Friday, March 9, 2012

Lenten Penances for the Tens

As a sometimes commenter on matters religious (it beats practicing them seriously), I think that doing penitential practices should change with the times. After all, can you get a good hair shirt at D. H. Holmes nowadays and many of us are not au courant with those prayers we're supposed to recite repetitively.  Plus, many of us have been spending our energies in the past few days doing things that we should repent! (But not today.  A lot of people are defiantly showing up in their workplaces wearing Mardi Gras beads.)

Anyway, here's a few possible Lenten penances you should consider.  Please send me some reasonable royalties.

1. Reading every bit of spam e-mail that you receive.
2. Singing "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to its completion.
3. Listening to all albums of the Backstreet Boys and N' sync.
4. Tofu Burgers.
5. Sitting in Introductory Sociology with the losers.

6. Watching Sixty Minutes without lust.
7. Wearing lavender socks or hose with your short black dress.
8. Worming the lab animals.
9. Cleaning out the garage.
10. Having a date with Carrot Top.

11. Cleaning the espresso machine.
12. Listening to "Feelings."
13. Dating someone who is really into March Madness.
14. Listening to any of Christina Aguliera's albums.
15. Spending Spring Break in a convent.

16. Giving up coffee.
17. Watching "The Dating Game" nightly.
18. Going to try on swimsuits with a sarcastic friend.
19. Serving on the Parish Spring Festival Committee.
20. Making those dental and medical appointments you've been avoiding.

21. Finally starting to read Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust.
22. Babysitting your nieces and nephews while your siblings go away for a weekend.
23. Cleaning up what is under your bed.
24. Cleaning out your closet.
25. Cleaning out the oven.

26. Giving up beignets
27. Watching the golf channel.
28. Taking a cruise ship to Lake Charles, Louisiana.
29. Working as a Hooters' waitress.
30. Being cheerful to telemarketers.

31. Giving up makeup.
32. Doing family members' income taxes.
33. Reading Pilgrim's Progress.
34. Attending the Masses done by Fr. Motormouth -- who does one hour sermons.
35. Being the one to clean the fish caught by everyone else.

36. Volunteering for substituting for a professor who has an 8:00 A.M. class in physiological psychology.
37. Doing anything at City Hall.
38. Using any "user-friendly" sight maintained by our government.
39. Going back to Ay-Oh-Hell, if it still exists..
40. Spading up the flower beds.

41.  Adopting Bud Lite as your brew of choice.
42.  Baby-sitting anyone over aged ten . . . . no, make that eight.
43.  Wearing a corset or bustle or some other Medieval torture device.
44.  Watching Suburbgatory.

[I refer to the current decade as the "Teens." We really haven't gotten any agreement as to what to call them.]


Mike said...

9. I need to do that anyway.
16. I can't believe people actually drink that nasty stuff.
20. That's what old people do for fun.
27. So I could do that while you suuuffffeeerrrred?
35. I do all my fishing at the grocery store.
43. If I make you do that will you bring your whips and chains too?

Big Sky Heidi said...

I think that being a Hooters waitress would be a real Hoot!

Duckbutt said...

Those penances would be worthy of Fray Savonarola.

Bilbo said...

My dear Angelique, you have a very twisted mind to come up with some of these fiendish penances. As an alternative to #30, how about "Listen politely to the full length of each political robocall" ?

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Mike -- No, I aspire to respire.
#20 -- I must be getting old.

Heidi -- Me too, bit I can't pass the physical.

Duckbutt -- He desirved being burned at the stake, or at least getting a bad stake.

Bilbo -- Now that's TOO fiendish. I would remain unshriven.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Why not a list of special Lent sins for a balanced approach?