Friday, June 25, 2010

The Truth Behind the Curse of the Bambino

This notion that a baseball team could be so unlucky as the Boston Red Sox seemed to be a mystery to me.  Surely there was some error, some misunderstanding on someone's part.  Don't the nefarious powers that be surely have bigger fish to fry? Surely, that was the case.   Anyway, in the manner of the typical hyperchick in the Middle Epoch of the Postmodern Age, I turned to that source of ultimate authority and wisdom: Google.

But, no!  It was as clear as day.  The Red Sox last won the World Series in 1920; and only one in recent times.  Although references are made to the Curse of the Bambino, there's no logical explanation for such loserly results.  But, it's in the hard facts. Baseballers are peculiar about their facts: they like them hot and ponderous, like readers of the I Ching or the Kaballah.  There are some people who tried to retrieve a piano from a lake in hopes of placating Il Bambino.  To no avail, sadly.

Another glaring fact leaped out at me. (OhMyGod!) And it was that the two Chicago teams also were terribly unlucky.  Now I've heard about the Black Sox scandal, but the Cubs seem to be as hapless and I can't figure out why.  Is it penance for the Daley machine?  So I asked my source, Nick Machiavelli, late author of Il Principe, and undercover bookie of baseball.

So I say, "Nick, talk to me.  Who's got the fix on the poor Red Sox and why?  Is it punishment for the Kennedys?  Did they ban The Great Satan's book in Boston so he has his knickers in a knot?  Did that play irritate the Big Guy that much?  What's the story?"

"Ah, Undercover Angel," Nick said.  "Long time no see.  No, it's simpler than that. Satan has no interest in baseball.  He follows soccer, and perversely calls it football. No, it's his unambitious henchman Waldo, an understudy to Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.  He's a Yankee fan, among other perversions."  Oh, and I saw his picture.  He's a tall, thin man with a bad haircut that he covers with a gaily-colored knit hat with the cursed symbol: NY.

I thought . . . . "Then it is true that the forces of evil are arrayed against the helpless Red Sox.  Would prayer or an exorcism help?  Maybe I could discuss this matter with the Cardinal Archbishop of Boston.  Surely, he's a Red Sox fan."

And then I thought some more.  A recent one got in hot water on the pedophilia issue, so he would be of no use.  Some matters are just ordained that way.  However, having invoked Waldo's name on several occasions while trying to find where he is, Unclean Spirit Waldo appeared, gaily-colored knit cap and all.  (How about this for a Demon ex machina?)

I asked Waldo why.  "Why?"

His response was simple:

"I really don't care for the Yankees.  But I can't abide a baseball team with a mispelled name.  I got some standards, you know."

"So, if the Red Sox and the White Sox start being the Red Socks and the White Socks, then they win?"

"Yes, Angel. They will.  But wearing white socks is in bad form unless you are wearing athletic clothing."

So there you go.  I managed to discover the truth behind the Curse of the Bambino.  It's okay to tip me.

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