Monday, March 21, 2016

Revising Terminology for Church Services

In a major effort to attract football fans to his church in Tennessee, a minister introduced new terminology to make more comfortable the people who had been more familiar with football games than with church services. This was divine in his desire to spread the good word.

Here are a few terms he introduced:

Quarterback sneak: When some person slips outside for a smoke during the sermon.

Halftime: The period between Sunday School and the service when some choose to leave.

Draw play: What some children do with the bulletin during the sermon.

Blitz: The run to the restaurants after the service.

Draft choice: The decision to sit near the air conditioning vent.

Blocking: Talking extensively to the pastor after the service and preventing others from leaving.

Illegal motion: Leaving before the final hymn.

Trap: When someone is called on to pray and he's asleep.

Backfield in motion: When congregation members go to the restroom during the service.

Staying in the pocket: What happens to money instead of being given in the offering.

Interference: Talking during the organ prelude.

Bench warmers: Those who don't pray, sing, or talk in church but only sit there.

Instant Replay: The preacher reuses last week's sermon notes.

Two-minute warning: The point when you realize the sermon is almost over and you gather your things to meet your children.

While his intent was to use them only during football season, he revised his plan when he came up with a dearth of basketball- or baseball-related terms.

And the church committee vetoed the idea of a swimsuit edition of the church bulletin, feeling that the sports metaphor should only go so far.


John Hill said...

A church swimsuit edition?
That could be interesting...

allenwoodhaven said...

Very creative! You come up with such inventive ideas. I'm sure his flock increased many fold.

Cloudia said...

Swim suit issue, LOL!

Maybe those just sitting are the most devout of all, ala Quakers?

Mike said...

I feel a blitz coming on right now.

Linda Kay said...

What an amusing correlation this morning, Angel. That dash out to lunch after service is so funny. There is a restaurant where the parishioners from different churches meet up, and whichever church gets out the earliest are the first ones to get the best seats. Fun post.

Chuck Bear said...

So true regarding church attendees!

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

Great laughs!

Blogoratti said...

That was a delightful and nice read, thanks for sharing.

TexWisGirl said...

fun. my faves - illegal motion and bench warmers. :)

Anemone said...

Can I be considered for the church swimsuit edition?

Bilbo said...

I thought the quarterback sneak referred to those who take change out of the collection plate rather than putting it in.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Bilbo: Some do; but it's considered bad form to ask for change when the collection basket is passed.