Monday, June 7, 2010

Let's Have Swimsuit Equality!

I'm all for the equality of the sexes in all forms. However, there is one glaring setting for gender bias that our society seems unable to cope with: at the seashore or around the swimming pool. Specifically, women are required by custom and law to have both a bottom and a top, but men are only required to wear a bottom.

Now this is de facto gender inequality, something not to be countenanced in this tenth year of the 21st century in America and the 234th year of our Independence! After all, what's good for the gander should also be good for the goose as well. But there are perils to going topfree nowadays, as the current nonbiased terminology has it. Except in South Beach and other places habituated by Snowbirds off the Canadian reservation or more by those wanton Europeans, mores are squarely against the exposure of female breasts -- despite our national obsession with these topographical features. And, I'm personally uncomfortable with the idea, as I discovered through trial and error on a trip to the Italian Riviera. No, true topfree beaches are not likely to be seen around here.

But, still, work with me one this kind of reasoning, guys. I'll get to the point. The idea came to me suddenly while reading a summer book. Let's have true sexual equality in swimsuits: require guys to wear tops too! When I was in Nag's Head recently, I saw up too, too close the results of several years of American-style supersizing: a motely assortment of New York male tourists with protrubing bellies and moobs (copious adipose tissue on the chests of men.) As a matter of fact, many of these Noo Yawkers had more need of a bra than I do, and theirs with industrial-grade underwiring! Would you want to see Tony Soprano or Ted Kennedy in a speedo without a top? I think not. Very clearly, there are esthetic advantages that accrue when men don tops.

So, let's all get behind the bikini equality movement! Require both guys and gals to wear tops! Who knows, some guys might really find it to their liking to wear a particularly stylish halter, especially if they can have their preferred sports team's logo on it. Some of the more athletically-inclined and well-endowed might favor the monomastic sports bra styling, or the arty might elect a frilly bandeau, while the daring might go in for the discreet cleavage of a demi-bra! And, in benighted places like Gulf Shores or South Beach, where inhibitions are few and the High Sheriff is tolerant, the very cheeky thongs might be dared! As a matter of fact, our local guys might make the sojourn to Beverly Hills to get the implant surgery to allow them have moobs to be proud of and willing to hint at with daring swimwear!

Think about this. We can achieve true sexual equality in this area if we all work together.

5 comments:

Big Sky Heidi said...

I like this idea!

Anonymous said...

Really funny, tongue-in-cheek humor.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Notice that I didn't recommend topfree beaches!

Chili Dog Echo said...

This is delightful tongue-in-cheeck satire.

It is satire, right?

Sinner Bob said...

Some people would take it wrong.