America's Funny and Unfunny Cities

What is America's funniest city and how are America's funniest and unfunniest cities determined? This, dear readers, is a matter of speculation and debate. However, professor Peter McGraw and his Humor Research Lab manfully stepped into the breech, and came up with metrics including:

1. Over 900 interviews with citizens of larger cities

2. The number of comedy clubs per square mile

3. Traveling comedians' ratings of each cities' audiences in comedy clubs

4. Density of famous funny tweeters locally

5. Number of comedy radio stations available locally

6. Frequency of visits to Cheezburger and other web sites.

7. Frequency of humor-related web searches coming from each city

Obviously, this study had a built-in bias towards larger cities. I can't see Knoxville, Lexington, Asheville, or Joplin making the list. There is also a tendency to overlook small towns' places for local comedy, like cafes, gas stations, or City Hall. Besides, the first category of data collection in effect excluded mid- and smaller-sized cities from consideration. 

According to the research, Chicago, Boston and Atlanta top the list of America’s funniest cities. The four largest cities on the West Coast are big on comedy and being funny. Texas, the Southwest, and Florida seem to be humor-challenged. And it's incredible that Las Vegas made the bottom ten!

What are possible developments resulting from this research? Many communities will simply go into denial, saying that they're very funny but their humor is too cerebral to be understood by clods. Others might take a bootstrap approach, requiring a mandatory humor class in school and offering tax incentives to possible comedy clubs. On the other side, some communities might consider being thought of as "funny" does not go with the corporate image they are trying to cultivate. I see Seattle as one possibility; but midwestern cities might wish to move from unrecognized to least funny. Cleveland, for example. Having to cope with Cleveland jokes for a generation will do that to some places.

Some places, otherwise unsung, might hope to turn its listed in the 10 funniest cities into a tourism and economic asset. Think of what a boon that would be for Shreveport. And suddenly football teams might become more thrilled at getting an invitation to the Liberty Bowl!

Selecting an Official State Mistress

The recent Republican row about which Presidential candidate has the more attractive wife could very well morph into this being a future consideration in the never ending story of political buffoonery suddenly becoming serious. Should FLOTUS have eye candy appeal? The guiding spirit of early feminism rolls over in its grave; but that's show biz for you. Politics is mostly show biz for a cheesy network.

And there's  signs that this will trickle down to the state level too. I don't know about trickle down economics (like most Americans); but I think there's a trickle down effect in crassness! More than one state governor has had a de facto State Mistress. Obviously, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer comes to mind; and some have mentioned former South Carolina, Oregon, and Illinois governors in this kind of context. And lately, it has been revealed that the Governor of Alabama has had an "inappropriate relationship with a staff member." Which leads me to wonder; how widespread is this Official State Mistress thing? And how should the electorate respond to it? 

Maybe the electorate in some states might regard this as a perk in office; and even fund this position; perhaps regarding it as a positive publicity generator. Therefore, the Official State Mistress should be given a stipend, a clothing allowance, and a nice pied a terre to entertain the Governor and others as an official hostess of the state! 

Obviously, if the official state image is affected by the quality of the Governor's Mistress, then possible office-holders should be vetted by a joint legislative subcommittee to advise and consent on possible candidates. After all, the state's image would suffer with an inappropriate choice! And if state funds are involved, then it is entirely appropriate to have legislative oversight! For the Official State Mistress of Alabama, for example, the committee should weigh such aspects as:

a) Is her Southern accent real, yet refined? (Not sounding hickey is important.)

b) Is she bikini-ready? (This should be evaluated every Spring.)

c) Is she for Alabama or Auburn? Preferring any other institution should be a disqualification; and no woman looks attractive in orange and white or red and silver.

d) What sort of barbecue sauce does she prefer?
e) Can she make hush puppies and fried green tomatoes?
f) Will she attend church services with her Executive Lover/Governor on Sunday and set a good example?

Obviously, subcommittee members would be more aware of the nuances of their weighty decision, and select an Official State Mistress who would be an asset in economic recruitment, addressing legislative committees, and being photogenic in the Governor's annual State of the State address and at Gulf Shores. Also, by having a joint legislative committee to vet possible candidates, this might prevent unfortunate choices as high end call girls, Argentine models, actresses, or television reporters. Blondes are preferred. There is no bra size requirement at the present time; but this may be revisited. 

Applicants may apply to the Secretary of State's Office.

Senator Heflin's Press Release

Senator Howell Heflin used to represent Alabama in Washington years ago, in addition to having been a Justice on the Alabama Supreme Court.

This press release was issued by then-Senator Howell Heflin's office on July 19, 1994. That morning, the Senator had been dining in the Capitol with some Alabama reporters, and suddenly felt a sniffle coming on. The reporters were astonished when the Senator reached into his pocket, pulled out a bit of fabric and began to wipe his nose with ... a pair of ladies underwear.

However, the Senator handled it well.

Here's  a press release he issued:


STATEMENT OF SEN. HOWELL HEFLIN

HANDKERCHIEF

JULY 19, 1994

I mistakenly picked up a pair of my wife's white panties and put them in my pocket while I was rushing out the door to go to work.

Rather than take a chance on being embarrassed again, I'm going to start buying colored handkerchiefs.


GOOD SAVE, SENATOR!

Using Required Reading to Advantage

One of the primary hazards of secondary education is the dreaded Required Reading assignment. (I capitalized to emphasize its importance in the category of dreads.) Why? Because books in that category are usually dreadful, at least to the typical adolescent.  I know this remark will possibly might cause someone an occasion to mount her plus-size equine; but I'm taking the point of view of the typical teen. (I was one not long ago.)

Consider these worthies: The Catcher in the Rye, Great Expectations, David Copperfield, Don Quijote, Billy Budd, and To Kill a Mockingbird. Only one of those is likely to be enjoyed, unless oversold like some teachers try to do. Anyway, the dreaded word aside, some teens decided to turn this to an advantage.

Most of them liked to read books that were not classified as YA! So Bernice, Heather, Cynthia, Marie, and Laura talked about how to get away with it and yet read what they wanted in the comfort of their bedrooms without parental control or intervention.

Bernice started off with a low-risk racy book: The Decameron. Well, it had some racy parts, kind of like The Canterbury Tales, but innocuous parts as well. As she plowed through it, Bernice took the precaution of preparing a few notes to go with what she might have been reading, leaving the good stuff off the page! She told her friends about this improvement, and they too incorporation a few dummy pages of notes to make their light reading look like they were doing serious homework. Since Bocaccio is not currently on the NY Times' Best Seller list, she got away with it!

Marie always wanted to read The Trouble With Honor (by Julia London). And the title of this torrid regency romance did pass for a serious, school assignment-worthy book particularly with the accompanied notes. Heather, who took French, improved her French by reading Bonjour Tristesse. Laura read Peyton Place, explaining the assignment as one involving tracing the history of American literature.

Poor Cynthia got caught by her Mama. She chose Fifty Shades of Gray to read for enjoyment, and that was going too far, even with the dummy pages of notes to make it seem legit! She failed to take into account that her mother also had the book in her bedside drawer and was familiar with the explicit content! 

Doo Wah Diddy Diddy Results for BOTB

As I mentioned earlier, "Doo Wah Diddy Diddy" was first released by the Exciters, but Manfred Mann made it into a hit. Manfred Mann managed with other songs, like "Blinded by the Light" and "The Mighty Quinn," so this was not a fluke but having talent and riding the Zeitgeist.

Well, my recent offering for Battle of the Bands (Groups) ended with a blowout: Manfred Mann was undoubtedly the winner. Here's the results:

Manfred Mann: 14
"Stripes": 2
The Dolly Dots: 0

Thanks all who participated or at least looked in. I liked this song so much! I'll try more Battle of the Band songs in the future. And in the future, look into other BOTB sites:

ANGELS BARK

BOOK LOVER

CURIOUS AS A CATHY

DCRELIEF - BATTLE OF THE BANDS 

FAR AWAY SERIES 
HOLLI'S HOOTS & HOLLERS
J.A.SCOTT
JINGLE JANGLE JUNGLE

MIKE'S RAMBLINGS
NOVEL BREWS
QUIET LAUGHTER 

STMcC PRESENTS BATTLE OF THE BANDS

THE DOG LADY'S DEN

THE SOUND OF ONE HAND TYPING 

TOSSING IT OUT

JANIE JUNEBUG RIGHTING AND EDITING

YOUR DAILY DOSE

Revising Terminology for Church Services

In a major effort to attract football fans to his church in Tennessee, a minister introduced new terminology to make more comfortable the people who had been more familiar with football games than with church services. This was divine in his desire to spread the good word.

Here are a few terms he introduced:

Quarterback sneak: When some person slips outside for a smoke during the sermon.

Halftime: The period between Sunday School and the service when some choose to leave.

Draw play: What some children do with the bulletin during the sermon.

Blitz: The run to the restaurants after the service.

Draft choice: The decision to sit near the air conditioning vent.

Blocking: Talking extensively to the pastor after the service and preventing others from leaving.

Illegal motion: Leaving before the final hymn.

Trap: When someone is called on to pray and he's asleep.

Backfield in motion: When congregation members go to the restroom during the service.

Staying in the pocket: What happens to money instead of being given in the offering.

Interference: Talking during the organ prelude.

Bench warmers: Those who don't pray, sing, or talk in church but only sit there.

Instant Replay: The preacher reuses last week's sermon notes.

Two-minute warning: The point when you realize the sermon is almost over and you gather your things to meet your children.

While his intent was to use them only during football season, he revised his plan when he came up with a dearth of basketball- or baseball-related terms.

And the church committee vetoed the idea of a swimsuit edition of the church bulletin, feeling that the sports metaphor should only go so far.

Spring Break

It's spring break time again! And you can expect the usual television news and other programs having the usual reports of crowds, drinking, and debauchery as college students avail themselves of the usual Spring migration to warmer parts of the country or the Caribbean. And there's guaranteed shots of lithe bodies, raucous parties, and mandatory censoriousness to put a fig leaf on the pandering to the possible viewers in order to squeeze more ratings for moribund news or feature programming.*

Yes, this is as American as apple pie, or hot pockets that can be warmed in five minutes!

The custom of spring break emerged during the 1950's; and was primarily centered around Fort Lauderdale where, with the book and movie Where the Boys Are (1958 version), it was depicted as a romantic place where husband-hunting Midwestern co-eds could snare an Ivy League mate! Well, the hoi polloi started going; and students from other institutions began to get into the act. Eventually, Fort Lauderdale passed restrictive laws regarding partying and drinking, and Fort Lauderdale declined as a spring festivities locale. **

This simply meant that other coastal areas got into the act: Panama City and South Padre Island became rowdy mainstays with time; and Caribbean beaches such as Cancun, Cozumel, and Jamaica became desirable places to go. Spring break was realized as a profitable occasion, and some communities actually published newspapers extolling the specifics of their place as a locale for a fun spring trip! Al.com recently posted scenes extolling Gulf Shores as a spring break site.

Spring break became so institutionalized that universities would not dare eliminate their mid-spring break in fear of protests. At least they have a grasp of reality sometimes.

Practically speaking, spring break is a godsend for many coastal communities: cheap motels are fully rented, restaurants and bars can jack up their prices, the visitors provide a cheap entertainment for locals, and all it takes is loosening up of certain rules, and hiring a few auxiliary police to look the other way strategically.

Vendors can sell sun block and tanning lotions, skimpy bathing suits, and souvenirs of spring break like work shirts with the stenciled label: "Property of Panama City Beach Jail."

Yes, I'm all for spring break, although I have opted for a less frantic place like Rosemary Beach. Orange Beach is pretty nice too.

Remember: Sex on the beach is a name for an oversweet mixed drink, not an option for an activity.

*This is sometimes referred to as hypocrisy.
**It's now mostly a cruise ship port.