Monday, June 14, 2010

Having a Personal Enemies List

The prospect of having an Enemies List generates mixed feelings: somehow, the notion that you should have enemies is disquieting; yet it is also satisfying that you are of sufficient importance to warrant one. And, being the softie that I am, these real or supposed enemies need not be harshly treated. There's no need for a gulag in the middle of a Louisiana swamp. (Anyway, the cost of providing sufficient snow and barbed wire for its décor makes this impractical.) And there's no need for blacklisting. I mean, if someone is rash enough to aspire to work, then who should stand in his way of self-perdition?

So, whom to include? Basically, who obtains my goat to such a degree? Here's my suggestions:

1. Well, maybe we can start with people who shout at their children and willfully bang garbage cans at 6 A.M. when the less Godly are trying to sleep.

2. And there's the Reverends who overextend the lengths of their sermons. Father, there's something to be said for a good fifteen-minute sermon. Twenty minutes is stretching it a point. A half hour is too much for most of our attention spans. especially if it's 11:00 Mass and we're expecting to be at the Superdome in time for a 1 P.M. kickoff.

3. And what about the people who do those annoying commercials? Somehow, my hair is just not as kinetic as is those of the ladies in the Pantene commercial. Those commercial hamburgers are quite a bit more plentiful than is the fare that confronts us at take-out. And the occasional Victoria's Secret commercial makes me feel like a high school team going up against the Atlanta Braves. Put those obnoxious ad copywriters on!

4. There's the shot cheats in coffee shops. Friends, a grande café latte calls for two shots, not one. Truly an enemy to all!

5. But what is one to make of the devil's spawn who developed decaf coffee? Ugh! He (or she) is definitely to be included.

6. A vice unspeakable and unsavory is the putting of mayonnaise on sandwiches. Hey, I'm broadminded, in a way. You can put peanut butter on your hamburgers, if you wish! But why does the default sandwich in fast food places call for mayonnaise? The unbidden mayonnaise-spreaders go on without fail.

7. There are the aunts who continually ask when you are going to get married. And whether you have a 'beau.' Somehow, I think that the last beau was snapped up sometime during their adolescence, if not earlier. It's amazing that there are still people that use this expression, and they need to be on the list.

8. Spammers need to be on the list.

9. The New York Yankees. It's a southern thing.

10. Notre Dame.

11. People who ask impertently personal questions.

13. Telemarketers. With special status for those who call after 10 P.M.

14. People who ridicule my accent. Actually, you da one wid da accent.

15. The ones who manage to take up two parking places for their vehicle deserve inclusion. The ones who park diagonally across two spaces when they should park perpendicular to the curb deserve special enemy status as being selfish oafs.

16. Whoever came up with the notion of boy bands.

17. Hollywood types that are into instructing us on how to vote. The idea of taking instruction from any of them would gag a carp!

18. The inventor of the leaf blower.

19. The users of faux words like 'womyn' and 'herstory.'

20. Pop psychologists

I'd like to give them all wedgies!

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