Monday, March 28, 2016

Selecting an Official State Mistress

The recent Republican row about which Presidential candidate has the more attractive wife could very well morph into this being a future consideration in the never ending story of political buffoonery suddenly becoming serious. Should FLOTUS have eye candy appeal? The guiding spirit of early feminism rolls over in its grave; but that's show biz for you. Politics is mostly show biz for a cheesy network.

And there's  signs that this will trickle down to the state level too. I don't know about trickle down economics (like most Americans); but I think there's a trickle down effect in crassness! More than one state governor has had a de facto State Mistress. Obviously, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer comes to mind; and some have mentioned former South Carolina, Oregon, and Illinois governors in this kind of context. And lately, it has been revealed that the Governor of Alabama has had an "inappropriate relationship with a staff member." Which leads me to wonder; how widespread is this Official State Mistress thing? And how should the electorate respond to it? 

Maybe the electorate in some states might regard this as a perk in office; and even fund this position; perhaps regarding it as a positive publicity generator. Therefore, the Official State Mistress should be given a stipend, a clothing allowance, and a nice pied a terre to entertain the Governor and others as an official hostess of the state! 

Obviously, if the official state image is affected by the quality of the Governor's Mistress, then possible office-holders should be vetted by a joint legislative subcommittee to advise and consent on possible candidates. After all, the state's image would suffer with an inappropriate choice! And if state funds are involved, then it is entirely appropriate to have legislative oversight! For the Official State Mistress of Alabama, for example, the committee should weigh such aspects as:

a) Is her Southern accent real, yet refined? (Not sounding hickey is important.)
b) Is she bikini-ready? (This should be evaluated every Spring.)
c) Is she for Alabama or Auburn? Preferring any other institution should be a disqualification; and no woman looks attractive in orange and white or red and silver.
d) What sort of barbecue sauce does she prefer?
e) Can she make hush puppies and fried green tomatoes?
f) Will she attend church services with her Executive Lover/Governor on Sunday and set a good example?

Obviously, subcommittee members would be more aware of the nuances of their weighty decision, and select an Official State Mistress who would be an asset in economic recruitment, addressing legislative committees, and being photogenic in the Governor's annual State of the State address and at Gulf Shores. Also, by having a joint legislative committee to vet possible candidates, this might prevent unfortunate choices as high end call girls, Argentine models, actresses, or television reporters. Blondes are preferred. There is no bra size requirement at the present time; but this may be revisited. 

Applicants may apply to the Secretary of State's Office.


Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I hope you're kidding.

Cloudia said...

You've got this organized!

John Hill said...

You want her to look good AND cook?!
...and perform the obligatory mistress functions?
I think that you may be setting standards too high, Angel!

And as a paid position, bikini ready should be an everyday condition. Perhaps a gym membership as a perk of the position would be appropriate.

allenwoodhaven said...

You ask some very interesting questions. They should send officials on fact finding junkets to investigate how other countries handle this. France comes to mind immediately, but many others would serve well.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

allenwoodhaven: You must have had some legislative experience! Nothing is better liked by legislators than to take a fact-finding junket on the taxpayers' expense!

John Hill: Where gubernatorial comfort is the order, nothing should be left to cost-cutting. Giving her a gym membership is a reasonable maintenance expense.

Cloudia: I try to organize things.

Bilbo said...

Once again, Angel, you've written a brilliant bit of satire I wish I'd written myself. Uh ... you *were* being satirical, right ... ?

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Bilbo, I think I was satirical. But states differ. Southern Alabama has a different outlook from Northern Alabama.

Mike said...

"...inappropriate choice."

You mean like Arnold Schwarzenegger did?

Brandi said...

Our guv's friend looks pretty good considering he looks like Skeletor.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think the mistress's official title should be 'the first hoochie'. I wish Hillary would dump Bill and acquire a lesbian first lady. Don't you think that's what she really wants?