Jokes About Sex

1.  An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.  Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

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2.  A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. 

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" 

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife .  and I were shopping together.  She was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, we both were so overcome with lust and could not resist temptation."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. 

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

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3.  Three men were in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said, "I died in a car accident." The second man said, "I died by drowning." The third man said, "I died of seenus." The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?" The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"

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4.  Mr. Wilson wanted to have sex with a woman in his office. But she was married to someone else... One day, Mr. Wilson got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." 

But the woman said, "NO." 

Mr. Wilson said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." 

So she agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by, and the boyfriend waited for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called her and asked what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

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5.  The parents of an inquisitive eight year old wanted to have an afternoon for some shared intimacies, but their daughter Sara was always present and very impressionable, so they didn't want her to know what they were up to.  Finally, they thought of a solution: they would pay her to spend an hour on the porch.

So the mother asked Sara, "Would you like to play the game of news reporter?"  Sara seemed interested.  "Here's what you do:  Just sit on a chair on the porch with Bun-Bun overlooking the neighborhood, and write down everything that went on.  And I'll give you $5 afterward.

Sara liked that idea, and took her place on the porch.  And the parents took theirs in their bedroom.  All seemed to go well, and Sara's parents gave her the $5 bill and asked her what was going on.

Sara said, "Mrs. Bourgeois backed her car into a garbage can.  Two dogs had a serious dogfight.  A police car went down the street with the siren on.  Billy came by to see Heather again.  And the Thomases had sex this afternoon.

Sara's parents were was shocked, and curious.  "How do you know THAT?"

Sara answered, "Oh, they made their daughter Rose sit out on her porch too."