Friday, January 2, 2015

Rebranding Pestilence

War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death.  Someone had to be the least cool of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  War and Death had a iron grip on coolness when it came to mythical horsemen,  That left Famine and Pestilence.  Pestilence, however, tried a Hollywood- or Washington-type solution to his dilemma: hiring a publicist to refurbish the old image. 

Doralee Pilsudski took on this client, believing that this represented a major public relations challenge to demonstrate her awesomeness in putting lipstick on a pig.  But, she wondered, how do you emphasize the lighter and brighter side of disease?  Well, she had some ideas!

First, she needed to revamp the image of Mr. Pestilence.  Unfortunately, Albrecht Durer's famous engraving was most often seen in popular representations.  Accordingly, she prescribed some cosmetic surgery and some boot camp sessions at the gym.  After Mr. P. bulked out, was tanned, and got a contemporary hair styling, he looked somewhat like Channing Tatum!  Hmm.  Next, she recommended a sartorial change in terms of power suits instead of dressing like a character from a less successful Kevin Costner movie like Waterworld or The Postman.

Doralee then advised him to ditch his mangy horse, and take up driving a Ferrari to emphasize the fact that he is successful.  Mr. P. demurred; exclaiming that he was a horseman!  She countered that he still was, in a way: the horsepower under the hood!

Then she offered some quasi-Darwinian takes on the inevitability and desirability of diseases: they thin down the herd and reduce the number of the weakest links.  She stopped, however, at commissioning a television comedy featuring microbes and viruses as characters.  Even with the lousy fare on network television, they were not THAT desperate next.  

Furthermore, she pointed out that Mr. P. needed exposure in typical gossip magazines.  She arranged his acquaintance with several habitués of those publications who were famous for being famous.  The fact that they were also willing to wear clothing that hinted at their physical assets did not hurt, either.  Symbiosis occurs in nature, but especially in Hollywood!

In order to better serve Mr. Pestilence, Doralee asked him about his long-term plans so that she could better dovetail his expectations with the image improvement.  To no surprise, Mr. Pestilence expressed a hope of running for Congress and possibly the Presidency some day!  Finally, it all came together.  Doralee did a great job in re-imaging Pestilence knowing that he had a political future in mind! 


Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Death had hired a publicist from Hollywood, Alabama,

Mike said...

I think he may already be in congress.

TexWisGirl said...

yeah, i'm with mike. :)

Bilbo said...

Clever idea, well done! It makes one wonder whether there would be four different horsemen (horsepersons?) of the apocalypse if the bible were written today. Hmmm ... I think I feel a new post idea coming on!

Linda Kay said...

Such a great way with words and the sad reality of remaking someone...and he might actually be in Congress at this very moment. Now you have Bilbo off on another challenge!

Grand Crapaud said...

It's also hard to give Diarrhea on a Pale Horse a pleasing rebranding.

Anemone said...

A great satire on rebranding strategies.

Big Sky Heidi said...

Famine is easier to put a spin on: call it the Horseman of Effective Dieting and Weight Loss.

Julia said...

Un savi va dir:
"La riquesa de l'ésser humà es mesura per la quantitat i qualitat dels amics que tingui" Gràcies per fer-me milionària ♥Feliç Any Nou!☆❤❀ [-•‿•ิ]❀

…......... /)
……... ( , )
……..|░░░|☆ (♥)_
……..|░░░|☆ (♥)_ Feliç
…...@|░░░|¸.¤“˜¨♕~ ¨¨Any Nou
❤`•.¸¸.•´´¯`•• .¸¸.•´¯`•.•~~~☆“˜¨¨¨***2015**.*♥*.
❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ ❉ (^‿^)✿ petons

Anonymous said...

I think the descriptions are just fine. Just our interpretations are just off. I think the first 3 are impulses/sins that overtake humanity to cause it to turn against itself. Death then comes in to cull humanity.

I've come to believe the 1st horseman is Self-Righteousness/Pride: Some say he is Christ or just mimics him or even Pestilence. I think this will be an impulse by people who think they speak directly for God. ISIS is an extreme example of this.

2nd is Wrath: Its description is too clear

3rd is Greed: Not sure why it's said it's Famine. When it speaks, it talks about the price of things and curiously claims wine and oil are of great value to it. Oil is especially relevant to today. Some say famine is the end result of greed....but other things cause famine.

4th is just Death: The end result of the first 3 getting out of control including acts of God, nature or the devil's work.