Recently Action News Morning Show in New Orleans featured a series of interviews with locals on how to deal with this serious issue:
Missy Chauvin, moderator: "How to get your best bikini body ever. If there's ever an article title appearing on a magazine's cover during the late winter or early spring that evokes terrors, this is it!
Yes, you may have enjoyed a few snacks over the months, your tan is underwhelming, you have accomplished few of your fitness goals, and all of those possibilities for regrets -- but chill a little, dawlin'! Here's a few local Orleanians with some tips on how to cope."
[Video shifts to each interviewee in turn.]
Clotilde Badeaux: "Start off by loving your body. No one is likely to be as critical of it as you are. As a matter of fact, when guys see you in a swimsuit, they are ready to like!"
Suzette, the Existential Stripper: "I sometimes have this problem despite my profession. My suggestion is to start a deliberate fitness program about the time of Groundhog Day. Of course, you can move to Minneapolis and never have to worry about this at all. Even the strippers there wear long johns."
Madeline the Prophetess: "If you're overly scrupulous about modesty, I suggest that you start off by wearing a jacket or short robe over your swimsuit, and gradually get comfortable baring more. Oh, and to be safe, pray for St. Buffy's* help in overcoming your concerns.
Tina Moreaux: "Often women worry about their caboose. Tell yourself, if Kim Kardashian can flaunt hers on the cover of a magazine, you will pass too."**
Megan O'Connor: "If you see you have a muffin top visible when wearing a cropped top, get a new bikini, preferably in a becoming shade of green. Wearing that shade compares you favorably to Babar the Elephant. And, trust me***, it's less noticeable if you go full throttle wearing a bikini from the start."
Luisa Gomez: "Wear whatever you like; but go with a friend who dresses like a putain! They will notice her instead."
Fiona Carlyle, exercise guru: "The bad news is that you have to reduce sodium and carbohydrate intake, cease to drink alcohol, drink at least eight glasses of water daily, and exercise. Do both the treadmill and weights. Especially do ab crunches."
Missy: "There you have it, folks. Very clearly, New Orleanians are taking their preparations for swimsuit season very seriously, even if it's a few months away and they may be expecting a warm Mardi Gras.
*Patron saint of bikini-wearers; probably not a real saint.
**She didn't break the internet, did she?
***Megan is a member of the local Bar as well as the President of the Daughters of Hibernia.
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