of measure, the millisteve. A man (or boy) measuring one millisteve has one/thousandth the degree of coolness of Steve McQueen or Steve Jobs.

Some Examples

My extra X-chromosome entitles me to an opinion on this, okay?

Name Millisteves
Matthew McConaughey      33
Hugh Jackman28
Timothy Olyphant49
Matt Bomer11
Matt Damon34
Hugh Grant7
Johnny Depp18
Danny Bonaduce3
Anthony Michael Hall5
Alec Baldwin 2

And Now, Something for the Guys:

Implications for Males

Once you all get this point in mind, you guys can score a winning impression and possibly score in other ways, too. [Swear now that you will use this information for good only!] I'll admit, women and girls are confusing for males who are inclined only toward the black-and-white obvious and unable to get subtleties. After all, how good are they at getting hints? And, they're well-known to be disposed to like action movies or the Three Stooges.

Here's the essence. Just ask yourself, What Would Steve Do? (WWSD!) And do the same.

Yes. Be Steve.

Buss, D. M. (2004). Evolutionary Psychology, 2nd ed. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.


Banana Oil said...

An interesting concept. But there's something to be said for guys that are easily pleased, like with action movies or the Three Stooges.

Big Sky Heidi said...

Why not use the millibill instead: consider the ubernerd Bill Gates. Or Billy the Kid. Or Captain Billy and his famous Whiz-Bang?

Mike said...

I know a Steve that insists on being called Steven.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Trust me: being an Elvis didn't help; but it made for jokes at job interviews.

Bilbo said...

It was only a matter of time before someone came up with a male equivalent of the millihelen, and you did a fine job of it. But I also like Heidi's idea ... I knew there was another reason I like her ... other than, well, you know ...

eViL pOp TaRt said...

BO -- Easily pleased guys are a good thing.

E -- I bet you got tired of hearing that you left the building. ......Uh, you couldn't, you weren't there.

M -- Is he a troublemaker?

H -- Also a good idea, but for straightforward cool guys.

B -- Merci beaucoup. I think those assets are hard to overlook.

Anemone said...

Some guys stand out in coolness. There is no substitute. Actually, a good rule of thumb is, would you like to be laid by him? Sorry for my bluntness.