Friday, January 30, 2015

How to Get Your Best Bikini Body Ever!

Recently Action News Morning Show in New Orleans featured a series of interviews with locals on how to deal with this serious issue:

Missy Chauvin, moderator:  "How to get your best bikini body ever.  If there's ever an article title appearing on a magazine's cover during the late winter or early spring that evokes terrors, this is it!

Yes, you may have enjoyed a few snacks over the months, your tan is underwhelming, you have accomplished few of your fitness goals, and all of those possibilities for regrets -- but chill a little, dawlin'! Here's a few local Orleanians with some tips on how to cope."  

[Video shifts to each interviewee in turn.]

Clotilde Badeaux:  "Start off by loving your body. No one is likely to be as critical of it as you are. As a matter of fact, when guys see you in a swimsuit, they are ready to like!"

Suzette, the Existential Stripper:  "I sometimes have this problem despite my profession. My suggestion is to start a deliberate fitness program about the time of Groundhog Day. Of course, you can move to Minneapolis and never have to worry about this at all. Even the strippers there wear long johns."

Madeline the Prophetess:  "If you're overly scrupulous about modesty, I suggest that you start off by wearing a jacket or short robe over your swimsuit, and gradually get comfortable baring more. Oh, and to be safe, pray for St. Buffy's* help in overcoming your concerns.

Tina Moreaux:  "Often women worry about their caboose. Tell yourself, if Kim Kardashian can flaunt hers on the cover of a magazine, you will pass too."**

Megan O'Connor:  "If you see you have a muffin top visible when wearing a cropped top, get a new bikini, preferably in a becoming shade of green.  Wearing that shade compares you favorably to Babar the Elephant. And, trust me***, it's less noticeable if you go full throttle wearing a bikini from the start."

Luisa Gomez:  "Wear whatever you like; but go with a friend who dresses like a putain! They will notice her instead."

Fiona Carlyle, exercise guru:  "The bad news is that you have to reduce sodium and carbohydrate intake, cease to drink alcohol, drink at least eight glasses of water daily, and exercise. Do both the treadmill and weights.  Especially do ab crunches."

Missy:  "There you have it, folks.  Very clearly, New Orleanians are taking their preparations for swimsuit season very seriously, even if it's a few months away and they may be expecting a warm Mardi Gras.

*Patron saint of bikini-wearers; probably not a real saint.
**She didn't break the internet, did she?
***Megan is a member of the local Bar as well as the President of the Daughters of Hibernia.


Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Very good advice. Did anyone pose?

Linda Kay said...

My solution is this....don't wear a bikini! Fun to see those comments, Angel.

Mike said...

Everyone should just make sure they have an oil resistant suit.

Banana Oil said...

Great sketch, Angel!

TexWisGirl said...

fiona nailed it. no one wants that dose of reality. :)

Insane Penguin said...

That comment about the green bikini was so arch!

John Hill said...

If Missy Chauvin asked Angel about how to get bikini ready, what would be your response?

Hell Hound said...

Hooray for the New Orleans heat. It makes bikini season longer than in most places.

Dismal Sam said...

Why go to all that trouble?

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thank you all for dropping in and sharing your thoughts. Love you bunches!

John, I do some exercise at least five times a week, mostly running. Getting some sun is a problem, and I am careful not to overdo it lest I burn. Sun screen and sun block helps.

In general, going to tanning parlors is not advised!

Cloudia said...

Gotta say.... I just bought a ... um..bikini...Here in Waikiki we see europeans (and others) of both genders in tiny bathing costumes regardless of age or pounds or poor judgement...
so despite my better judgement, at the urging of a gal pal who loves da beach...I bought at Ross. Cheap. If It really looks aweful, I can at least wear the top under a denim jacket or something... long story short, I can;t believe i still have a mean looking little body and look not horrible! thanks for posting this so i can boast a little. (I may go in the water!) ALOHA from Honolulu

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Good going, Cloudia. You rock! I am sure you look great in the bikini, and such a lovely setting to go to the beach.

Duckbutt said...

Go for it, Cloudia!

Cloudia said...


Thanks Pals!

Cloudia said...


Thanks Pals!

Deena said...

Every woman should wear a bikini if she wants to.