Monday, January 12, 2015

The War on Hipsterism

A surprising reconciliation took place on the political front: Liberals and Conservatives, Republicans and Democrats found some common ground. No, sorry folks, it was not on health care or gay marriage or gun control, but on that universal bipartisan annoyance.

No, not diarrhea or ISIS; but being anti-diarrhea or anti-ISIS is like a given for all.

It was that both sides of the political spectrum realized that there was a common cultural flaw or social problem on which they both could work together: the dreaded hipster movement! Thankfully, our National Leadership was able to set aside their differences; President Obama called for a United Front against this threat! It was not very difficult, as even Head-in-the-Sand Republicans like John Boehner and Rigid Backside Democrats like Barbara Boxer could see the tell-tale signs: goatees on twentyish young men, ironic t-shirts, locavore food stores, artisan coffee shops, the tsunami of tedious poetry, people wearing lumberjack shirts, tattoos on both men and women, and the sudden popularity of Brooklyn, Minneapolis, Seattle, Austin, and Hoboken! This cultural cancer even spread to such unhip places as Birmingham and Bakersfield!

The President took initial action by nationalizing the Alabama and California National Guards, and intervening in those areas under hipster siege. However, those crack troops and the Texas Airborne could not stem the tide in Austin.  Clearly, other measures were needed; non-lethal ones, as hipsters could vote someday. A partial solution came when the yoga pants-wearing Ladies' Exercise Class Brigade was pressed into action, especially in concert with the Bubba Brigade of Pearl River County! Still, the President could not even prematurely unfurl his "Mission Accomplished" banner. Therefore, in consultation with Congress (being loath to blow this sudden national unity), he deployed the ultimate weapon: sound trucks loudly blaring 1960's - 1980's bubble gum pop music!* Just to be sure the job was fully done, he threw in The Spice Girls as the ultimate WMD!

*You know the genre, although you probably pretend ignorance. Does "Sugar, Sugar" or "I Think We're Alone Now" cause your foot to tap? For some reason, these musical nightmares are fodder for trendy shops. You know, the Tiffany version of "I Think We're Alone Now" is catchy....



16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like this satire on politics.

Brandi said...

It would take something like that to bring the two parties together. Hey, I'll admit to liking the Tiffany cover too. They have it on the sound track in the store.

Clarissa said...

Are you satirizing Bush, Obama, Carter, or Johnson?

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Nothing like a short-, winnable war to take the public's mind off of things. Or is that SED football?

Bilbo said...

This leads me to wonder about the use of the suffix "...ster" to denote someone of a particular class or showing some particular trait. I knew it had gone too far when my seven year-old granddaughter, who used to call me "Opa," referred to me as "The Op-ster."

Grand Crapaud said...

Sound tracks with unpopular music are sometimes used to repel teenagers from hanging out in parking lots.

Linda Kay said...

Some great responses to your great Monday post, Angel. When I was in 7th grade, there was a boy who wore a duck tale haircut, flipped his collar up, and wore tight jeans. His name was Stewart. One of the teachers would accuse us of being one of the Stewart Gang if we turned our collars up...so of course we all did. You have at least found an obscure thing for politicians to agree on!

John Hill said...

Thanks for the Monday morning smile, Angel. Well done!

Mike said...

I still tap my foot to Sugar Sugar.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JywK_5bT8z0
I'm listening to it right now.

Randomly Rachel said...

Hipsters are just hippie or beatnik wannabees.

Brandi said...

Fine satire. You have a weird sense of humor, Angel!

Brandi said...

Our store manager is known as the Turdster. He tries to be Anniston's version of a hipster.

Hell Hound said...

Hipsters are as rare as Democrats here.

Cloudia said...

The deeply square, Sears catalog clothes worn as if to say: "I'm so hip, you can tell even though I'm dressed like Ozzie Nelson"

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. -Marilyn Monroe

ALOHA from Honolulu
ComfortSpiral
<3


Big Sky Heidi said...

Is dressing like a square being hip in an ironic way?

Françoise said...

Hipsters are poseurs. They are tiresome in the extreme, like existential philosophers.