Being High Maintenance

Missy Chauvin, reporter and television personality of Greater New Orleans, conducted a daytime television panel discussion on high maintenance women. To do so, she collected a motley crew of French Quarter idlers. Here's a rough transcript of the program, for what it's worth.

Missy Chauvin: "Ladies, are you high maintenance? Here's a group of guys to weigh in on this subject. Fellas, what makes a woman high maintenance?"

Al Gautreaux: "Good question, Missy. A high maintenance woman is one who makes unusual or excessive demand on her man: taking her to opera rather than a Saints football game, needing spa treatments, Clinique products rather than Bath and Body Works, and a regular succession of reassuring presents."

Missy: "So high maintenance boils down to being costly?" (Frowns)

The Lucky Dog Guy: "Not necessarily. A high maintenance woman may be simply excessive with her demands. For example, her hot dogs or andouilles must be garnished just so. In short, she is a pain; not an alcolyte of Boethius. Missin' a Saints game is real pain!"

Crazy Chester, equine actuary: "A high maintenance woman makes you carry more freight than you can carry. She's demanding. Satisfying her takes up an increasing amount of your time."

Missy: "So a woman who is high maintenance is not satisfied ---"

The Third Precinct Desk Sergeant: "Lemme tell you about two fella cops. One's lady friend is a religious type who's satisfied if he takes her to Mass on Sunday and burgers at Bud's Broiler after; the second unfortunate sucka has to take her whole dam fambly to church and dinna at a big touristy place so she can put onna ack."

The Lewd Dude: "You can tell these high maintenance types. They got ornate fingernails, hair extensions, manicures and pedicures, and wear stripper heels more than four inches high. They're really into show. And no sex for you, Bubba."

Missy: "So a high maintenance woman is not so easy? Guys, what sort of advantages go with a woman being high maintenance?"

Big Mike the Cameraman, off camera: "Well, bein' high maintenance means that she's in da driver's seat and gets the poor nunu doin' her biddin'. Gettin' him broke in for marriage as a starter husband."

Missy Chavin (in high dudgeon): "So you don't think this sort of woman will be constant in the long run?"

The Cameraman: "Well, she has a vowel movement sometime."

Missy Chauvin: "I think you have something else in mind, Mike." (under her breath): These yahoos would not know class from Shinola."