A surprising reconciliation took place on the political front: Liberals and Conservatives, Republicans and Democrats found some common ground. No, sorry folks, it was not on health care or gay marriage or gun control, but on that universal bipartisan annoyance.
No, not diarrhea or ISIS; but being anti-diarrhea or anti-ISIS is like a given for all.
It was that both sides of the political spectrum realized that there was a common cultural flaw or social problem on which they both could work together: the dreaded hipster movement! Thankfully, our National Leadership was able to set aside their differences; President Obama called for a United Front against this threat! It was not very difficult, as even Head-in-the-Sand Republicans like John Boehner and Rigid Backside Democrats like Barbara Boxer could see the tell-tale signs: goatees on twentyish young men, ironic t-shirts, locavore food stores, artisan coffee shops, the tsunami of tedious poetry, people wearing lumberjack shirts, tattoos on both men and women, and the sudden popularity of Brooklyn, Minneapolis, Seattle, Austin, and Hoboken! This cultural cancer even spread to such unhip places as Birmingham and Bakersfield!
The President took initial action by nationalizing the Alabama and California National Guards, and intervening in those areas under hipster siege. However, those crack troops and the Texas Airborne could not stem the tide in Austin. Clearly, other measures were needed; non-lethal ones, as hipsters could vote someday. A partial solution came when the yoga pants-wearing Ladies' Exercise Class Brigade was pressed into action, especially in concert with the Bubba Brigade of Pearl River County! Still, the President could not even prematurely unfurl his "Mission Accomplished" banner. Therefore, in consultation with Congress (being loath to blow this sudden national unity), he deployed the ultimate weapon: sound trucks loudly blaring 1960's - 1980's bubble gum pop music!* Just to be sure the job was fully done, he threw in The Spice Girls as the ultimate WMD!
*You know the genre, although you probably pretend ignorance. Does "Sugar, Sugar" or "I Think We're Alone Now" cause your foot to tap? For some reason, these musical nightmares are fodder for trendy shops. You know, the Tiffany version of "I Think We're Alone Now" is catchy....
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